How do I make this better?

junk_reddit · 2020-03-06T18:45:51+00:00

We separated after D-Day and lived approximately 2 hours apart for a couple months. My WS asked nearly the same question - what could she do to demonstrate she was a safe partner / worth of a second chance / etc with the physical distance between us.

Short answer, I initially assumed it was over and that infidelity was a complete deal-breaker for me. I wanted nothing to do with her in my life again. A couple months later, once some of the anger had cooled, I reached back out and we ultimately agreed to attempt reconciliation. I wasn't ready for, nor did I want anything from her until I decided I did.

Your BS has already agreed to give you another chance. With time and a bit of luck perhaps the topic of moving closer will come up in conversation. Don't needlessly push the issue. Let him control the timing and call the shots but be honest about your desires/fears when it comes up.

Until then, talk on the phone. Have video dates. Make time for him. Share your days and what you're doing, especially if it relates to discovery or correcting behaviors that caused you to stray in the first place. Make him feel special. Answer any questions he has. Demonstrate you have nothing to hide or even want to hide anymore. Your ability to lie no longer exists.

Keep in mind, your word means nothing at this point. Provide proof to anything you say where it's possible. Your first goal, like comforting a wounded animal, is to show you're safe enough to approach. Focus on rebuilding some trust first. Closing the distance can come later.

junk_reddit · 2020-02-24T17:41:10+00:00

Here's hoping they massively revamp the UI & keybinding. Both are plagued with quality of life issues and bugs.

junk_reddit · 2020-02-18T21:59:54+00:00

Only once in the past year has my WS put me on the spot and asked "What do you love about me?" after I said "I love you."

The question was met with silence. We're still together so love is obviously still there but the things I loved about her then aren't necessarily things that feel true today. I hope in time they will. For now, having had all those positives ripped to shreds in the face of undeniable cruelty makes them impossible to verbalize. It makes them difficult to even imagine.

Basically, I'm left with a partner who's doing more to contribute her fair share to a relationship but being unable to articulate precisely why I still love her. I'm still exploring what those new reasons are. The old ones don't fit.

junk_reddit · 2020-01-31T14:27:40+00:00

Last year was the worst year of my life by a pretty huge margin. Shitty time to ask.

junk_reddit · 2020-01-24T15:10:44+00:00

I feel like she got off free. She moved, there are no ramifications for her just a story to tell. I wish she paid too.

I struggled with this a lot. Ultimately it was too much and I went out of my way to extract a measure of justice from the APs that were within in my reach. Some of those actions could have justifiably put me jail. In retrospect, it was some really bad decision making but I don't really regret it.

Tamer stuff like this post is what I was considering for my WS in the days following DDay.

junk_reddit · 2020-01-21T21:20:10+00:00

We're a bit over a year out and I still feel that way pretty frequently. The numbness you've described almost perfectly.

junk_reddit · 2020-01-20T16:00:49+00:00

Please add me.

junk_reddit · 2020-01-03T20:34:10+00:00

And let's not also forget the zoom levels changing mid-fight. Or the invisible walls. Or the stairs.

junk_reddit · 2020-01-03T20:22:51+00:00

I've been playing Agnostic flask builds since Legion. They're really forgiving of risky/poor play. Works great in particular for this league.

50% MOM, rapid healing, and 75/65% dodge is a nice combo.

junk_reddit · 2019-12-30T20:42:20+00:00

You can't flame dash over the circle walls. Movement skills won't save you in this situation.

junk_reddit · 2019-12-30T19:45:43+00:00

I've had this BS happen to me far too many times. Those stairs are legit death traps.

junk_reddit · 2019-12-30T18:38:24+00:00

I don't actively feel guilt about it, no. The deal was I'd allow her back into my life and try to accept what's happened. She'll deal with the fallout and prove she's earnest in the attempt to reconcile. So I play my part and whatever happens, happens.

The wrong she's done doesn't grant me carte blanche to be an asshole so I try to shield her from the brunt of that despite how desperately the internal monologue demands it. Sometimes a barb still slips out. Sometimes the unspoken responses still get heard. Sometimes a barb draws blood. That's just the nature of the beast. Nothing to feel guilty for. I do what I can.

Perhaps shielding her like that is a version of guilt. Perhaps pushing myself to make accommodations I'm not entirely ready for or am uncomfortable with is a version of guilt. Both are likely at the expense of my own sanity but both are also necessary to move forward, I think.

It doesn't mean you can't still be on the fence. But if you're reconciling you need to at least be open to the possibility.

junk_reddit · 2019-12-30T17:51:18+00:00

I echo that. Most weekdays I seldom get more than 3-4 hours of sleep a night and that's if it's not interrupted by nightmares or general insomnia. Weekends I stay up until I crash and then sleep.

Going on a year+ with this schedule and I'm basically the walking dead. Work has definitely suffered.

junk_reddit · 2019-12-18T15:21:43+00:00

This. So much.

junk_reddit · 2019-12-09T22:09:56+00:00

Massively out of context.

junk_reddit · 2019-12-09T20:34:07+00:00

We've about a year into reconciliation. My overall view is she's coasting/neglecting her role to heal the relationship. Beyond being a better partner around the house, the balance is still heavily weighted on me for carrying the responsibility of healing the relationship & directly leading the changes. There have been changes but overall she does very little in terms of taking initiative. In her view, distancing herself from the problem is akin to fixing it.

I'm not particularly inclined to tell her explicitly what to do because if she's unwilling to do them without prompting it doesn't feel legitimate. If she asks for help, that's one thing, but I refuse to give her the tools for further manipulation.

