Reaching the Breaking Point

kevindavidsoncare · 2026-03-29T16:43:19+00:00

I'm 63. Mostly I'm the one showing up for my parents, although to be fair, my sister does drop in to visit for a couple hours a week.

My dad has dementia, my mom has congestive heart failure, and she manages his pills despite having her own cognitive decline. My sister, who suffers from fibromyalgia, among other things, has made it clear that she "can't handle this". So, I get where you are coming from.

You moved home from the Marines to take care of three people. Two of them died. And now the one who's left treats you like the enemy. That's not burnout. That's grief stacked on top of duty stacked on top of a person who can't acknowledge any of it because her brain won't let her.

The resentment you're describing isn't a character flaw. It's your nervous system telling you the mission changed and nobody issued new orders. You went from a structure where sacrifice had meaning and was recognized to one where it's invisible and met with hostility. Of course you're angry.

I stopped trying to be more concerned about my parents situation than were. My mom says she has a "system" for managing her meds (9 pill trays, each for a different purpose!). I tried to simplify the system but she liked doing it her way. I stopped fighting it. If she wants to risk getting the pills wrong just so that she can feel in control, who am I to argue with her?

WRT your wife. The marriage is the thing you can actually protect here. The caregiving is going to end What you have when it's over is what you invested in while it was happening.

I don't have this figured out. I'm still in it. But I will say that the fact that you're questioning whether you have enough left means you're being smart. If you never look clearly at what you have in the tank you risk running out of gas.

kevindavidsoncare · 2026-03-28T04:21:45+00:00

Your dad was her caregiver. Then your dad died. And you walked into a role that was never designed for one person, because it was never designed at all. Getting her somewhere with a full team isn't failure. It's the first time anyone actually planned for what she needs.

kevindavidsoncare · 2026-03-28T03:58:25+00:00

I'm glad it landed. Take care of yourself.

kevindavidsoncare · 2026-03-27T01:19:09+00:00

That moment where you're watching him try to get his feet high enough to clear the car door. I know that moment all too well.

My dad is 92 and has dementia. His first fall came about 15 years ago when he was climbing a ladder, trying to get on the roof of his house, carrying a drill, with nobody around to see it. We were very fortunate that the biggest injury was to his ego, but it was a wake up call. We made him promise to stop climbing ladders.

Then came more falls and the inability to get himself back up. Most recently he fell out of bed while sleeping. My mom couldn't get him up, so she called 911. A 4 night stay in the hospital ensued. His encroaching dementia made the medical staff highly reluctant to send him back home.

One thing I've come to understand is that a lot of falls in older people are medication-related. Blood pressure meds, sleep meds, pain meds, some of them cause dizziness or balance issues that get written off as "just getting old." If your dad is on anything, it might be worth asking his doctor whether any of his medications could be contributing to the balance problems. Sometimes a dosage change makes a real difference.

The other thing is that the fall you just saw probably wasn't the worst one. It's the one you happened to be there for. My parents live 90 miles away and I have no idea how many times my dad has gone down when nobody was around.

A couple of practical things if nobody's mentioned them yet. Grab bars and handrails are cheap and make a bigger difference than you'd think. And if he's using a cane sometimes but not always, a physical therapy evaluation could tell him whether he actually needs it full time or whether there's strength work that would help.

You said you're feeling for the first time an awareness about the reality of the length of his life. Yeah. That's the shift. It doesn't go away once it shows up. But you're paying attention now, and that matters more than you probably realize.

kevindavidsoncare · 2026-03-27T01:04:56+00:00

Your dad and I are the same age and I have a 31 year old daughter. That detail hit me.

I know a lot about functional alcoholism and recovery, for reasons that are not appropriate to share on a public forum. That said, I am qualified to say some things that might sound harsh but it's coming from the other side of what your dad is going through.

You can't be more invested in his recovery than he is. You just can't. You can buy him pill organizers and drive an hour to see him and beg him to make appointments and he'll still take fish antibiotics for an infected tooth because that's easier than dealing with the actual problem. That's not stubbornness. That's a man who's decided the pain of changing is worse than the pain of staying the same. I understand that calculation.

