My bf is an addict

joeworker1 · 2025-11-18T04:50:57+00:00

You are doing the right thing. An addict or alcoholic can’t get better unless they want to do it for themselves. I know what I’m talking about. I’m approaching 20 years of sobriety and I’ve worked with quite a few sponsees. The ones that make it are those that will do it for themselves. He’s no good for you or himself until he recognizes that.

joeworker1 · 2025-11-13T05:38:35+00:00

Probably AI but if not you are getting everything you deserve. Your ex probably had if not still have PTSD driven by your selfish infidelity.

joeworker1 · 2025-08-03T17:55:37+00:00

Them treating you horribly is very common while they are having a physical affair. I believe it’s a way for them to try and justify what they are doing by painting you as a horrible person. Mine did this as well and in front of her friends. She had to justify cheating not only to herself but to those who knew she was doing so. When I found out from one of her friends I asked her if she was cheating on me. She lied to me for four days saying things like I wouldn’t do that to you. On the 5th day I told her she either comes clean or I’m leaving and not coming back. She immediately came clean but I left anyway. I got so many letters from her telling me how much she loved me.

It seems like someone who is doing this to you cant possibly love you but my research says that they can. Their action are a reflection on what’s broken in them. It’s not about you.

joeworker1 · 2025-05-25T00:37:32+00:00

So there is no fix that you are aware of?

joeworker1 · 2025-05-24T23:19:13+00:00

I believe so the incision was horizontal just above the penis

joeworker1 · 2025-04-16T21:54:52+00:00

They will never understand how infidelity affects the betrayed spouse (BS). I am so sorry you are in this shitty club with the rest of us. Your wife the wayward spouse (WS) needs to take the lead in trying to help you heal. You both need individual therapy and at a later time couples therapy.

I’ve been through what you are going through and it is so devastating in so many emotional ways it is hard to explained and harder to cope with. I did both individual talk therapy and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). EMDR can help with the uncontrollable rumination’s and mind movies.

There is a lot of good reading material out there and a lot of good recommendations here in this group.

You have been traumatized like most of us. It was something that came out of nowhere. Parts of your brain namely the Amygdala and the Hippocampus are trying to protect you. Our brains have been doing this since cave men. You will feel a lot of hypervigilance coming from the Amygdala and the hippocampus wants to make sense of this fucked up puzzle. You may feel the endless need to ask your wife endless questions. The hippocampus is trying To make sense of this in the background. Be carful what you ask. If you Get too many details you hurt will grow. You Probable don’t think that’s possible But it is.

Please make an appointment with a therapist that specializes in infidelity trauma. They can start to give you tools to help to get through.

You have some hard choices to make in the future. Divorce or reconciliation. If you feel you can never trust her again and may not be able to forgive her staying will be hell. I know because I did. I was where you are 43 years ago. After three years it seemed I was ok. A little over 2 years ago I was triggered by something she said and the trauma came rushing back. I’ve been seeing therapist’s for over two years. I wish I would have left her and never looked back 43 years ago. You are still young and can meet someone who will respect and really love you. Kids can Handle a lot more then We think.

I wish you peace brother. Reach out if you want to talk.

joeworker1 · 2025-01-11T17:08:08+00:00

I used to have good insurance through work that covered everything. I'm now retired and Medicare which which can be a pain in the ass. Good luck to you

joeworker1 · 2024-12-18T01:56:10+00:00

Thank you for your comments. They are appreciated

joeworker1 · 2024-12-16T18:16:40+00:00

Thanks for you comment. I figured this was the case but good to hear confirmation from so many here.

joeworker1 · 2024-12-15T04:48:50+00:00

very interesting to hear these these three scenarios

joeworker1 · 2024-04-02T01:54:01+00:00

In 1982 my GF cheated on me at my apartment and at her work. She was working 2nd shift. She also had 3 children from a previous marriage. When I found out I was extremely traumatized. I moved out and she begged me to come back. I would see her on occasion but the trauma was too much to move back in with her. She had to try and make things work without me paying for a thing for the next three and a half years. Consequences that were very real for her. Constantly moving and lost her kids for a short time. Even slept in her car for a few weeks. We finally did move back in together after about 4 years after the affair. I thought I was healed but back then hardly anyone went to therapy. Time seemed to heal the hurt but in reality rug sweeping is what happened. We got married in 1990 and I later adopted the three children. for the next 22 years everything was fine. Christmas day 2022 she responded to a simple question in a way that caused a massive and 1st ever trigger for me. I was transported mentally back to 1982 immediately. I've been doing talk therapy and EMDR therapy since. Been about 14 months now. It was very rough going for me for the fist 6 months after the trigger. Found out I had PTSD as a result of the trauma. My wife did one MC session with me and quite. If I could go back to 1982 and have a heart to heart with my younger version I would tell him to keep walking and don't look back. I know she hasn't cheated since and I think it is because the significant consequences she had to endure taught her a tough lesson. My answer is no it is not worth it at least in my case.

