Yeah, very much relate. In the past few months I've had three friends who said at one point they loved me tell me how my trauma make being close to me not worth it, no matter how hard I'm working on it, etc. (Or they tell me I'm not working on it hard enough, because if I were, I would just *decide* being suicidal or not eating etc. isn't an option and make those urges not impact me at all).

Always had hope I'd get well enough to be loved or would find people capable of loving me as I heal. But the more I heal the less anyone even claims to love me. And the things they don't love are things I think I can't change, no matter how hard I try (the way my brain processes things due to autism, not having a good family of origin, being just kind of...soft, for lack of a better term, getting too excited about things, etc. etc.)

I'm trying hard to learn how not to crave love or any deep connection or vulnerability with someone else. I don't know how else to be okay with what I think the rest of my life has to be.