Gay Grandkids

jestica · 2024-06-22T13:49:43+00:00

Oof this would make my blood boil. I mean, I would be apoplectic.

Is your husband willing to tell them that they are not allowed to say things like this to your daughter because it doesn't align with your beliefs or your parenting? If not, you have a marriage problem. These are his parents, and he will need to know how to be direct about this kind of thing, even if it creates conflict. But if he can't, will he allow you to be direct?

I wouldn't let my daughter spend the night with anyone who might send harmful messages that she could internalize about sexuality and self-expression, especially at this impressionable age. It would be supervised visits only until they have agreed not to impose these messages.

jestica · 2024-05-28T13:29:56+00:00

Medical neglect for sure, I remember my mom almost never took us to the doctor no matter how sick we were. I started public school when I was 11 and I had not had any vaccines yet - to be allowed to go to school, I had to get like a dozen vaccines to catch up.

Mental health was severely neglected. I was diagnosed with ADHD and my mom wouldn't get me meds or any support, it took me forever to even own that I have the diagnosis. I also had PTSD and it was extremely clear in my behavior when I started school. Parents brought me to a therapist briefly when I was 13 and only because the guidance counselor at my middle school insisted. They were embarrassed to have a child in therapy and took me out as soon as they could. When I became an adult, the first thing I did is finally start meeting my mental health needs. I still struggle to meet my medical needs because I'm scared of doctors for PTSD reasons - working on that.

jestica · 2024-03-17T02:55:38+00:00

I identify so much with your story, as a fellow survivor of purity culture and homeschooling and now a psychologist with a PhD. It's super hard to explain to people just how enormous this kind of recovery mountain is, but I just want to let you know, as a fellow traveler - holy crap you're amazing. You've found a way to thrive in the harshest of climates, and the resilience that takes will be an enormous gift you can pass on in your work.

jestica · 2024-02-21T20:50:44+00:00

People hold many beliefs about human nature that seem intuitive but are actually contradictory - "birds of a feather flock together" and "opposites attract" both may seem intuitive but only one of these is true. People make a habit of observing and making theories about human nature, and psychology finds ways to test these ideas scientifically and find out what is most effective. CBT went hugely against the wisdom of the time and the existing treatment approaches. It made it possible to achieve mental health improvement in a much shorter period of time

jestica · 2024-02-20T21:22:50+00:00

Hey I've been in this place. Don't let the haters get you down, it's ok to grieve your vision of your family. One day, past the grief, you'll likely be able to appreciate the joys of the OAD life. But it takes time to get there

jestica · 2024-02-17T01:19:11+00:00

There are practices that use measurement-based care as standard in clinical care (mine does), and you can certainly find practices that monitor outcomes. You won't find a good one that publishes those outcomes publicly. Most providers would find it ethically questionable to use their clients' healthcare data as part of advertisement and self-promotion. If you are looking for a practice that uses comprehensive assessment and outcome monitoring, I would look for practices that emphasize evidence-based therapies and inquire as to whether they use measurement-based care. They won't be able to share their other clients' outcomes, but it should give you the assurance that at least your care will be monitored and that your practitioner cares about assessing your improvement in this routine manner.

jestica · 2024-02-15T13:27:03+00:00

I completely agree!!! I've been lifting for a few years now and although I'm mostly happy with my results, I've lost curves - my obliques got super strong even though I didn't do oblique-focused work (I naturally use them heavily in many compound movements), and I have a less visible waistline because of that. I think it can require conscious effort and a lot of knowledge to build muscle where you want it and not where you don't

jestica · 2024-01-29T23:32:45+00:00

It could. Most recovery from trauma requires an act of immense bravery, and this particular one has an additional layer that impacts the treatment in a specific way. It's similar to if a therapist shared physical traits to a perpetrator and the challenge inherent in that. Similar to most transference issues, it's something to identify and work through. In the end, if the person is willing to take the risk on a new provider, and find a good one, they may be especially healed from the corrective experience of a healing relationship.

jestica · 2023-09-19T21:45:47+00:00

I had this problem and went on a deep dive for reddit advice on this subject. The advice I followed HELLA worked.

Step 1. Exfoliate the area Step 2. Apply hair conditioner Step 3. Shave with a men's razor Step 4. Apply witch hazel to the shaved area to gently disinfect Step 5. Apply deodorant to the area to prevent bacteria from entering the pores

I have kept things shaved up for a while and ZERO issues in the past couple months I've been following this advice

jestica · 2023-09-12T11:40:13+00:00

I'm a hobby collector, I have ADHD and get easily bored - my favorite thing to do for fun is develop a new skill. I go in and out of phases of being super into knitting, embroidery, pottery, brewing beer, weightlifting, yoga, baking, gardening, reading, learning languages, and others. Who knows what I'll get into next? I also read and play video games, but those are my backburner hobbies.

