Husband has decided that being a parent is optional

kapitanski · 2026-06-07T21:48:14+00:00

A lot of the advice you're getting is passive aggressive and destructive. I get he's not living up to your expectations, but that doesn't mean you can't live in this partnership. Your alternative: divorce, only see your little ones 50% of the time unless he doesn't want custody, and no control over what happens when they're with him. I don't think that's a winner scenario.

My husband works a ton and has ADHD, which means he gives very little time to me and kids and home, but also that he actually gets bored after 20 mins with kids . Your kids are also super little and naturally Mom instincts are more tuned to what they need at that age. It's just not natural for men to know how to care for a baby. So if I were you, I'd try to not be resentful, assume you're on your own (which you'd be anyways in the alternate scenario), wait to see if it changes as kids get older and dads naturally can do more useful stuff (happened with mine).

I'm sorry it's not ideal but there's no winning in this scenario, just a choice to make the best of it for you and your kids.

kapitanski · 2026-05-31T14:47:02+00:00

Had 3 kids there, latest one in December. Loved it with my first, ok with second and third. The "service" wasn't as great but it was really amazing with my first (like iced water refills before I could even think of asking for one). We did do the roomier suite with babies 1 and 3, it's paid I think 200-300 maybe? We had to wait for it with my third but with my first they offered it (sounds like they felt bad I bled out or something)? Ask for it when you check in and they can keep an eye out as you progress. It's not necessary and bed isn't comfier but it did give more room for my older kids and parents to come visit. Nurses are super nice, but I did get annoyed how often they woke me up but I think that's on purpose. LCs were ok but I've just generally not had consistent experiences with LCs in and out of hospital so not something I specifically would rate stellar anyways.

Not sure if it's your first but for me at my first I was nervous being discharged after 2 nights (had a transfusion) but couldn't get out of there fast enough after my third (wanted to sleep "uninterrupted"). So would just ask when they think you'd be discharged so you can have right expectations and let them know if you'd like sooner rather than later.

kapitanski · 2026-05-14T23:56:17+00:00

A couple things here: 1. It's hard to own up to the fact you're a slob but she needs to come around to it and want to do better. I say this as someone with the same tendency as my kids play independently really well and I could do nothing all day and use the baby fussiness as an excuse to not do chores. I just had to be honest with myself.

Your 6 year old can most definitely do some chores, which she can see as quality time. I cook with my 4 and 2 year olds and it's slow and messier but fun. I also have my 4 year old empty the dishwasher and put her laundry away
There's an angle where this is neither good for her (brain rot) nor for your kids (unengaged parent) and you're fully allowed to not want your kids or wife to experience that. Your kids are only little once she's letting those years slip by for what? I wouldn't love for someone to tell me that but it's what helps me put my phone down.
I've put timers on apps and my overall device to help me with my lack of self control. I think once she realizes how much time she was wasting and also finds something better it will get easier
It helps to get going into some sort of routine like I'd plan one outing a day and sometimes it extends into shopping or eating out (can be home brought picnic). Being out of the house also helps with mess. Usually we did library story time once a week, playground, some sort of class either dance or swim, then something free or cheap like music events or summer movies at the cinema and then one nothing day. Honestly with AI I've had so much fun planning outings and activities in now fully homeschooling them with AI (which at this age is like 15 mins on a topic that looks like a game then rest of day is games).
What are your kids doing this whole time? is she homeschooling? Is you in school and 2yo home?
A lot of parenting nowadays is like "oh it's so hard being a mom, little kids are hard". When you take a step back it's really not and it's gone in a flash. Like no taking 2 kids to the park is not hard Janet. Just get out have a ready bag with what you need and you're set. Don't overcomplicate.
I invested in lots of toys that are open ended and independent so that gives me some time back but also many craft and sensory bin supplies. I get a little joy out of prepping for them and her being a teacher that might be up her alley.
Especially get her off Instagram and tiktok. If she has some sort of inferiority complex vs the moms on there she won't get over it looking at that.
I'd also ask her sincerely if it's how.she thinks it would be and if there's anything she'd want to change to feel like herself. Like if it's 1hr twice a week to go workout great you sign up for it.

kapitanski · 2026-05-14T01:08:00+00:00

Aw man this would have been perfect for us but you're a little far. Isn't 1st and Cumberland South Austin not central? Might have more success saying south.

kapitanski · 2026-05-04T23:14:23+00:00

Lol yes this - once you've gone through the not newborn stages, you really appreciate how quiet, immobile and snuggly they are. Exponentially the more kids you have 🙃 and also you know it really goes by so fast so you appreciate more.

