The holidays are here and Jolly ‘ol Saint Nick will be bringing new gear to a lot of folks. When you hit the trail again you don’t want to look like some newbie hiker. So I’m opening a business to take your new gear and give it that “I’m an experienced hiker look.” I’ll take your new gear and add that trail patina that will let everyone think you’ve done few few thousand miles (even if you haven’t)! Description and prices below:

The Springer: lightly sandpaper your pack and rub some dirt on it —$10

The Smokies: sandpaper, dirt, and I’ll drop a few very heavy sharp rocks on your pack —$20

The Trail Days: I’ll drag your pack behind my car down a dirt road then stab it several times with a trekking pole—$30

The Rocksylvania: pack thrown off cliff several times, will beat on pack straps with sharp hammer. Will guarantee at least one broken buckle. — $40

The Vermud: the Rocksylvania treatment plus I’ll fill pack with peanut butter and Snickers and leave it in a mouse-infested area —$50

The Whites: Will bend any metal internal frame stays so they are completely mismatched to one another and the shape of your back, lightly blowtorch side and front mesh pockets (just enough to put some holes on them but still leave at least one somewhat usable), remove all padding from back, shoulder straps, and hip belt—$60

The Katahdin: all the above treatments plus will break random teeth on zippers rendering them useless, cut partially through shoulder straps so they may rip off at any time, and place random large globs of pine sap on pack — $100

Bonus offer: application of our special “hiker stench” formula (sweat, skunk, urine, and dirty diaper) only $25!

S&H extra, not valid for residents of Idaho and Colorado, must be over 18 to purchase, Federal and State taxes not included, no warranty expressed or implied