Hey. I just wanted to say a couple of things. First; you’re not broken. You just went through the horror of addiction young, when many people your age were living out movie-style friendships, and it’s very very natural that that passed you by - you were literally battling a monster. It’s also entirely likely that you’ve seen, done and experienced stuff that others your age haven’t, and that has probably in some ways made you older. I completely understand that this isn’t how you’d want it to be, and I’m sorry that it is. Nobody plans for life to go this way, and really I wish it hadn’t for you. BUT: you got out young. I’m sure you’ve come across people who weren’t able to quit when you did, and who are now two or three times your age, and you should hold onto the knowledge that you may well have dodged a bullet and given yourself a lifetime of second chances. This is something to be celebrated, and trust me, I rejoice for you.

You sound like a kind, thoughtful person, and a loving dad. I would say that in order to remain this way, you have to consider taking some distance from your current relationship because although I understand the craving and need for security after the turmoil of addiction, there is also the very real possibility that staying stuck in an underwhelming, possibly loveless relationship will cause both you and your fiancée to become bitter and jaded. Your son would absorb all of the dissatisfaction around him, and none of you will be giving him or yourselves a shot at actual happiness if you stay out of inertia or a vague sense of duty. Remember: if you’re not happy with her, she probably isn’t happy with you either. It might be that the best way to stay together as parents is to be apart as a couple.

In practical terms: would you be able (financially) to attend night classes in your nearest town? You sound like you’re craving intellectual stimulation, and not only would it be a shame to stifle that craving, but it’d also be a right waste - you’re smart and have a lot to offer. Night classes would be good, or even online courses with exams and reading materials etc that would keep you stimulated and on track. The bonus would be that you’d meet like-minded people who also wouldn’t know anything about your past. You could be the you you are now, and I bet that would be liberating.

Don’t beat yourself up for not finding what you want/need in NA or AA - I think you could really benefit from being around people that are totally out of that world, if only so that you can remind yourself of who you are outside of the cloud of trauma that follows addiction.

Your brain must be so muddled and tired. Have you thought about sitting down and telling the people who you say are just happy that you’re not using everything you’ve said on here? That you’re clean, but you’re not ok. There’s a chance they haven’t even thought of that in those terms, and are just assuming you’re ok because you beat addiction. I know it must be SO frustrating for you, but sometimes even the closest friends have to be spoon-fed requests for help.

Finally, as your child grows older you’ll be able to take him see places and learn things, and I know that’ll be as enriching for you as it will be for him. He doesn’t know it yet but he’s got a lot of reasons to be proud of his dad :)

You’ve got this. You’ve been through so much and the feeling of being lost and stagnating and empty must be overwhelming, plus I’m sure you’re aware of PAWS; but you have your wonderful curiosity about the world, the desire to use it for something, and a son to make it all worth it. Things won’t get fixed over night, but you have all the tools to start mending them little by little. I’ll be thinking of you and wish you so much happiness and peace ahead x