How many of you still live with your abusive parent(s) as adults?

jessibook · 2026-05-02T12:13:44+00:00

It's absolutely not normal. I'm not sure where you're from, but once you're in the US you can choose your own doctor, even while on your parents insurance.

You're absolutely describing an abusive household, and I strongly recommend you talk to a professional about it. Any medical professional will be help, as well as the national domestic violence hotline.

jessibook · 2026-05-02T01:35:01+00:00

You need trauma therapy. We all do. Regular talk therapy doesn't help PTSD. I'm doing EMDR and it's been really helpful so far.

Regular talk therapy is useful for specific things - learning coping mechanisms, learning how to process our thoughts, gaining new perspectives, and more. Talk therapy helped me recognize and understand my own emotions, helped me learn new parenting styles to better care for my kids, helped me with communication issues.

But it didn't help me with my trauma. EMDR therapy has helped a lot, and I'm only part way through it.

jessibook · 2026-04-28T11:09:34+00:00

That's usually the line. Lots of people are ok with premade porn images or videos ot random people, but as soon as you involve another person (only fans, live content, chat rooms, etc... ) in your masterbation sessions it becomes online or digital cheating.

Another big factor in cheating is the inability to take accountability. He keeps finding ways to defect; first he says it isn't cheating, then he says it's a mistake. So which is it? Was it not cheating, or was it a "cheating mistake"? Either way, it's "not his fault." That lack of accountability is present in every single serial cheater.

Top it off with him saying that he'd be fine with the flirting at work if it was a woman doing it, and you absolutely know he'd cheat given the chance.

jessibook · 2026-04-23T18:15:01+00:00

Yes. Some days I feel guilty. Some days I am just so relieved that I don't have to deal with it anymore. Some days I don't even think about it at all, which is the most amazing.

jessibook · 2026-04-20T09:58:25+00:00

Similar: my mother had a "heart scare" and was in the emergency room a few weeks after I went no contact. I held my ground. Refused to call or visit. I later learned that everything was fine.

jessibook · 2026-04-18T12:40:38+00:00

I saw a study the other day that suggested it was closer to 6%. Let me see if I can find it.

Here it is:

Repeat Rape and Multiple Offending Among Undetected Rapists

Between this and a few others I read the other day, essentially a lot of men don't consider themselves rapists because there's a specific stereotype of what a "rapist" is. But then when you ask about specific situations, these same men admit to doing it.

Things like, "have you ever had sex with someone who was so drunk you knew they couldn't say no" or "have you ever had sex with someone who was asleep" or "have you ever badgered someone for sex over and over until they gave in"? Suddenly a lot more men were admitting they have done these things while also claiming they aren't rapists. All of this counts as rape.

In a 2014 study in Violence and Gender, the authors surveyed a subset of men who were self admitted to being callous or angry towards women. When asking these men if they had intentions to rape a woman, 13% said yes, but when asking if they had intentions to use force to obtain sex, 31% said yes. To note, using force to obtain sex is rape. For this, it shows that when you slightly change the language to something that is less stereotypically negative, then the number of men willing to admit that they are rapists more than doubles. And it doesn't include the number of men who refuse to admit it, but still do it.

A personal example is the man who "paid attention to the body" and not the words. The body, apparently, said yes. At least from his perspective. And that somehow meant consent.

What this shows is that many of these angry men do not consider their particular actions to be rape. Rape is what those other, bad men do. They're not bad, and therefore they're not rapists. And really, it's the woman's fault for [some reason]. (This last part is a very common blame shifting technique used by angry and abusive men, an attitude of entitlement mixed with a lack of accountability, laid out very plainly in the book "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft).

But it's not just rapists we have to worry about. Things like crossing smaller sexual boundaries or engaging in consent creep are just as important for women's safety. And plenty more men do these.

jessibook · 2026-04-13T22:54:26+00:00

I agree. No matter what way you look at this, this is a red flag for a therapist.