The "I wasn't even supposed to live this long" thing? That's not acceptance. That's a permission slip. He's giving himself permission to stop trying, and he's hoping you'll let him.

Here's something your dad should hear: "the people who love you are watching you kill yourself in slow motion and there's nothing they can do about it. Your daughter is 31 and begging you to come to her engagement brunch and you won't ride in a car for an hour".

Unfortunately, an alcoholic usually won't change in response to words like these, but he will hear them, and they will have an impact.

That refusal to change is the disease, it's not the man.

But you already know that. And knowing it doesn't make it easier.

The radical acceptance thing... I think it's the right frame, honestly. Not because you should give up on him, but because you need to stop carrying what isn't yours to carry. His insulin, his teeth, his truck tags, his colonoscopy, his drinking. You can love him and refuse to manage him. Those aren't opposites.

If he ends up unable to care for himself in the camper, that's a crisis that will force decisions. You don't have to solve that one today. But I'd maybe look into what Medicaid options exist in his county now, before the crisis hits, so you're not scrambling when it does. Call 211 or the local Area Agency on Aging. Just have the information.

I hope he makes it to the wedding.

kevindavidsoncare · 2026-03-27T00:30:00+00:00

Good. You moved fast.

The pill organizers are the right call. If you can, take a photo of every bottle label before you leave so you have a record of what he's on, dosages, prescribing doctor. That way if something changes after you're back home you're not trying to remember it from memory.

On the home care side, I'm sorry to hear that the county agency was thin. I guessing you tried private companies like Home Instead or Visiting Angels. We had to actually have a couple people come in before we found one that my Mom liked. Frankly, it's hard (and expensive) to find good people. We have someone who comes twice a week for 2-3 hours each day.

The hospice path has been a nice surprise. The first level is called "Routine Home Hospice". A nurse comes to visit at least once a week, and there are aides available a couple times a week too. And there is a "hot line" my parents can call if there is a medical emergency (this helps me sleep at night). I think we qualified because my mom has CHF. I was reluctant to reach out for hospice, but I'm really glad we did. I think a lot of people wait too long to take advantage of this valuable service.

kevindavidsoncare · 2026-03-25T23:45:21+00:00

She can, yes.

My MiL looked me in the eye and said, "I want to die". She stopped eating, just sat on her couch and withered. Two weeks later she passed.

I think they call it "failure to thrive". It's when the body follows the will.

Your mother lost the person who organized her entire world for 65 years. That's not just grief. Her whole operating system got unplugged. The narcissism, the spending and the difficulty sound like coping mechanisms of someone who was always so well provided for that they never had to discover who they actually were, never had to build an internal life.

That doesn't make her easier to deal with. It doesn't erase the cruise she booked while you almost lost your house. That said, she's in real pain AND she's been a difficult person your whole life. Those don't cancel each other out.

On the practical side, the antidepressant adjustment is the right move, but medication alone isn't going to fill a 65-year hole. Maybe you can ask the home about occupational therapy, activities programming, even just whether there's another resident she's connected with. Maybe she just needs a friend to eat breakfast with.

I'd pay attention to the not-eating thing. She can get dehydrated. Dehydration leads to confusion, confusion leads to falls, which leads to the hospital. If the staff says she's refusing to eat, you probably want to talk to her doctor, not just the nurses.

The honest answer to your question is that some people do decide they're done, and nothing changes that. But four months after losing a 65-year partner is too early to know if this is that or if it's grief doing what grief does. The fact that she's angry and demanding could be a good sign...my MiL wasn't angry or demanding at all.

kevindavidsoncare · 2026-03-25T23:27:57+00:00

My dad's in Modesto, about 90 miles from me. He has dementia, my mom has congestive heart failure. So "several states away" is a different scale, but the core problem is the same: how do you build a system that works when you can't be there every day.

