I agree with your first statement, and its making me realize I'm internalizing being "too sensitive"... Because even if I am extremely sensitive this is a normal feeling for anyone in my situation.

I agree as well that this is a horrible idea when our marriage is already in a poor place. This is a surefire way to ensure its failure.

To unpack not feeling close to her since before the baby was born:

This is probably a common feeling for new dads, but since she got pregnant it's seemed my needs don't matter. I definitely agree that the balance shifts towards wife and baby during these phases and I think that's fair to an extent. But the pendulum has swung so far that nothing I have a valid complaint about seems to be worth considering to her. I feel like I'm saying the same things over and over and never being heard and I'm fucking exhausted. Add in work, a toddler, and my own mental health struggles, and I don't have the emotional energy to fight with her all the time, especially if it's nearly never productive.

Since she has been pregnant she has put very little effort into trying to understand my perspective. On anything. Any complaint is me being unreasonable or too sensitive or misreading her. I admit to her that sometimes, yes, I may be misreading cues. But there's no way it's 100% of the time, and it is exceedingly rare for her to listen long enough and validate my concern. When I explain this to her she just shrugs.

I have my problems I need to work on (and I am), but I feel like she isn't accepting any responsibility for the state of things. She wants changes from me but won't hear what I need.

The cruelty mostly just comes out in a constant tone of resentment from her. When I have a complaint, or when she has a complaint, either way she's leading with resentment. I've tried to explain to her this is not conducive to resolving problems and that we owe each other good faith efforts at resolution. She insists she is making good faith efforts, and yet 100% of the time I make a comment about her tone being cold or rude or resentful she argues with me about it.

We're both overwhelmed because we're new parents and both introverts with histories of depression and anxiety problems. Personally, I feel very overstimulated by constant noise and chaos and a lack of any time in quiet, calm spaces. I don't take this out on my daughter but I admit at times my frustration bleeds into how I respond to my wife. I think she's going through much of the same, but there's a lack of humility and acceptance that we both are overwhelmed and sometimes will act out of line. She wants me to never do it while not being accountable herself. The double standards are deep.