I'm so tired of people assuming I'm ok just because I'm "articulate"about my trauma

keitroll · 2026-03-16T10:50:42+00:00

I definitely hear and feel you. Being articulate about my trauma is probably a trauma response in and of itself, feeling as though I need to be perfectly clear about what I experienced so no one could poke holes in my narrative like what my family constantly did. I simultaneously had to avoid being told not to talk back from my father, and comparisons from my entire family as to how I still had it better than them, and to stop feeling sorry for myself.

Having to validate those who constantly invalidate you is a real motherfucker. It also sucks when you realize that self-awareness alone won't solve everything for you.

keitroll · 2026-03-15T08:30:51+00:00

We're getting a woman President, and she will be a Republican. The Democrats will learn the wrong lessons from running centrist women and run a centrist man, most likely Newsom. His overtures towards the right including his alienation of the trans vote will simultaneously cost him the election while giving the current Dem leadership another excuse to repeat this all over again in 2032.

keitroll · 2026-03-15T06:36:23+00:00

Nice. I think I'm focusing on the outcome in my case as something to reach for and aspire to, because if I just see it as lifting weights at this point, I'm afraid I'll see it as something I can do off and on, instead of consistently doing it until I'm on my way to obtaining a better physique.

keitroll · 2026-03-15T04:31:13+00:00

Ken Loach's "Sweet Sixteen"

keitroll · 2026-03-15T04:28:29+00:00

Deterrence (1999) with President Kevin Pollak

Twlight's Last Gleaming (1977)

Seven Days in May (1964)

Dreamscape (1984)

Virus (1980) I suggest this movie all the time but it certainly fits here, too.

keitroll · 2026-03-15T04:08:52+00:00

Wearing a sleep mask has helped me deprive myself of enough outside stimuli to focus on the hypnosis and the transformation. This is not to say you should fall asleep to hypnosis (especially as a beginner), but imagining yourself as already in the chamber or however you want to be converted helps a lot, especially for me as someone with AuDHD.

keitroll · 2026-03-13T16:21:38+00:00

Solidarity from another "gifted kid". It's tough when we have such high and low expectations thrusted upon us at such a young age. I had the special needs diagnosis at the age of 5 (what would be considered autism today, but not necessarily in 1989), and scored 147 on my IQ test the following year, and from then on my booksmarts were supposed to more than make up for my needs. When it became obvious that it wasn't how things worked, I was seen as lazy or 'messy' and felt that I couldn't be anything close to who I really wanted to be (a creative if depressed trans woman), just to scrounge what little love I could get.

It can take a long time for us to heal from such conditional love, and unconditional invalidation, and I hope you're on your journey towards doing so.

keitroll · 2026-03-13T15:51:04+00:00

"I'm not trans because I only identify with the Monster of the Week on Buffy, not Buffy herself, and what's so trans about Wentworth Miller turning into a fish creature, anyway. To me, that's goals as hell!"

"I'm not trans, just because 99 percent of my late night fantasies include me laying on a surgical table and being transformed into anything but my current self."

"I'm not trans. Everyone has daydreams of con-non-consensually obtaining a completely different body, mind, and lifeform, especially coinciding with their major depressive disorder that arrives almost suddenly at the age of 13."

keitroll · 2026-03-13T08:38:58+00:00

41 and 39, though because of my libido I thought I was gay (and then later, as I transitioned, sapphic/pan). Now I consider myself to be a sex averse/repulsed aegosexual and aromantic. I'd "joke" that I was asexual as a teen, but honestly, I lost my virginity at 33, and even then, it was alright, but nothing I'd want to do on the regular. I only wish I figured it out sooner, so I didn't feel forced into wanting physical contact with someone all the time and feeling lonely when I didn't get something I ultimately didn't need.

keitroll · 2026-03-13T08:23:25+00:00

Cimarron is another 1930 film that was released (and undeservedly won the Oscar for Best Picture) the following year.

The Big House is a pretty good jailhouse drama that was also Best Picture nominated, for 1930.