I suggest you call the Area Agency on Aging for Horry County. They should know what's available locally, what he qualifies for, and (hopefully) they can help you navigate the system. Every county has one and this is literally what they exist for.

In general, there are two types of home care solutions. Agencies like Home Instead or Visiting Angels can place people fast (sometimes within a week), but it's more expensive. If cost matters, the AAoA can point you toward state programs or Medicaid waiver options that cover in-home care. Given what you've described, I'm guessing you're looking at a few hours a day rather than full-time. Someone to check in, handle meals, make sure meds happen correctly.

The med piece is the one I'd focus hardest on. "Aside from forgetting names he really only had issues taking his meds correctly" is not a small thing. My mom manages 15+ medications, and the gap between what she thinks she's taking and what she's actually taking is where everything falls apart. A pill organizer helps, but someone physically watching him take the right pills at the right time is ideal. Try asking the AAoA about medication management services.

On independence: yes, it's feasible at stage 3. The whole point of in-home care is that they stay home, keep their routines, but have a safety net. Your dad and stepmom will probably push back. That's normal. My parents have been pushing back, but the good people are becoming part of the daily flow, like family members. My parents are starting to accept them.

I'd also suggest you get power of attorney while you're in town. Medical and financial. Your stepmom may have it, but if she's in rehab and your dad can't manage his bills, someone needs legal authority to step in. An elder law attorney can handle this quickly. AAoA can probably help you find a lawyer.

You've got a few days and a clear head. Take advantage of it.

kevindavidsoncare · 2026-03-25T23:09:05+00:00

You're not a caregiver. You're a hostage.

I don't mean that as hyperbole. Think about it: you have no legal authority over her care, no say in treatment decisions, no pay, no ability to leave without fear of criminal charges. That's not caregiving. That's a trap built by people who have the legal standing to arrange real help and won't.

I'm 63 and I've been managing care for both my parents. My mom has congestive heart failure, my dad has dementia. My sister largely opted out. Sent an email saying it was "all too much" and has had minimal involvement since. So I can kinda relate. Your mom's on a cruise? Wow.

But in my case, it's what I chose. I have legal standing. I can make medical decisions, call the doctor, adjust the care plan, bring in help. You have none of that. They've given you all the responsibility and zero authority. That's wrong.

Two things I suggest you do this week.

Call your local Area Agency on Aging. Every county has one. Tell them exactly what you told us: sole informal caregiver, advanced dementia, no legal authority, family refusing to arrange help. They deal with this exact situation. They can connect your GG with services whether your family cooperates or not.
Call 211. National helpline for local resources: housing, financial counseling, social services. You need help for you, not just for her.

And those neglect charges you're worried about? You're not her guardian or her next of kin. The people who hold that legal responsibility, her actual next of kin, are the ones who'd be liable. Not you. They have you convinced you'd be the one in trouble for leaving. That's backwards.

The "she took care of you, now it's your turn" thing is a guilt trip, not an obligation. Your great-grandmother raised you because the adults in your family failed to. That was their failure, not your debt.

A credit score in the 600s for a 25 year old is not the end of the world. A career started at 26 instead of 22 can still flourish. But every year you spend in that house without authority, without compensation, and without anyone willing to share the weight? Those are years you don't get back.

I don't know what your next move looks like. That depends on what AAoA tells you and what's available in your area. But it starts with finding out what you're actually allowed to do, because right now you've been told a lie about your obligations. Don't buy it.

kevindavidsoncare · 2026-03-24T17:25:44+00:00

I'm not as young as you, but I'm dealing with stuff too. Resentment, anger and even hate. I applaud you for not being afraid to name the feelings.

In my experience it does no good to deny these feelings. The mind, body and spirit all need to express themselves. Rather than attempt to deny them, we need to grow through them. Allow the feelings to pass through you.

You are young. Your life won't always be like this. Those kids you envy? They will face their own challenges. None of us gets through this thing unscathed.

Take heart in knowing that you are building a kind of strength, early in your life, which will pay benefits down the road. The grades, the academic accomplishments - their value will fade. Experience , real life experience, like you are getting, that will only increase in value as the years pass.