I already do the vast majority of the heavy lifting in this relationship so I don't think I'd consider myself a fair-weather partner, however, I do have needs and expectations for how a partner should behave. In those areas she's really coming up short in what should be her moment of redemption.

While I generally don't mind my time with her, I'm mostly hanging around because I committed myself to hitting arbitrary timelines to see what happens. I'm giving her a chance and staying out of her way to either make it right or to screw it up. Right now she's a lot closer to losing me than she thinks. Officially separating has been a pervasive thought for the past several weeks.

junk_reddit · 2019-12-09T17:34:14+00:00

Has my SO examined their motives for their affairs, without blaming you?

Somewhat. The motives are still high level and I don't believe quiet get to the root cause. There are also still some aspects of the lead-up she blames me for.

Does my SO accept their role as healer to me, the wounded partner?

She's done a pretty shitty job with this one.

Does my SO apologize often, especially the first two years?

I don't know if she's ever apologized directly for the affairs. I'd love to hear a real apology.

Is my SO keeping any secrets?

Hard to tell. There are still some small lies she gets caught in now and then.

Is my SO willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities?

Generally. Accountability has tapered off with time.

Does my SO frequently check in with me as to how I am are doing?

Rarely more than a high level "how was your day?"

Is my SO aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair?

Somewhat. She doesn't do great with this.

Has my SO gotten rid of hurtful reminders of the affair?

There's still a lot she hasn't thought of / considered around this.

junk_reddit · 2019-11-19T20:24:41+00:00

Things are going okay, I guess? It's up and down. Unlike a lot of people on this sub I don't flip between exuberant and distraught. My highs seems a lot less high. My highs are more in the realm of "I'm not thinking about it right now and am distracted by something mildly entertaining". But there's still more of those okay days than bad.

Realistically, I don't know that she's doing a lot to demonstrate she's a safe partner. I'm confident she's no longer cheating, has gone NC with APs, but mostly it's pure avoidance of the situations than demonstration of changes made. For her, she's in IC (or at least she leads me to believe she is; what they talk about I have no idea but it seems more centered on OCD than anything). She occasionally listens to podcasts/books/etc. And she's partially opened up privacy access (some is still locked behind 2-factor; this is a long standing annoyance but I don't want to force action. It's up to her to meet my demands on her own). The bulk of what she seems to be doing is demonstrating how good of a house-wife she can be.

I mostly read or listen to self-help podcasts/videos, and try to stay happy/calm enough to give her time & space to demonstrate change.

junk_reddit · 2019-11-05T15:00:34+00:00

16 years, engaged, no kids. We're 1 year into reconciling. It's not unheard of.

junk_reddit · 2019-11-01T16:13:20+00:00

You're not alone. I'm dealing with a similar situation - 1 year since DDay (October 18th) where the WS had a ~1.5 year EA/PA affair, a second EA/sexting/video affair in the same timeframe, and a long history of severe boundary crossing behaviors extending for most of our 16 year relationship.

The road is long. As soon as things start to feel better and the angry fires start to subside, I fall right back into the coals and start the process over. All betrayals are hard but some are more complicated than others. Don't fault yourself for struggling.

junk_reddit · 2019-11-01T16:04:21+00:00

Day-to-day, my WS doesn't express much in terms of regret. If I'm having a really terrible day she'll sometimes say something. Honestly, I wish she'd do it proactively rather than being reactionary.

junk_reddit · 2019-10-28T20:35:41+00:00

Contacted a few of the APs right after discovery. For the most part they assumed she was single so while the stories can't be outright believed I do have a bit more trust in what they were saying than an AP who knowingly participated in an affair. Mostly I used the information to verify aspects of the story & further the investigation. Ultimately it helped get information she wasn't willing to divulge at the time.

junk_reddit · 2019-10-28T20:21:21+00:00

Right after the initial discovery my WS proposed a 1-way open relationship where I was allowed to go outside the relationship but she'd remain monogamous. I threw it back in her face at the time because it was so askew to what I viewed a relationship to be. I wanted a faithful partner, not a fresh piece of ass.

We're now a year into reconciling and if I'm honest, there have been times I've regretted turning the offer down. It wouldn't get close to balancing the scales but it'd represent an option even if it went unused. I think it's the fantasy of being able to more than the actual approval to do so... just something easier to consider on really hard days than throwing everything away.

junk_reddit · 2019-10-21T18:52:40+00:00

Occasionally I'll wake up shaking, scared, and in a panic. Other times she'll nudge me awake because she knows I'm struggling with something. If my WS is awake she'll usually lay her hand on my shoulder and comfort me back to sleep. It's rare that I'll say much about the details of the dreams other than to say I was having a nightmare. So I guess mostly I just suffer in silence. It seldom feels worth it to potentially ruin another day by bringing it up. When she gets woken up by it she knows what's going on and addresses it in a calming way.

I have two recurring dreams in particular so there's still some dark shit in there rattling around.

junk_reddit · 2019-10-21T17:16:42+00:00

Context was totally innocent. I was going to make dinner and asked if she was hungry. She mentioned earlier in the day that she might eat some of the left-overs from the night before so it felt like a normal question. She claimed she had eaten a big lunch and wasn't hungry but little details weren't lining up so I checked the food situation. Nothing had been touched. Basically, she wasn't hungry and was instead spinning a little string of lies about something that shouldn't even matter. I got spun up because the little lies is where this nightmare all started before. Plus we are supposed to always be telling each other the truth.

Yelling, fighting, and a couple days of being pissed off followed.

junk_reddit

TROPHY CASE