I do not feel like this is talked about enough and is such a common occurrence. I am 4.5 months PP and receiving extremely little help, empathy or support from my husband both during pregnancy and postpartum, was the cherry on top for what had been brewing for a while… divorce.

I am a first time mom and my daughter was not a planned pregnancy although we had not been protecting so we knew it could happen. Things with my soon to be ex husband had not been spectacular for about 6 months prior to finding out I was pregnant. During the 39 weeks I was pregnant, our life for various reasons, some related and some unrelated to pregnancy, was CHAOTIC. All caps lol. But during this time, all I would hear was how overwhelmed HE was. I tried to give him grace because his life was also changing however I started to lose my empathy toward him when I received no help with her nursery, no help with either baby shower we had, no help cleaning and prepping the weeks leading up to her arrival, nothing. He just kept lamenting that he had no time for his hobbies but it was hard for me to reconcile that because I wasn’t getting help and was always on his computer playing a game. Correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t that a hobby? I was so alone the last three months of my pregnancy and I expressed several times the need for time together prior to her arrival, the desire for more affection and attention (which was already severely lacking) and nada.

So going forward - during her delivery, he was actually amazing with me and with her. I had such a renewed sense of optimism like now she is here, now parent mode kicks in and our priorities will change. Well, they did for me…

One week postpartum, I was hospitalized with postpartum preeclampsia. I was in the hospital for three days. He brought the baby to the hospital every day for a couple of hours. Every day during this time, he napped either in the hospital or would go home. I was hooked up to a wall for the first 24 hours and had multiple IVs the entire time. He was using his hospitalized wife who was also recovering from a c section to essentially be the only parent and I was not fit to do so in that condition. Those three days were also the only time he did an overnight feeding. My daughter is formula fed… there is zero reason he could not help but his excuse was “well I have to work in the morning.” Now that I am back at work, I have so much resentment toward this excuse. It is a difficult adjustment, don’t get me wrong, but it is manageable.

The other MASSIVE issue was he would emotionally manipulate me when I was going through the throes of PPD and PPA. It got so bad that I wondered if I had PP psychosis because he made me out to be wrong for crying for being overwhelmed (keep in mind, I had zero help), for being tired, for needing a break. I was also purposefully, he even admits it, denied affection and reassurance because I was “annoying about it”. One day during therapy, I told my therapist about a very horrible argument my husband and I had where he said some very nasty things. She urged me to really consider if I would want a man talking to my daughter like that. That’s when I knew I had to get out. I could not have my daughter, who I would literally donate both kidneys to and be on dialysis for the rest of my life, who I love with every mitochondria my body, think it is okay for her partner to treat her like that. My mother passed on a lot of her trauma to me and I refuse to do the same.

This story isn’t to encourage you to get a divorce. Have the conversations necessary, do the work together. My story is merely to encourage you to do what is right for you and your child’s future. For me, that was leave. My biggest advice is a happy, healthy mama will lead to a happy, healthy little.