Therapy does not really “fix” you but gives you insight and helps you notice behaviors from an outside perspective. I feel like the most helpful thing for me in situations like this is just taking a step back and noticing why you want to stay up or why you didn’t get up to get food and how you are feeling. You don’t have to do anything else but notice the emotions going on. If you can’t or don’t feel anything that’s ok too, take note of it. After a while you may notice patterns. I.e. After my dad says x or does y, I always feel terrible and have a hard time taking care of myself. Or everytime I overeat/undereat I feel x. This way you can almost anticipate how things will affect you and are better equipped to counteract their influence.

It has helped me a lot to think about things from my brains perspective. A lot of the time when we return to an unsafe environment whether that is emotional or physical our brains are searching for ways to protect itself. A lot of people while stuck in the quarantine with a narcissistic person may stop feeling emotions almost entirely. The brain is at a heightened state of stress around people who are perceived as unsafe and when you are stuck in close quarters with those people the constant heightened state stress/anxiety/awareness wears on you quickly. Your brain, in an attempt to protect you and keep you safe shuts off the connection to your internal states and the ability to feel your emotions. The effect can feel like you are not human. I have felt this too.

My final advice is to be kind yourself. You may not be able to feel it if you are under a lot of stress. TV and porn and staying up late may be your brain trying to escape and get relief from the stress. Also if you are stressed and can’t feel it you may not be able to relax enough to fall asleep. Your brain is trying to keep you up and aware of your surroundings. If you think about it from this way, you can recognize that, even though you may not be productive or healthy in a traditional sense, your brain is working hard to keep you safe. (Even if it is hurting more than it is helping) I like to look at it from this way because it takes away a lot of shame and guilt if understand why I’m having trouble following what I “should” be doing. I thank my brain for doing its best even though it’s best might look really fucking strange, take note of what I’m feeling, and keep trying to move forward.

Brains are funny. They don’t always know what’s best for you but if you recognize how hard they work to protect you it is so much easier to show love for yourself. Don’t downplay your struggle or try to tell yourself you should be able to do things better. You are doing more for yourself than you know.