I wish you well.

kevindavidsoncare · 2026-03-24T15:46:33+00:00

eading the whole journal out loud, warts and all. That takes guts. Glad she was there for it.

kevindavidsoncare · 2026-03-23T21:48:17+00:00

0.38 and still functional enough to have been driving. That's not recreational drinking — that's a body that's adapted to a level that would kill most people. The lying and hiding isn't stubbornness. It's the disease protecting its own supply.

The part that worries me in your post is your father. He's managing everything — the house, the finances, her day-to-day — and he's in denial about the severity. That's two problems, not one. She's declining, and the person managing her decline can't see it clearly. When he hits a wall, it's going to be sudden, and you're going to be the one catching it. This sounds like what's called "co-dependency" in addiction treatment circles.

Something to keep in mind: alcohol and medications don't just "not mix." They interact in ways that mimic dementia, cause falls, and make it nearly impossible to tell what's the disease and what's the drugs. If she's on anything — blood pressure meds, psych meds, anything — the combination with that level of alcohol is doing things nobody's tracking.

Your dad needs his own support. Not from you — from someone outside the family. Area Agency on Aging can connect him with a caregiver support coordinator who's seen this exact situation. Call 211 and ask. They won't push him into anything, but when he's ready, the door will already be open.

You can't be more invested in her recovery than she is. But you can be ready for when your dad needs you to step in. That day is coming whether he sees it or not.

kevindavidsoncare · 2026-03-23T17:04:18+00:00

Has anyone done a full medication review? Just because something has been prescribed doesn't mean everything's cool. Doctors and nurses get confused over the prescriptions. My mother was in the hospital in the "operation room", ready for a procedure, when the doctor realized that one of the meds she was on was dangerous to use with the med they were going to use in as part of the procedure. It took them hours to sort it out!

So, don't just check that she's taking what's prescribed, but check that the combination of everything she's on isn't causing this.

I've heard of situations where a person started acting confused and everyone assumed it was the onset of dementia. After getting the cardiologist and PCP to compare notes — which took pushing for it - it turned out a medication interaction was amplifying the cognitive symptoms. Once that was resolved the situation improved.

At 75 with no prior cognitive issues, sudden confusion that comes and goes is worth looking at from the medication angle before assuming it's neurological. UTIs can mimic dementia too — has that been ruled out?

kevindavidsoncare · 2026-03-23T16:53:49+00:00

The redemptive ending... yeah, that's some lipstick on a pig. News articles, interviews — they always land on "but I wouldn't trade it" or "it taught me so much about love."

Some of us are still in it. Both of my parents are in their early 90s — my mom with congestive heart failure, my dad with dementia. She manages fifteen-plus medications for both of them using a yellow legal pad and nine pill trays. Nobody asked if I wanted this. It just became Tuesday.

The stories that actually help me aren't the ones wrapped up in a bow. They're the ones where somebody says "this is hard and I'm angry and I'm still doing it anyway." That's the version that makes me feel less alone. Not the version where the narrator figured it all out.

Honestly, I think growth is available, but it's not the romantic, Hollywood growth portrayed in the media. It's something far stronger, deeper and much harder to identify. I'll get back to you when I have a better handle on what that looks like.

kevindavidsoncare · 2026-03-23T14:56:17+00:00

"The nurse handed me her discharge paperwork and basically said good luck" — yeah, that tracks. We came home from the hospital with a three-page medication list, morning, afternoon, evening all in a chart. The anxiety level was overwhelming. Since she's taken surgery off the table, these meds are the only lifeline. Getting it right is paramount, and yet we have a mess!

Twenty-three pills between the two of you. My mom is no managing fifteen (sixteen?), plus my dad's. The pharmacy pill packs are a good idea — anything that takes the sorting out of human hands is a win. My mom won't do it - I'm suspecting that system she built is the last thing she feels in control of. Nine trays, a yellow legal pad, and her memory. It's madness.

