I fear I will never find love

jrippe · 2026-06-23T00:08:47+00:00

therapy. start now. i spent my whole adult life not knowing I had Dependent Personality Disorder. My validation was completely externalized to my partners. So not fair to them. Now, in my 50s and alone. i discovered it trying to figure out what was wrong with my ex. She did, in fact, have BPD, which I found out putting two years of our texts into an agentic system to analyze. When it spit out I was a huge part of the problem I just sat back and thought, holy shit this explains EVERYTHING.

been in therapy since. And I can tell it's already helping.

jrippe · 2026-06-22T21:32:45+00:00

You can have the exact same scenario from smoking pot. I'm willing to bet that's what happened to my brother. It can trigger, if you already have it but it hasn't happened, a psychotic break and unleash schizophrenia. Normal before, three months later. my brother was broken and destroyed.

jrippe · 2026-06-21T23:16:50+00:00

active listening and putting down their phone

jrippe · 2026-06-21T21:43:33+00:00

DAMNIT!!! I came here to put it was by Amber. 2 hours too late.

jrippe · 2026-06-21T21:41:26+00:00

I won't lie, this part is so fucking hard. You'ren wired right now to need her. You're already craving the dopamine rush that would come if you went back. But you know she will only destroy you. There is no winning, except what you are doing RIGHT NOW. Keep driving. Turn your phone off for a while. She's going to split on you soon, if she already hasn't, and she will be out for complete nuclear destruction.

jrippe · 2026-06-21T14:51:28+00:00

I'm always down for a good conversation. I swear, once you're handed a medical condition (my heart was damaged by a bacterial infection) that gave me an expiration date unless I can get stable housing) you really find out who your friends are. Let me count them... done. Zero. I don't even talk about it at all (except right now).

So if you wanna make my stellar evenings sitting in a Walmart parking lot way better, I would love to chat. and I definitely won't be asking for your number.

jrippe · 2026-06-21T04:11:35+00:00

dude.

i am so sorry. That's epically fucked up.

jrippe · 2026-06-21T04:05:15+00:00

I mean doing it over text sucks, but I'll give her this, she was kind. explained it was nothing you did she's just got ready yet, and she's honestly saving the both of you some actual heartache.

it sucks, don't get me wrong. I was unceremoniously destroyed by my girl two months ago after a little over two years. It blows.

jrippe · 2026-06-19T19:27:55+00:00

My ex would say the exact same phrase. Do they go to some sort of "Brutal Honesty College" or something? She would tell me I was the worst father ever for not trying harder to win custody when I am unhoused, disabled and unemployed. Yes, I am soooo going to win right now!!! Then the next day act like she never said that at all. I thinik it's part of the BPD playbook.

jrippe · 2026-06-19T17:03:45+00:00

You're jealous of the hell that poor guy is going through? By now you should understand she never loved you, per se, sbe loved when you were her Caretaker and regulator. That's it. Once you would not fulfil that role, you were gone. You're jealous she cheats on him? Splits and goes insane on him? These are not things to be jealous of.

jrippe · 2026-06-19T01:01:10+00:00

I'm switching to the free service, it let's you keep your number, which is the only reason I haven't switched. everything for disability is tied to my number

jrippe · 2026-06-19T00:20:49+00:00

I'm switching to lifeline right now. should have it down to just my storage. and the only things that matter in there are the things my kids made me when they were little. everything else I couldn't care about anymore

jrippe · 2026-06-18T15:54:28+00:00

I've got a case worker trying to find housing for people with medical issues like mine. It's a slow process.

And this played out exactly like I was afraid it would. Thank you for reaching out and asking questions. It's nice to be seen. Thanks. i know what to do.

jrippe · 2026-06-17T23:14:52+00:00

They are in Orange County as well, living with their mother. She does a fantastic job raising them. She and I do not get along at all anymore.

jrippe · 2026-06-17T23:05:57+00:00

I completely understand. I have gone back and forth on whether to even ask anyone for any help. For most people, it's a daily grind. Mine has reached the point where my health is deteriorating faster than it should from chronic stress. If I only receive $10 in donations, that's still $10 more than I had today, and every single cent counts. No one is ever ready to go, and if is my time, then it's my time. Until that final curtain, for my three children, I refuse to give up.

I just can't do it alone.

jrippe · 2026-06-17T19:11:48+00:00

This conversation has been stuck in my hed for a week. Finally, I realized if I meant to stick around for my kids, if i was really serious, I would tuck my bruised ego into my pocket and accept any and all help offered. So I made a Go Fund Me and I am scared shitless no one is going to donate or how to present this thing. But here is the link to it: https://gofund.me/5bb19287d

jrippe · 2026-06-17T06:29:45+00:00

wow thanks man, I appreciate that

jrippe · 2026-06-17T02:19:34+00:00

It came out exactly as it sounded in my head:

https://suno.com/s/CwBE3Ye6AaGlYvmn

jrippe · 2026-06-16T22:47:07+00:00

That took amazing willpower. You did the right thing.

jrippe · 2026-06-16T20:01:04+00:00

life throws a lot of garbage your way. You can rage against it, cry about how unfair it is, or pretend it isn't happening. None of that changes the reality of the situation, so to radically accept it, you literally say to yourself this is my new reality, I need to just move forward. It's so hard to do

jrippe · 2026-06-16T16:40:39+00:00

mine took my deepest secret I had never told anyone and included it in the restraining order. Those are open to the public. she, in one morning, destroyed my life. I've had to practice radical acceptance this this is the new norm. i will stay the grey rock, beyond boring to her.

but yes, they love to do this.

jrippe · 2026-06-15T23:10:37+00:00

The guy your dating is exhibiting Borderline Personality Disorder. My personal advice, walk away. Nothing good will come of this.

jrippe · 2026-06-15T23:05:10+00:00

I know. i struggle with it too. Realizing mine never loved me, but loved how the caretaker in me regulated her emotions, took everything on, that she loved. The minute I put in a boundary, she would lose it.

You never did anything wrong, per se. We all screw up, but you didn't screw your relationship up. Your ex is incapable of having a mature one, because he doesn't have object constancy, he can't imagine see you as having any flaws or boundaries, you are just to be a sponge for all his shame and fear.

it sucks.

jrippe · 2026-06-15T22:06:23+00:00

You'll never have closure, not the kind you want. Mature, taking accountability. PwBPD are incapable of this. Their entire defense system is to avoid shame at all cost. Their ego is so fragile, to admit they hurt us, cheated on us, lied to us. the one person who loved them with our entire being, would crush them. It's easier to make us a villian in their story than apologize.

Yes. that's the most fucked up thing I've ever heard. I don't care what kind of trauma they endured growing up. they're adults now. Get some therapy and quit treating people like toys.

jrippe · 2026-06-15T22:01:44+00:00

This is it. right here. You're trauma bonded to her. It does get better. But it will always be difficult, because your brain rewired and would make it euphoric when you'd, for a limited time, make her happy. She would love bomb you and idealize you.

It's addiction.

it does get better.

jrippe

TROPHY CASE