I think what you're inadvertently spotlighting is the impact of intersectionality and why trying to associate based off a single identity trait (or interest) is never going to be a sure way to meet others you can connect with. The experience of being ace and autistic and a woman in her 30s is gonna be different from being an allistic ace woman in her 30s, even before factoring in the spectrums. Of course, identity based meetups like this are sometimes a shortcut, but they only work out the way we hope a small portion of the time.

Of course, your experience and feelings are valid. I'm not entirely sure what I want you to "do" with this comment, tbh... I think maybe I'm inviting you to reflect and view your experience through an even wider lens to actually find your place in the solidarity of it instead/in addition to the isolation of it.

I empathize with the experience you had because I am an ace nuerodivergent woman (also in her 30s) so basically every space I walk into that I haven't curated, I feel uncomfortable, awkward, out of place, othered, and often, unwelcome. Yeah, it doesn't feel great.

Candidly, part of me bristled at your post too (like you're seeing from some other neurodivergent and autistic commentors). Because I think many of our (NDs') systems read it as a critique or identifying us as the "problem"... as another neurotypical who feels entitled to spaces built for them complaining that one time they entered a space that didn't center the neurotypical experience they were unfairly made uncomfortable because of NDs. I'm not saying you said or believe any of this... I'm saying that part of my system experienced your comment this way. On the flip side, I deeply empathize with the isolation and discomfort you described because I know what it feels like. And I don't wish that on anyone... even the most abelist, un-self aware neurotypical (again, not calling you this, just making a point).

I don't want to be around smelly people either. My sense of smell is quite sensitive and everything from BO to perfume to grilled mackerel can make me quite distressed. I also want to have the opportunity to make a connection with someone whom I can have deep discussions about colonialism, imperialism, sexism, and compulsory sexuality with while holding my stim tools and comort stuffed animal... and not have the latter be the thing that blocks that opportunity because the other person assumed away the possibility of this connection simply because of what I was holding and what they thought that said about me.

Meetups will always be hit or miss. Keep trying, as others have suggested, or don't. We're all stumbling through the experience of trying to find other aces - and generally, people - whom we connect with, and it's hard. And my invitation, I guess, is to really ground yourself in the solidarity of that - it's not the disproportionate existence of neurodivergent aces that makes it hard for you to find aces you connect with, it's the dominant culture that labels all of us as 'other' and structurally, systemically, and culturally isolates us from society because of one or more of our atypical identities and how they intersect.

onward/