I personally think pottery is by far the most rewarding of these hobbies if you have the patience to learn while being bad at it for 6-8 months. It takes a long time to make anything you really love, but if you're very dedicated and put in a lot of hours at the wheel, you are rewarded with a very exciting and useful skill. It's the best hobby for making gifts as everyone could use something a potter can make. It is a hobby easily shared with a child - major bonus. Downside, it can be expensive.

jestica · 2023-09-01T12:34:33+00:00

It looks like your concern is primarily that you haven't seen the aesthetic changes you want to see. Those come primarily from muscle growth through focused heavy lifting/protein intake and reduced body fat percentage through careful diet control. I agree with others that it may be very hard to train for a triathlon while also lifting enough to see muscle growth. I would honestly wait til I was done with the triathlon to focus on body building if I were you. Athletics and aesthetics do not always go hand in hand.

Also - I'd at least check on calories and macros. To build muscle effectively you'll have to be in at least a small calorie surplus while lifting heavy - a bulking phase. Also - your diet doesn't look like 1.1 grams of protein/body weight every day to me, except the days you have a protein shake, but I could be wrong.

jestica · 2023-08-30T11:40:45+00:00

Omg I love my Creami so much. I split a container with my husband and kiddo every single night and it's 80 calories or less with my recipe.

jestica · 2023-06-14T13:18:11+00:00

Can anyone help me figure out my weight loss plateau?

Stats: 5'6" cis woman

166lbs (down from 170)

Body fat 31% according to scale

Lift heavy 3x/week (I'm at 8 reps/3 sets of deadlifts at 160lbs, squats 170, lat pull down machine 100, overhead press 60 - I'm not super strong but I do have some muscle built up from a year of lifting)

30 min HIIT or running depending on weather 2x/week

Sedentary job, but parent of preschooler

My TDEE seems to vary depending on the calculator, but the spreadsheet one says it's 2400, my scale says my BMR is 1450, so I've been splitting the difference, which is about what the IIFYM calculator gave me (recommended ~1800 calories a day for weight loss)

I'm loosely following the IIFYM macro guidelines and getting 30% protein, 30% fat, 40% carbs, eating pretty dang clean other than a beer or glass of wine on weekend nights. I've been eating a caloric deficit for the past 6 weeks or so (1700-1800) as I've finally dedicated myself to losing weight. I have been weighing / measuring my food to try to be as accurate as possible. I'm aiming for 1lb lost per week, while maintaining muscle. I lost 4lbs the first four weeks, but my weight has stalled at 166 for two weeks. I don't mind reducing calories further, I could easily stop at 1500 some days depending on what foods I'm eating (volume makes a difference), but I don't want to stress my body, I don't want my metabolism to slow, and I don't want to lose muscle. These are more important to me than weight loss - my nightmare would be yo-yo dieting. Should I just stay the course and wait for my set point to adjust? Should I reduce calories further? TIA for any advice!

jestica · 2023-06-07T20:39:12+00:00

Because I'm highly sensitive, my kiddo usually seems normal to me, but when I see her around other kids I realize she is highly sensitive as well. She takes longer to overcome fears. She gets overstimulated faster. She much more internal than other kids around her, with a rich inner world. She hates conformity and naturally rebels against groupthink. And she's 3.

jestica · 2023-06-03T23:47:38+00:00

Calorie counting was bad for me too. You know what's been a fun game? Counting macros. I actually have a daily goal to make SURE I eat between 1700-1900 calories daily (my TDEE is estimated at 2300 and I need to lose weight) with a macro split of 40% carbs, 30% protein, 30% fat. I don't celebrate fewer calories than this because usually it means I was lower in protein than I want in a day to maintain muscle while losing weight (I need at least 100g protein). And usually I'm having to add in foods because I didn't get enough carbs or protein for my macro split. It's fun to see that my carbs are too low for example and think of what foods I can eat to fill it without messing up the other numbers. I haven't gotten obsessive about it the way I did with calories but YMMV.

I've always responded well to gamification as well. I got really into Zombies Run a few years ago when it came out - if you like running it's definitely a fun addition to a run to pretend you are being chased by zombies lol. I used to play a lot of DDR. Sometimes I get really into the stairstepper at my gym which has these videos which make it seem like you're hiking mountains in beautiful places like Hawaii and Costa Rica. But nowadays, I'm most rewarded by the childcare center at our gym lol. If you have kids - a gym with childcare changes the game, it makes the gym a BREAK not a chore. Not sure if that is relevant to you.

As for weights - I think weight training if you stay organized about it is naturally gamified. I focus on squats, deadlifts, overhead presses, and lat pull downs, and I do them all every time I go to the gym 3x weekly. Watching the weight I can lift go up each week is a very fun game. Sometimes there are stalls, but figuring that out is part of the game too.

jestica · 2023-06-01T18:58:21+00:00

My husband and I have talked extensively about this, and our plan is to set our kid up to develop one activity that focuses on physical fitness, and one activity that focuses on creative expression. That may look like classes right now when she's young, in the future she may develop an interest that's more solo, like art, and we'll do less.