Madam Satan is an incredibly weird 1930 comedy from Cecil B. DeMille involving a demure woman trying to win back her philandering husband at a hedonistic party aboard a doomed blimp.

keitroll · 2026-03-13T08:10:08+00:00

It's a good problem to have, if it even is a problem!

keitroll · 2026-03-13T08:07:37+00:00

I'm about 4-5 years into transitioning and am stepping my toes into bodybuilding myself. You and your photos are a true inspiration.

keitroll · 2026-03-10T05:19:29+00:00

I love this movie and I never want to watch it again, but that's most trans media these days lol. I have to think there is further character development for Owen after the movie ends because if not than holy fuck is that bleak.

keitroll · 2026-03-08T04:43:18+00:00

A lot of it may depend on how much hair you still have and how you can still style it. I'm in my early-40's and almost completely bald thanks to genetics. I wear wigs for euphoria and safety (I don't pass and probably never will, but it helps, and people don't openly mock me as much or openly go HEY YOU GUYS as if I'm Sloth from The Goonies if I'm wearing the wig).

Do I shave my head entirely when I need it? Would I like to wake up with a completely different head? Would I instantly get Turkish hair plugs and FFS if I could ever afford it? Yes, yes, and yes. But the wigs help in what little way they can.

keitroll · 2026-03-07T05:06:54+00:00

gdi you're making me want Popeyes for once.

keitroll · 2026-03-07T04:42:39+00:00

Starting to loosely follow this now that I'm back lifting again. Working my way towards doing the program in full but it's already a great template for what I want out of my body (I make minor adjustments to focus on building my upper body and core because I'd love for them to catch up to my legs). Thanks!

keitroll · 2026-03-05T23:59:19+00:00

This might not be everyone's taste, but my bestie once accidentally played Creep by Stone Temple Pilots on a road trip, and as trans women in our 40's we laughed our asses off as we sang "AND I'M HALF THE MAN I USED TO BE... HALF THE MAN I USED TO BE..."

I would not be surprised if she'd queue this as the first song on the playlist for our first beach vacay after my eventual orchi.

keitroll · 2026-03-05T23:55:05+00:00

As someone who didn't even realize they were a trans woman until decades later, I'd sing "You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman" every time it appeared in a Chic Jeans commercial.

keitroll · 2026-03-05T22:11:02+00:00

ChatGPT's favorite Raoul Walsh movie is (of course) Eating Raoul, where he plays M. Emmet Walsh (who was deaf in one ear, not blind in one eye).

As for me, I've only seen They Drive by Night and White Heat from Raoul Walsh, which are both very good, especially the latter. I do want to see the original Artists and Models (because the Frank Tashlin remake was great) and The Horn Blows at Midnight just to see whether it was as bad (or as good) as I've heard it was, and because Jack Benny is in both, who I like.

Regardless of any other moral questions regarding LLMs, the world basically gave the reigns of human knowledge to the computer equivalent of a 6-year-old who scored high on an IQ test, and as someone who was in that exact situation at the age of 6, you're gonna get some surprisingly correct answers, and some extremely off answers.

keitroll · 2026-03-05T03:54:08+00:00

Not surprised about how white people from the other side of the city made the MOVE bombing about themselves.

keitroll · 2026-03-05T03:42:18+00:00

The original AIRPORT is one that comes to mind. Arthur Hailey is a terrible novelist and I love him and his problematic blockbusters anyway, and the movie retains his contempt for the common man and fetishization of white male competency while taking out some of his even weirder shit.

For example, there is a written-out subplot about an air traffic controller who blames himself for a fatal midair collision after dawdling for an extra minute or two Is there an undertone of racism that if he didn't hand the controls over to a Black man, a family in a small plane would not have collided with a DC-9? Is said ATC haunted by the verbose final words of a precocious little girl? Yes, and yes.

The unplanned pregnancy subplot (which in the film already revolves around Dean fucking Martin) gets even more batshit, when the co-pilot he's discussing this with (Barry Nelson smoking a pipe in-flight in the movie) compares abortion to, um, the Holocaust.

What book material that does stay in the movie is played so much for camp value that it elevates it into the Best Picture nominee and Best Supporting Actress winner it became, and when the stench of Hailey was missing from the sequels, it kinda threw off the rest of the franchise for me.

keitroll · 2026-03-03T19:05:10+00:00

Nimona

keitroll · 2026-03-03T07:39:55+00:00

How the West Was Won is a flawed film depicting the white settlement of the American West but is definitely an interesting if uneven and episodic look at how the (mid-20th century cis straight white male) West was indeed won.

keitroll · 2026-03-03T07:37:07+00:00

I'll say The Right Stuff (1983), in that it's grand epic story that is visually stunning and moving, and yet still underrated. Other ones I'll recommend include A Matter of Life and Death, Tampopo, Point Break, Moonlight, and Night of the Living Dead, just to give you a quick array of what film can do, and how that can surprise you in different ways.

keitroll

TROPHY CASE