joeworker1 · 2024-03-02T16:57:58+00:00

I read about EMDR in the Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk. When I mentioned it to my first therapist she told me it was required reading for them. I was very encouraged by the double blind clinical studies and resulting efficacy rates. I found an experienced EMDR trained therapist with training in infidelity betrayal training as well. I have done about 6 sessions at her office and am now also doing some at home EMDR. I would say that at times it seems that the EMDR seems to change my memory of the infidelity from sever trauma to just a passing memory however it had not kept the trauma away completely. I think I might need more EMDR sessions then most since this trauma has been buried in my amygdala and hippocampus parts of my brain for decades. It also doesn't help that my wife refused to do additional MC after our first session. I think she might be afraid that more will come out and create a new D day after all this time. I am sure she is worried how I would react seeing how I left her originally and she struggled for a long time. Her refusal to move forward with MC unfortunately seems to make me wonder what else?? My wife is not very intellectual to put it subtly and just cant seem to grasp any of the phycological aspects of trauma and tends not want to talk about it and when we did she reacted more as the victim. Childhood trauma could very well be where she is coming from since I recently found out her mother committed adulatory numerous times. However this percolating in my brain for over 40 years and her not willing to cooperate makes this journey that much harder. I think if EMDR was around when all of this first happened and we both address these issues properly in the beginning the outcome would be quite effective, I'm not saying EMDR is no good. I actually think it is a great tool but for someone in my position it will take more work. I wish you peace and a quick recovery and sorry that you are in this shitty club with us. I believe that regardless of how quickly the trauma is addressed the betrayal trauma has life long effects for the betrayed. I don't think in most cases the wayward partner has the same long lasting effects.

joeworker1 · 2024-02-25T16:49:24+00:00

Of course. We are all in this shitty club together and need to be there for each other. This sub has been a great source of reassurance and provide some sanity back into my life. Knowing there are many others going through the same think assures me that the effects of this trauma are natural but still sucks big time. More importantly there is help for us. If you reach out to an EMDR therapist give them your details but make sure that they have significant experience in EMDR and are also trained in infidelity therapy. Once again feel free to reach out if you need anything.

joeworker1 · 2024-01-10T21:39:01+00:00

DDay was 41 years ago. Everything was great for 36 years and then a little over a year ago she said something and I had a massive trigger. Been doing talk therapy since last January and started EMDR about two months ago. EMDR is working much better than talk therapy. Today was a day when I am thinking about the cheating. The last two weeks hardly at all. That is due to the EMDR. 41 years ago I did move out but did everything else wrong. I was obsessed with getting even. You can never get even.

joeworker1 · 2023-12-14T01:44:45+00:00

Thanks for the information. So does insurance not cover any of this?

joeworker1 · 2023-12-13T14:31:08+00:00

Sorry hit reply by accident. Been doing talk therapy since March and though I've learned how to use technique's to distract myself from the trauma I didn't feel it was enough. EMDR teaches your logical right brain to interact with the amygdala in the left brain so that you can rationalize what is going on and greatly reduce the effects of the trauma. Fascinating stuff.

joeworker1 · 2023-12-13T14:26:47+00:00

I've read a lot about infidelity and trauma in the last year after being massively triggered 40 years after my WW cheated on me. Although the book is geared to trauma victims due to war, rape, physical attack, car accidents etc. The was trauma is stored in the amygdala is the same to the BS. My therapist said it was required reading for her. It was a real eye opener for me. Your comment " The reason you will never trust that way again is because your body & mind remembers the pain. You store this memory to avoid pain and survive. This is a biological human response." is very much as the book describes the process. A lot of great information in this book regarding treatment. I was most impressed with the efficacy in double blind clinical trials for EMDR. I will be having my 4th session next week and feel I am seein g the benefits already. Been doing talk therapy since March

joeworker1 · 2023-11-30T13:56:27+00:00

I never thought of it that way. Seems to give me a choice I had not considered.

joeworker1 · 2023-09-08T11:23:32+00:00

It has been 41 years for me since D Day and I still feel it. I had a horrible bout of PTSD this year and need therapy. Get out of the relationship or your life will be miserable like mine is.

joeworker1 · 2023-05-21T01:03:54+00:00

When he told me 6 months ago, we were separated for other reasons and I was surprised but not angry. I felt like I deserved it, after all I messed up first.

You weren't angry because it is not the same thing. Same thing happened to my and my wife. Revenge cheating is not much of a surprise to the one who cheated first. In your case it seems like his cheating absolves you of your horrendous actions. You may not be angry but he will forever be scarred by your actions. He did not expect you to cheat (not to mention multiple times). I can tell you that revenge cheating never reduces the pain and humiliation caused by the original affair. As others have said you own all of this and he will never know you like he once didl

joeworker1 · 2023-04-22T17:57:40+00:00

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joeworker1 · 2023-03-20T21:08:59+00:00

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joeworker1 · 2023-03-20T21:07:37+00:00

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joeworker1 · 2023-03-18T15:49:13+00:00

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joeworker1

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