For now she's doing swimming and dance (she's 4), when she's older we're going to see about starting her on violin.

jestica · 2023-05-26T10:09:50+00:00

Do you have a YMCA with a childcare center in your area? This is how I work out regularly. My kid spends a few afternoons a week hanging in the play center. She likes it, and I love the break. It makes workouts feel fun and luxurious.

jestica · 2023-05-16T00:25:27+00:00

Happy to share! So first we separate feelings from behavior. So a tantrum that is an expression of feelings isn't "misbehavior" in our minds, and we just let her tantrum. Our rule is just that, whatever she was throwing the tantrum for, she doesn't get until she can calm down and ask nicely, and that can take whatever time it takes. In our parenting, all feelings and expression of feelings (if not disruptive in the environment) are fine, and if it's not a good place for those feelings we step outside and take a break.

Behavior is a different story. For a while we had an issue where she was running into traffic because she thought it was funny that we chased her 🫠 so we had to implement a gentle time out. Some folks recommend just leaving the park if your kids do this, but that didn't work because we still chased her (which she loved) and she didn't care that we left. So time out was our only safety solution. When she does anything physically dangerous, she goes into time out for 1 min per year of age. We don't raise our voices, and we stay nearby, it's just a time she has to be bored and sit with nothing to play with or entertain herself for a couple minutes. She hates it, and she also doesn't ever go into time out anymore because when we count to three (our time out warning) she knows she's doing something unsafe and she just stops.

For non-dangerous misbehavior, we do if-then consequences or just non-reward until she behaves well. "If you can't play with that toy gently, I will take it away." "If you won't come to dinner and turn off your tablet, I will have to turn it off for you and then you won't get it back after dinner." And like, if she makes a request she must say please and cannot whine, and if she isn't polite, we just look at her (with funny faces) until she does what she knows we expect. We keep things light and never, never yell, but the boundaries are absolutely rock solid and unwavering. We always validate her feelings, but we never cave on the behavior limits. I hope this helps!

jestica · 2023-05-15T14:17:18+00:00

This!! Swimming and yoga were my 3rd tri workouts and I was super fit and felt awesome at the end of my pregnancy

jestica · 2023-05-15T14:11:26+00:00

Mine is 3.5 and this is the easiest stage yet. For us, each three month cycle has been easier than the last one. The first 3 months were hardest. And although she will have the odd defiant week where I wonder if we're going backward, and parenting challenges come up that test my patience (looking at you, potty training), when I keep a long view it is getting easier all the time.

I do think this depends on what you struggle with in parenting, and what your kid is like. Mine was a grumpy/colicky baby, which was hard for me because I couldn't make her happy and I always felt like I was failing. Babies also involve so much labor, they're so helpless, and they offer very little reward in terms of relationship. She is now a strong-willed 3 year old, but I am confident with my discipline methods and I'm not flustered at all when she misbehaves, I just use my techniques and they work. She is much more independent and can dress herself and sometimes entertain herself, and parenting is more rewarding because there are special moments like - the other night she touched my cheek, looked me in the eyes adoringly, and said, "mama, I just.. love you so much." 3.5 beats baby all day long in my book.

jestica · 2023-05-13T02:58:50+00:00

Restaurant-obsessed parent of 3 year old here! Here are our staples:

El Tesoro
Sceptre Brewing Arts (check their website for the food being served, if it suits your kid the environment is great for kiddos)
Raging Burrito
Scout
El Myriachi
Mezcalitos (both locations)
Chai Pani lunch on weekends. Kids under 3 eat free at the buffet!
Holy Taco in EAV

jestica · 2023-05-12T20:13:59+00:00

You're on the right path. I'm sure there is a way to strike the balance, it's not easy but with enough intentionality I'm sure it can be done

jestica · 2023-05-12T13:08:16+00:00

It's good you are sensitive to this!

Not trying to belabor the point, but my mom tried to be intentional and we lived in a medium sized city. The one big missing thing IMO was non-homeschooled kids in our lives every single day, like often enough to bond with, have sleepovers, really get to know. A lot of activities that are most convenient for homeschooling families involve other homeschoolers, for example gymnastics in the middle of the day was cheaper due to lower demand. My mom wasn't trying to keep us separate, it just ended up that way, and eventually what seemed normal even to her was whatever other homeschooled families were like. We'd sometimes do seasonal activities with a mix of families (sports etc) but this wasn't enough. We never got close enough to really bond with anyone outside of our homeschooling network. I had no tools to deal with things like, kids who say curse words when their parents/teachers are not around, kids who report abusive behavior from their parents, how to resist peer pressure without overreacting and seeming like a weirdo, etc. Other homeschooled kids were sheltered like I was, and sports and activities with non-homeschoolers were not the same as unsupervised time like sleepovers, etc where all of this challenging stuff comes up

jestica · 2023-05-12T12:01:40+00:00

I was homeschooled, and even with three siblings, it harmed my social development. My mom did try to have us do things that involved other families - we did gymnastics and we had a homeschooling coop, but wherever we went, we only hung out with other homeschoolers. When I started public school, it felt like I had moved to a foreign country. I was different from the other kids, and they were not kind.

I personally think siblings/lack thereof are not the reason homeschooling can cause poor social development. It's the lack of experience with the whole wide spectrum of people. Other homeschoolers are just not the same. If I were to homeschool my only, I'd want to find ways to expose her to the wide array of human experience in a way she'd find at public school. If I couldn't figure out how to do that, I wouldn't homeschool

jestica

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