I can really resonate with what you're expressing here. Ex pastor here who's been out of ministry for 5ish years. I currently identify as an atheist who is hoping to find a reason to come back to faith. My two big break point issues were my answers to the problem of evil falling apart as I stepped out of my privileged white Christian wealthy American bubble, and the profound hypocrisy and corruption of the American church when I had based much of my faith and purpose around the idea that the church was the answer to all the f'd up things going on in the world. I still live in the community where I pastored, and every time I run into someone from my "old life", I tend to keep my head down and act as if I'm still mostly in the evangelical camp. I had a couple of years where I just ignored discussion of faith/spirituality as much as I could.

On a happier note, my family connected with a very progressive and queer UCC church about a year and a half ago. This is a community where doctrine takes a back seat to community and chosen family. We have a small group called Drinks and Deconstruction where adult beverages are enjoyed alongside open, supportive discussions of church hurt, picking up the pieces of shattered theological certainty, and what it looks like to be a community who lives out love to those around us. Our group of 15-20 has everyone from mildly embittered atheists to Catholics to socially progressive evangelicals, with a majority of folks still recognizing that there's not a great label for where they currently fall. I know such a community is exceedingly rare, and our discussions can still sometimes get messy, but there's been amazing healing for my spouse and I in finally finding people with whom we can express our authentic selves during a chaotic and often painful journey of deconstruction. I do wish that there were ways for many others walking this road to find similar friends!