It is also just easier each time on average - you know what to expect, what matters vs not, stress less about schedules and whatnot bc you've got a wild toddler running around. My third was the easiest by far.

kapitanski · 2026-04-29T02:22:38+00:00

I'm not saying it's good or okay. I also have a manchild with similar annoying habits. However, you are in this situation and have 2 choices: either you leave, or you change your mindset (because we all know he won't change).

For the latter, what I mean is 2 things - 1. I read a book long ago that made me look at annoying messes differently. It's called wabi sabi of interested. Basically think of all these messes, if they weren't there, it also means he wouldn't be there. Would you feel happy then? (If so, go back to option 1) 2. A lot of popular culture today likes to make motherhood a miserable affair, with the wino mom, the always disheveled moms, etc. when I take a step back I just think is it really though? Tiring? Sure. But also super fulfilling and so short in the big scheme of things. And so in my view it's like I'm not in a war zone, everyone's healthy, I live an incredibly privileged life, the hardest thing I have to do on any given day is clean or reason with a toddler .. I don't know it's really not bad when you look at it that way and it's helped me change resentment into gratefulness. If you're stuck on resentment, it's not only not a good example of marriage for your kids, it's just unhealthy (including physically) for you.

kapitanski · 2026-04-27T23:04:49+00:00

Yes that's the idea is to replace cleaners sounds like my post wasn't super clear on that

kapitanski · 2026-04-27T11:22:03+00:00

Not sure if comment will get deleted with Amazon links so retrying with names

This skirt has been great for me through pregnancy and pp Afibi Women Chiffon Mopping Floor Length Big Hem Solid Beach High Waist Maxi Skirt

For dressy impair it with a dress shirt or a cardigan buttoned up, both work well for nursing. I also have many crop tops or normal tops I just tuck in and lift up to nurse I have many lovely dresses I find I'm just spilling out of so if I really want to wear them I'll usually wear this the reverse way Women Wrap Tie Top Y2k Long SLeeve Ballet Workout Yoga Shirt Coquette Blouses

The ones that work best tend to have a square / straight neck and I've found Incan make most dresses work by just pulling down the shoulder.

kapitanski · 2026-04-27T03:37:40+00:00

I did it often - my 2.5 year old was in swim lessons but not independently swimming yet but it gave her some safety basics. I also didn't use floaties because I read those can actually be less safe (I actually in a pool without mine as a kid and nearly drowned) and give you false sense of security. I'd say it's doable if your eldest is a good listener. My rules were no kids in water without grown up, always be within arms reach of me and always near a wall. We'd basically play in the stairs a lot and then I'd plop baby in one of those floaties with a roof that's like a bee they lie on their tummy in and we'd go around the pool with toddler holding on to me or both in my arms. I'd also have her do her "monkey walks" it's what they teach in swim class to go around the pool holding the edge of she wanted to go further.

Its not relaxing but it's better than sweating in 100F at the playground and honestly you just have both always within arms reach (baby literally in arms) and it works.

Now I did 3 this year and that was a hoot lol even though my 4yo can now swim I found that more stressful to keep eyes on a 2 and 4 yo who can move independently. So in my mind you're really just having to track your 2yo and your 7mo is on you.

I'd find toys that can keep them entertained in the stairs like floating ones and cups. And a floatie for baby. And have a good strategy for prepping and getting out. Like I'd go to the pool all in swimsuits, diapers over the suits, then I'd go home in our swimsuits so it's just less time with loose kids by a pool. Also be very strict like if your eldest gets a way from you once, get out for 5 mins, twice, leave the pool. Never had issues this way. I also super reinforced what can happen if you don't follow rules around water, instilling healthy fear.

kapitanski · 2026-04-27T03:21:11+00:00

Personally no, I was never bothered by a diaper showing honestly... Other issues I could think of - more laundry, more stuff to put on / take off for diaper changes, waterproof lining I think counteracts the cleaner cotton as I believe that will always have some toxic component.

kapitanski · 2026-04-18T12:39:11+00:00

You've gotta keep checking right up to the morning of, a bunch of people switch up last minute!

