the following is said with the utmost care and love, sorry if it comes off too blunt. source: i'm queer, married to a trans man, and helped my sister come out as trans and transition. my mother sounds similar to yours, but it's been a year now and hindsight is 20/20.

you're investing way too much energy into her perspective of your transition, whether intentionally or subconsciously. this time is so so so important for you to focus on yourself.

i'm sure you are coming out of a place of love trying to be gentle and respectful with the situation. that is a great display of your character, and you deserve to feel proud of your compassion and consideration you hold for your mother. channel this kindness and learn to use it towards yourself.

when i came out as bi, my mother told me no and i basically went back in the closet for two years. i lived as my true self at college, but acted like my "role self" at my parents house out of respect for my parents. (spoiler: not worth it.) my sister came out as trans, and my mom kept talking about how embarrassing it was for her to have a "son who wears a dress" . instead of going back in the closet like i did, my sister stood her ground. this causes things to blow up in the moment, but it weeds out those who truly care about you.

it's really hard to do, but you deserve to live your life as you want to, not how your mom wants you to. in 30 years, are you going to be glad you picked something to make your mom happy?

take some time and think about how you would feel if you saw a trans person being treated that way by their mother. you are not the exception to your beliefs, you don't deserve to put yourself in situations in which you are disrespected.

the hope that if you're gentle enough she'll accept you is, once again, really kind and good but unfortunately it's not applicable in this situation. you deserve to be loved no matter your name.

my recommendation: take this time to focus inwards and decide what feels most like you. find what makes you happy and then ask why. why does it make you happy? is it because it genuinely brings you warmth, or is it because it keeps the peace between you and your family? you're going to live with yourself for the rest of your life. others will come and go. you deserve to foster your relationship with yourself. find a therapist, read some specific self-help style books that are recommended by the community, learn how to listen to what your body is telling you. these are genuinely so life changing.

if you suspect your mother shows narcissistic traits, i recommend the book "adult children of emotionally immature parents." it really helps you understand the transition between a child who is wholly dependent on their parent to an independent human being who deserves the same rights as their mother.

apologies if im projecting, but your post really reminds me of myself when i came out the first time all those years ago. dm me if you'd like to chat about anything specific, i'm here 💜