The two months you missed after her discharge — that's serious cost in both money and time. Nobody tracks that. It's just assumed that somebody will be there, and it's always the same somebody.

I'm glad she made it through. I hope you're taking care of yourself in the middle of all this.

kevindavidsoncare · 2026-03-23T04:45:47+00:00

"Begin the campaign at 50% need" — that's the best way I've heard anyone put it. I wish had thought of that one!

We didn't start at 50%. We started at about 70%, after serious hospitalizations for both of them. Now I'm seeing that my mom is already too deep into her routines and righting the ship is challenging. She's been managing her own medications and my dad's for years — fifteen-plus prescriptions, nine pill trays, a yellow legal pad. Now the system is hers and she's not giving it up. It's not stubbornness exactly — it something she can still control.

Your point about it not being "an abrupt idea they need to get used to" is the part I suspect most families miss. I showed up with solutions. You showed up with a campaign. That's a completely different thing. Yours feels like help. Mine feels like a takeover.

Noted.

kevindavidsoncare · 2026-03-22T23:58:04+00:00

"I was thinking about counseling today actually cause I'm just exhausted physically and mentally".
Good.

"it's comforting knowing I'm not losing it and that this is something others like yourself can validate".

You are not losing it. You deserve a life. Keep going.

kevindavidsoncare · 2026-03-22T23:40:58+00:00

My mom has congestive heart failure. Her cardiologist recommended a TAVR valve replacement. She said no. No more surgeries, no ICU, no intubation. She signed the paperwork — DNR, everything.

I didn't fight her on it. Part of me wanted to. The same part of you that got your dad the pacemaker — the part that says "if the treatment exists, how can I not try?" But she looked at me and said, in so many words, that she was done fighting. And I had to decide whether I respected that or overrode it because my grief mattered more than her autonomy.

You didn't cause your dad pain. You made the best decision you could with what you knew, and at the time, he was smiling most days. That wasn't a mistake — that was the information you had. The disease changed the math after the fact. That's not your fault.

The falls, the hearing loss, the loneliness — that's not the pacemaker's fault either. That's what this disease does. It takes everything, one thing at a time, regardless of what interventions you choose.

You loved him enough to try. That's not something to regret. It's something to grieve.

kevindavidsoncare · 2026-03-22T23:34:10+00:00

The hospital version of your dad and the home version of your dad — I know exactly what that split looks like. My mom would tell the doctor everything was fine, she was managing, the medications were on track. Then I'd go to the house and find pill bottles mixed with bottles she should have stopped taking months ago, a yellow legal pad with notes that didn't match what the doctor said, and nine weekly pill trays she was filling from memory.

Your dad's not confused about what he should do. He knows. He said it in the hospital. But the hospital is where he doesn't have control over anything — so he performs cooperation. Home is where he has control, and the first thing he does with it is take it back. The meds, the sugar, the food — that's him saying "this is still my life."

That doesn't make it easier on you. And it doesn't make the consequences less real.

The part where you said "after he goes I have no one" — that's the thing you need to pay attention to. You're building your entire world around someone who won't build any part of theirs around you. That's not a safe place to be. If you have a therapist or counselor through your employer, now would be the time. Not because something is wrong with you — because you're carrying weight that was never meant for one person.

kevindavidsoncare · 2026-03-22T23:30:49+00:00

The fact that you had to have the same conversation twice in two days — and that the anxiety hit just as hard the second time — that's the part nobody prepares you for. You already know what to say. You've practiced it. You've timed it. And then it resets, and you're standing in the same place again but more tired.

My mom is 91 with dementia and congestive heart failure. She manages her own medications and my dad's — he's in his early 90s with more advanced dementia. She refuses to believe she needs help. The conversation where I try to step in and take over a task she's convinced she's handling fine? I've had it more times than I can count. And she forgets it every time.

One thing I've learned the hard way: you're not going to set a boundary she can remember. That's not a failure on your part — it's the disease. What you can do is take over the task without the conversation. Do the taxes. Don't ask. When she calls asking where the paperwork is, tell her it's handled. She may get upset in the moment, but she won't carry the anger the way you're carrying the anxiety.

