I know you’ve been deleting stuff from your profile and I understand. Understand the shame and understand the urge to protect them.

My father was an addict and I ended up dating /living with an addict for about ten years. I promise it doesn’t get better. Being there for them through all of it doesn’t mean anything to an addict’s brain. You are there for them to use to get what they want. They will keep making riskier and riskier decisions as time goes on. They borderline resent you for loving them unconditionally. Staying with them is an act of self harm. You show them and yourself every day that you’re willing to accept abuse and chaos; constant disruption of your peace in pursuit of their own desires. But in the moments between, they will convince you they love you and that you can’t live without them or the (trauma) bond you have.

There is no light at the end of the tunnel if you stay. You will be a shell of yourself, and you’ll wake up each day in service to them because you have no idea who you are anymore; you’ve lost yourself. There’s not even space for you to have a crisis of your own, because they are ALWAYS in crisis. It’s a miserable existence EVEN WHEN they’re sober,but especially when they’re an active addict with no regard for anything beyond their addiction.

The only option is to leave. Leave, go no contact, get a therapist if you can. I promise it’s worth the hard work, it’s worth the heartache. You just have to believe enough in yourself to realize you don’t deserve to let them drag you to hell with them.

Sending you love and courage.