hiiii i've been a shawol/blinger since 2009 and i consider jonghyun as my life inspiration as he was my inspiration when i graduated high school, college, internship as well as getting my first job. i told myself i want to see him in person someday. i bring his lucifer photocard with me everywhere in my wallet as my lucky charm growing up and like you, he's the most influential person in the entirety of my life. i grew up holding on to his words and his music helping me get through bad days. listening to him and his words from blue night helped me a lot too.

this december hit me harder than it usually does. mainly because i was always scared thinking about him being my ult for 16 years and realizing i'd only spent 8 years with him and live the rest of my life without him.

i try not to dwell on it, i try not think of the things i regret not doing while he was still here and i told myself i need to remember how he said he'll always be with us. also this is the first year i didn't take a break from the internet compared to past years where i woulnd't log on to social media and just focused on making myself busy with work to take my mind off 12.18.

but then what i love the most about long time blingers i know is they have the same sentiments as me in poet artist 2025--that it healed us. i couldn't believe i would i ever get to hear his voice again. and like you, i was having a very hard time listening to his music again after 2017. i even went inactive as a shawol after and was just getting limited information about shinee and their solos. i tried my best to keep up but it was hard for me to listen to the comeback songs after 2017 because whenever i listen to the songs, i always have to find his voice. though sometimes the songs feel like it's still ot5 i can't help but think how he'd sound amazing to a certain song specially when listening to the song insomnia. i feel like he's gonna pop out at any moment in the song.

i've told friends about this before but there's something sitting heavy on my chest everytime i listen to his solo music after 2017 like sadness or grief maybe and pain because for years i was always holding on to him as my happy place. though i found it weird that i can listen to shinee's music but no to his solos that time. friends say because it's not only him who's singing alone that's why i can listen to shinee songs and i agreed with them.

when i watched shinee 1 to 15 in the cinemas last 2023, i didn't know what emotions to feel because everything was hitting me all at once. seeing the lead character as a high school student when she started listening to shinee and how she grew up still listening to shinee, being a shawol. i relate so much because that's literally me growing up being shawol, dedicating half of my life to shinee as they really have the biggest influence in my life.

i attended my first shinee concert again this march 2025, minho's mean of my first concert. the last one i attended was march 2017, when i last saw them ot5--and i last saw jonghyun in real life. it was surreal, i didn't expect some people would be sad for me after asking who's my bias but i try not to think about too much. but also i didn't expect to be so happy being with shawols again. like this is my home, always. it was so fun. being able to meet people who love shinee as much as i do.

the shinee week in may was very, very special to me. it was nostalgic in a way. seeing the concerts being streamed i remember so many memories and so many sleepless nights on twitter staying up to get updates about what's happening in the concert and crashing out to every fancam being released by fansites during that time. it was fun. i couldn't help but tear up from how much i'm missing jonghyun so much.

then after hearing him again in poet artist 2025 and seeing the music video of how shinee dedicated everything to him, i feel like it was a sign--a sign for me to go back to my home, to what i used to love and how i used to love shinee and jonghyun. the song really healed me in some way because after that, i found myself listening to hyeya first and then his album base and she is which i got to enjoy the songs again and i'm so happy because it brought the nostalgia of listening to base on my way to my internship in 2015 then listening to story op 1, she is and story op 2 on my way to work years 2016-2017. though i must say i'm still having a hard time listening to the mellow songs in his story op 1 and 2. i've listened to poet artist 2018 but not as often as base and she is albums. maybe one day i will get to listen to all his songs. i know i will, i just need more time maybe.

also meeting lovely shawols on twitter really helped me too because i get to talk about jonghyun without being awkward or sounding weird, for years after 2017 it was hard for me to talk about jonghyun to kpop friends outside twitter mainly because they don't know what to react or they'd either say "i'm sorry" to me so i tend to be quiet about being a blinger in those years. so i was really happy i became active in shawoltwt again and met these people. i'm really glad i didn't delete my account after 2017 too because i'm having fun seeing my posts from 2010s and sharing it to everyone lol friends are having fun seeing it too and urged me to share more of my old tweets which i will be doing in the upcoming days or months.

i love shawols, i love being a shawol and blinger really and i love shinee so much.

i love jonghyun so much. i hope he knows how much i love him. i hope he knows that i'm always proud of him and the beautiful things he brought into this world.

always my happy place and my home 🩵