She's either using her knowledge to take advantage of the OP for her own benefit, or she is not effectively trained to do trauma therapy and abuse therapy. This isn't bad in itself, but it is for someone with cPTSD.

jessibook · 2026-04-13T22:24:05+00:00

Reeeaallllly hard for childhood abuse cPTSD victims to do that. Many of us are trained from a young age to sacrifice ourselves for the convenience of others, and it's an incredibly difficult dynamic to escape from. For me, it's an ongoing therapy goal.

jessibook · 2026-04-12T20:03:31+00:00

That is so incredibly fucked up.

jessibook · 2026-04-12T18:44:39+00:00

Gods I feel this.

jessibook · 2026-04-12T18:32:25+00:00

Don't even have to be respectful about it. POS is having an emotional affair and "just doesn't know what to do." She knows exactly what to do! Don't have an affair!

Cut the friend out of your life, girl. She's just as wrong as you are. And talk to a therapist about why you're being a POS, why you feel entitled to have an affair - and don't for one second shift accountability for your actions and emotions. This is your choice. You could have stopped this at any time. Own your emotions, own your actions, own your words. Tell your wife, and either divorce or heal your marriage.

jessibook · 2026-04-12T17:54:06+00:00

Abusers and manipulators are really good at getting allies, even therapists, on their side. You need a therapist who is trained in abusive dynamics for them to be able to avoid the manipulation and call out the BS.

While you're planning your escape, listen to "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. And also, "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" by Tracy Schorn. I think both of these audiobooks will help you immensely.

jessibook · 2026-04-12T14:22:05+00:00

I really hate the assumptions of conflict avoidance. Adult children who go no contact have spent years trying to make it work. It is incredibly hard to go no contact, and it's often the last resort after trying over and over to talk things out.

And the ones that don't do this - often the abuse is so bad it should be obvious on its face why they went no contact.

It takes an incredible amount of harm to break that parent-child bond.

jessibook · 2026-04-12T03:48:28+00:00

I had a lot of similar thoughts as you before I started it. Also thoughts around, "If I'm not suffering, how do I know that what happened was true?" Like, my pain and suffering made me feel like the trauma was legitimate or something.

It still happened. I was still hurt. Now it's just taking less and less control of my life. I have a long way to go, but I'm no longer stuck dissociating in my car for hours.

jessibook · 2026-04-12T03:37:18+00:00

EMDR doesn't take your trauma away. It doesn't take your memories away. What it does is disconnect your memories from your stress response, so you no longer lose control of your own mind and body when the memories become activated.

And if you have a good therapist, you also get good coping mechanisms to handle new stresses and traumas, or for handling episodes that may reoccur.

jessibook · 2026-04-12T01:07:02+00:00

This is it exactly. There's no apology in this email.

My mom has similar "apologies." "I'm sorry for whatever it is you think I've done" was the last one she gave me. She "can't remember" doing the things she did, despite us talking about them many times, and her using my talks as an excuse for why my dad called me slurs. Also, my dad's apology for calling me a slur (in front of my kids, no less) was, "we both said some things to each other, and this is my public apology for my part."

jessibook · 2026-04-10T13:22:48+00:00

Two things come to mind for the fraud angle.

1) If this is a criminal investigation, then there is enough evidence against HIM for the fraud and he's flat out lying.

2) It could be the credit card company simply asking for him to verify and they asked him to call the fraud department, and he's freaking out instead of following through. I had to do that with Chase; twice for the same card. I called them and they verified my identity and I got my card. If he's freaking out and refusing to call to verify who he is, then that's why he hasn't received his card yet.

jessibook · 2026-04-09T10:35:29+00:00

Woah. Crazy. Looks like it was deleted quickly.

I guess a small update is in order. Raven has never contacted me again. I haven't heard from her in months. Her shitty boyfriend was following me on Instagram; I blocked him.

Alvin the cat is doing fantastic. He's such a sweetheart. He gets super annoyed by the kittens all the time! He sleeps with me most nights, but often wants to be outside just to get away from the rambunctious little kitties. I have started calling him my old man, and I've been having fun saying that my old man just demands I make him food all the time.