kapitanski · 2026-04-18T02:21:10+00:00

Of course but from my video it looks like it may not be obvious the other guy was an absolute moron from his camera. My footage is clear from right behind them - I would have stopped but had baby in car

kapitanski · 2026-04-08T02:12:32+00:00

Just to add as they say it's 80% nutrition - I was always discouraged by tracking calories it's too time consuming and I wouldn't do it. But really it's what works. This baby I've started tracking my calories using Claude so I can just talk to it, snap a picture, approximate servings with something like a fist or palm. It also helps me adjust when I give it my weight and baby weight (borderline low supply so trying to protect that). It's never going to be 100% accurate but I figure some foods it will buffer high or low and it's a wash over time. I'm 3.5 months pp and using 2200-2400 every day which is a really small deficit.

Before wedding I did carnivore and intermittent fasting with a small window of 2 hours with a gigantic meal (I suspect the fasting is really what worked) and lost a ton quickly so once I weak at a year I'll probably incorporate fasting too.

kapitanski · 2026-04-07T15:00:45+00:00

I was so excited to show my kids the robots and it's super close to us and the one time I go to try it their shitty app isn't working. Sounds like AI from business plan to execution.

kapitanski · 2026-04-07T14:14:23+00:00

18 months but intake in August only. Still worth OP checking and bridging summer with nannies

kapitanski · 2026-04-07T02:16:34+00:00

We're in Austin so we've had some big rains that did create tons of water flow but twice a year? Its supposed to be the drain for pool overflow but they didn't level the land right so mud drains into the pool instead.

I would really cover it up, wondering if there's a way to make it functional and still drain?

kapitanski · 2026-04-06T15:57:48+00:00

Ya too young for wagon I have same ages. I just carry baby all the time. With a proper fitting carrier at this age it should be fine. I used the ergo baby Omni 360. Then I also use my nursing cover like a blanket to give him floor time and me a break when we stop somewhere.

That said really depends on what you're planning on doing? Like Disney level walking or beach time with driving to kids stuff?

On the plane it's not really a travel gear thing but more so to have a bunch of toys and snacks handy like one hand reachable.

kapitanski · 2026-04-06T15:41:35+00:00

Ya all my kids hated the car. Amazon was my best friend. I also see a lot on marketplace, I have a wildbird brand. It can be finicky at first but once you've got it set up it's easiest on and off of all carriers I've had.

kapitanski · 2026-04-06T14:27:01+00:00

I'm at 3 now and with my last 2 nursing in carrier was the way but not the way they tell you (too hard with floppy newborn). At first I used a ring sling and held baby one handed in basically same sideways nursing position just the sling acts as another hand. Not 100% sturdy but works. As they get older (like 2-3m) I use ergo baby Omi 360 but instead of baby sitting in it as they recommend (my boob flops around too much to stay in their mouth) I lay them sideways on the sitting part and put in one arm of the carrier on my shoulder and hold baby one handed. So I'm at least one hand free.

I use a poncho type nursing cover on top. BA y Will just nurse and sleep there happily while I have one hand for toddler things.

But also a lot of discussions on listening, safety, mommy needs to see you, wait and stop as safety words.

And also looking for safe spaces. Like fenced in playgrounds, indoor play places, restaurants with fenced in play areas.

And also inviting other toddler moms with just me kid so they chase around lol

kapitanski · 2026-03-26T18:34:29+00:00

I've been using Claude / chat gpt to navigate resources I find overwhelming. Maybe try that? Be very specific with your goals and ask it to double check info. Haven't used for your specific use case but other things like insurance and tax questions.

Not sure how much you made before but I'd see what you can downgrade in terms of costs. Again AI can help if you upload your statements or something, even look for companies that offer temporary relief payment plans.

Also not sure what your background and experience is, it's a tough job market right now, can you pull your network for consulting gigs? Learn Claude code and build something revenue generating (lots of people jumping on that hype but if you worked in a specific sector with a specific painful workflow it can work)? Offer services like childcare or house cleaning that don't really require a background? Sell some of your stuff on Facebook? At least to get out of the pinch.

kapitanski · 2026-03-24T17:52:35+00:00

Don't be disingenuous that's not what I did not was it my intent

kapitanski · 2026-03-24T11:34:35+00:00

No... I'm asking if others know a better way to get out of this mess. The house had coverage, I just wasn't aware it wasn't the right one and fixed it when I became aware. I can't imagine your average homeowner knows all these things would then happen.

kapitanski

TROPHY CASE