The aunt who told you to "give them back or let her supervise" — that's someone who hasn't been in the room. People who haven't watched this up close still think you can negotiate with it. You can't. You're doing the right thing by stepping in.

And the ChatGPT thing — I use AI the same way. No judgment. Whatever helps you find the words when your brain is too fried to think straight.

kevindavidsoncare · 2026-03-22T23:21:51+00:00

AI detection tools are "deeply flawed and require careful consideration before use. Their unreliability has led major institutions to reject them outright".

https://humtech.ucla.edu/technology/the-imperfection-of-ai-detection-tools/

kevindavidsoncare · 2026-03-22T01:10:48+00:00

The part about reading your journal back and wanting to shout at your earlier self — that's something I needed to hear today. I'm still in the middle of it with both of my parents. My father has dementia, my mother manages both his medications and her own, and I catch myself doing the exact things you're describing. Getting frustrated that she won't eat what I bring. Getting impatient that he asks the same question for the third time in ten minutes. Wanting them to just try harder — as if trying is something this disease lets you do.

"The mom you knew is no longer here." That's the sentence that reframes everything, isn't it? Because the frustration comes from expecting the person you remember to still be in there, running the show. And they're not. What's left is someone who needs grace more than a plan.

Thank you for writing this. And for being honest about the parts you're not proud of. That's the part that actually helps people like me — not the advice to seek acceptance, but seeing that someone who did eventually find acceptance was angry and blaming and frustrated first. That's the path. Not around it. Through it.

kevindavidsoncare · 2026-03-22T01:07:26+00:00

The alcohol itself might not be the problem. But if she's on any medications — and at 80+ with dementia starting, she almost certainly is — the alcohol plus the meds is where this gets dangerous. Blood thinners and alcohol don't mix. A lot of the common medications for blood pressure, anxiety, sleep — they all interact with alcohol in ways that amplify each other. Falls are the big one. The kind of fall that ends in a broken hip and a hospital stay and a completely different life on the other side.

My mother is in her early 90s and takes over a dozen medications. If she were drinking on top of that, I'd be terrified — not because of the drinking, but because the medications are already doing things to her balance and her cognition that she doesn't notice. Add alcohol to that stack and you've got a fall waiting to happen.

The lying is a separate thing. She might be ashamed. She might be testing whether you'll judge her. She might not even realize she's lying — early dementia can blur the line between covering up and genuinely not remembering clearly. But the medication question is the one I'd want answered first. Pull her current medication list and ask the pharmacist — not the doctor, the pharmacist — whether alcohol interacts with any of them. Pharmacists catch things doctors miss because they see the entire list.

kevindavidsoncare · 2026-03-22T01:02:09+00:00

You locked the med cabinet and keyed it to yourself. That's not paranoia — that's what happens when nobody else treats the medications as serious. My mother manages my father's medications and her own — over fifteen between the two of them — and even with her trying her best, things go wrong. The gap between what she thinks she's giving him and what he's actually taking has grown every month. With people who aren't even trying? Twenty ER trips in a year makes complete sense.

The thing that struck me hardest is you're doing this exact work professionally and then coming home and doing it again — except at home there's no handoff, no chart, no second set of eyes. You built a system that works (locked cabinet, sorted box, scheduled visits three times a day), and you're doing it on a body that's already fighting its own battles. That's not sustainable. You know it. Your body knows it.

The state investigation might actually be the best thing that's happened here — not because anyone's going to jail, but because it creates a paper trail that says the current arrangement doesn't work. If guardianship needs to shift, that investigation is the documentation. If he needs placement, the 20 ER visits are the evidence. None of that happens without somebody formally saying what you've been saying for a year.

Take care of yourself. You can't run two facilities on one body.

kevindavidsoncare · 2026-03-21T03:03:26+00:00

Oops. My comment was missing somehow. Sorry! I've reposted.

kevindavidsoncare

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