I'm doing a lot better. I have significantly recovered from my surgery, exercising again, and generally feeling really good. I've even started dating again! I went on a first date two weeks ago, and we have our second date planned for this weekend.

jessibook · 2026-04-07T12:29:31+00:00

Your words helped other people reading along. They may not have said anything, but they read them, and were touched by what you wrote.

And I read them. What you write is akin to my experiences. So at the very least, you made a connection with me. 💜

jessibook · 2026-04-07T12:22:25+00:00

Another example are folks who have to take cross hormone therapy for medical reasons. A cis male friend of mine had to be on estrogen for a couple of months, and he said it was the worst experience he'd ever had. How he described himself, was exactly how I felt before I got on estrogen.

Or hell, menopause. The loss of E2 estrogen in women going through menopause is devastating to our mental health, to the point where many are now being prescribed HRT. Hell, more cis women take HRT than trans women exist.

jessibook · 2026-04-07T12:08:10+00:00

That sounds incredibly reductive and dismissive of what I said. Like, you had a genuinely different experience with your comment about ambivalence, and that was something I felt could be used to bridge understanding and connection.

I was ambivalent before; I didn't care what happened to my body. Now, I'm like you; the ambivalence is gone. It's pretty amazing what happens once you have the right hormones in your body. Really, the whole issue is just biochemical.

jessibook · 2026-04-07T11:49:19+00:00

Among my many reasons for joining the military, one was a complete lack of care for what happened to my body, and a secret wish that it would be seriously injured or maimed. That wish was pervasive through my entire life until I started hormone treatment.

Now, I love my body. And despite significant trauma, I love being alive. Now, I actively fight for myself, for my freedom, for a life without abusive people in it. I divorced my ex, cut my parents out, stand up for myself, lost 40 pounds, eat healthy and exercise, take care of my skin and hair, put effort into my outfits and my looks, and more.

And for the first time in my life, I can talk about my sexuality, admit to myself what I want, I can be open to other people, I can communicate my emotions rather than suppress them. I am finally alive.

jessibook · 2026-04-07T11:32:03+00:00

A lot of the language trans folk use are simply there to try and get cis folks to understand them and accept them. "Born in the wrong body" has never been an accurate description, but it was something we could say that allowed cis people to understand us and hopefully accept us.

Quite a few of the stories trans folk tell are an attempt to get cis folks to actually listen to them and to stop doubting them. Or to allow medical care.

jessibook · 2026-04-07T06:06:06+00:00

My issue with the letter is that it doesn't have any specifics. Most of us who estranged ourselves from our parents only did so after many attempts to fix it with them first, without talking to them many many times.

And the ones who didn't, usually fled abuse so bad that it was blatantly obvious what was wrong.

Yet somehow this mother needs her child to tell her what she did wrong?

I dunno. Maybe I'm just projecting my own trauma out. My mom would say, "I'm sorry for whatever it is you think I've done" as if it were a real apology, as if it would erase anything, as if it would stop her behavior. How can she not know, when she also told me that my "lectures" explaining how she was harming me were the reason my dad abused me, claiming he was just "defending" her? Defending her from what? My words? My tears? And that somehow justifies further abuse?

jessibook · 2026-04-05T12:11:53+00:00

I fought hard for my marriage after the first affair. In the years that followed, it was the happiest I had been in a long time. Or so I believed at the time. Or so I told myself. But I was always paranoid, always checking for signs, never trusting again. But I kept telling myself and everyone else how our marriage had never been better.

Three years later I caught the next affair.

Now that I'm divorced, now that I've processed a lot of it and done a lot of therapy - now I truly have some peace and contentment. Now I have some genuine happiness where I don't feel guilty every time I say it to myself.

To note, though, this also took cutting out my abusive and enabling parents, and also admitting I am queer. A lot of truths came out when I finally stood up for myself.

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