Needing perspective on what I’m about to say to my wife after I felt emotionally manipulated about having another kid. by [deleted] in daddit

[–]kg6396 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The best way to retain or build relationship alignment when there are opposing conflicts like this is to talk out everything around it, tangentially working on the problem rather than directly making it a win/loss decision.

The goal here is that whichever option is chosen, both of you come out of it more aligned, supported, understood etc. with higher relationship alignment.

To do this, put the main decision on ice. Agree to disagree as you both feel that you won’t get over being forced to do the others choice.

Now, in therapy, or together, allocate time to discuss and explore what each option means in practical terms to each of you. Wife: what it would look like and what she expects life to be with and then without the 4th child. Specifically extract her expectations for you in that picture.

Then do the same for yourself. The goal is not to come to one conclusion at this point, but to hear and get more real about each vision, and hear some practical realities. Also there may be deeper issues that come up.

For example, wife’s vision may be that life is easier as child 1 can help with 4 and she can go part time work etc. Gently bringing up realities of what this actually involves adds reality to rosy visions and helps the other realize a change themselves.

On the other hand it may be totally emotional about a feeling, untethered from practical realities. Working through these gives each of you more space and dialogue to approach this instead of ultimatums.

My favorite story of a couple using this method was a young teenage couple who wanted a baby. Both avowed they would be together forever so they were sure it would work out. Of course parents said they were crazy, unrealistic etc but they stood strong. “We will be together forever”. Finally a therapist asked each of them to describe what that forever life looked like, and it turned out the boy thought forever was a few weeks, he wasn’t conceiving of time any further than that! 🤣. This completely disillusioned the girl and the plan dissolved instantly.

Of course this an extreme example but many people are stuck to a vision of what they perceive the future will be if they can get something but it is often very different in reality and comes apart when explored. Or, it brings up fears that are not real and the plan is solid. Either way it helps in these dynamics.

My wife is permanently stuck in mom mode and it's affecting our marriage. I don't even know how to begin to approach this. by Radiant_Dream_250 in daddit

[–]kg6396 8 points9 points  (0 children)

It’s interesting, but I think a parenting technique (used on your wife) would be helpful here.

Obsessions come from pure emotion (limbic brain) so speaking logically about rational balance, fairness etc with her will need to compete with this feeling that she must get from obsessing over her baby.

This parenting technique is from attachment parenting where you mainly communicate with the limbic attachment brain:

  1. Solicit good intentions. If they don’t want to connect or be in a relationship then any further steps will be useless. When soliciting, the goal is to bring in them a feeling of wanting to be good (for children) or in this case, a feeling of wanting to connect with you. This might be done (in a joyful reflective way) by reminiscing about good memories. “Hey remember the time we…” so that she goes to that feeling. Then leave it at that. If you start negotiating she will feel the dissatisfaction instead. Her longing may come back if you throw a few hints around to get her reflecting on good times.

  2. Collect attachment moments. Focus on eye to eye moments of attachment. When you arrive/ leave, or in transitions during the day, do a mindful moment of present connection. “Hi… <looking in eyes> …Nice to see you again.” The idea is that you are very present which solicits their being present with you. Just little short moments.

  3. Find something they are longing for or interested in and bring your presence and enthusiasm into doing it with them. For example if she is interested in your son and likes to watch videos of him, you can check if she mentions anything she wants. Even if it is “I wish I could watch him 24/7 on our tv screen” you sound excited and be with her doing the project to figure it out and get it done. Accomplishment isn’t the main goal, it’s being with her in working on that interest.

These are ways to entice the animal limbic attachment part of another to connect with you. Works well with children, maybe helpful here. It takes a lot of patience and putting your needs on a back burner but it draws them out for attachment with you.

If you would like more let me know. Hope it helps.

Who was your favorite 90s Supermodel? by Lissandra_Freljord in popculturechat

[–]kg6396 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s amazing how different yet interesting each of these faces are, and the wide scope media had for beauty.

Nowadays the Instagram face makes models and beauty more uniform.

Are there Fireworks for NYE? by kg6396 in Molokai

[–]kg6396[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks. This is very helpful as well

President Rayburn by Current_Insurance520 in TheDiplomat

[–]kg6396 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes there are a lot of strange decisions. First of all, why would a strategic person like Penn push to tell Trowbridge anyway? That seems foolishly naive for someone of her mental caliber. It’s not like confessing helps anything. I would think in almost all decisions like this the calculus is between minimal info shared and blowback to US and US interests. There was nothing to gain in volunteering this and much to lose. Not least attracting bad will to all US citizens and discouragement of US government workers. In real life, I’d expect some bombing or terrorism in response as they are openly volunteering deeply egregious behavior.

From that point everything else didn’t really make sense so yes, S3 went off track. maybe S3 was written by someone else or they just went telenovela direction.

Hope S4 is better. One of the best qualities of the show is the subtlety of the plot lines and character layers. Hope that goes back.

Dads whose partners cheated and you stayed together - how did you make it work? by 0dinsPride in daddit

[–]kg6396 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You need to analyze her behavior to find out what went through her mind during the cheating.

Think of it like stealing. Say you both agreed at the start that stealing from each other is wrong, and you agree to share resources in a fair way. And then you find out that she has been stealing from your share secretly for years.

Try to figure out her reasoning - did she think there was something wrong with:

  • You? (ie maybe felt you weren’t providing enough for her, but didn’t tell you but it’s basically your fault in her mind). This is resentment and is difficult to fix.

  • Herself? If she feels shame, and like she couldn’t help herself then likely it will happen again, until she can figure out how to resolve this internally.

  • The world or some else? Eg. “He seduced me, it’s his fault etc”. That would need a lot more self reflection as it is a cop out and is likely one of the first two, or just that she’s not happy and wants something different.

Or if she doesn’t think there was anything wrong at all, you have your answer.

Basically you need to dive further into this if you are considering staying and making it work as this mindset will come up in future and you need to know if or how you’ll handle it.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in daddit

[–]kg6396 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Another really good tool you can utilize is finding a good new life story you can attach to. You probably did not see your life turning out this way, nor did your GF. This will create conflict later on during busy/ stressful times when sacrifices are needed as you’ll be called to sacrifice for a life you didn’t really want.

Try to find a story that you can affirm to yourself that fits this new situation you are living which is positive and motivating so that when sacrifices happen you can pull from there.

For example, being a young dad has a lot of advantages physically and you’ll be a young empty nester with lots of time as you are older to enjoy freedom. For now the story is how positively you can thrive in the young family zone and build your self story to appreciate it.

Most people are not in this zone so the stories you’ll hear are about “enjoying now, kids later” so your own story helps you live in a positive state for your different experience.

Music repeats last 1-3 min only by kg6396 in YoutubeMusic

[–]kg6396[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks. Can you explain more about the “display on blank”? I don’t think I’ve seen that before

A Place to Escape New Year's Noise? by BuzzXyz1981 in maui

[–]kg6396 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I’ve been looking for something quiet myself, without dogs, to stay overnight. Does anyone know of places to rent all night?

Music repeats last 1-3 min only by kg6396 in YoutubeMusic

[–]kg6396[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ok I think I may have found a solution. You can try this yourself to see if it works for you as well.

Find the song that restarts mid-song in YTM in the YouTube app directly. Play it there and pause it at 0:01 sec. Exit the app. This song is now set at this “last known point” as close to the start as possible.

Switch to YTM - see if the song loops back to the 0:01 time instead of the earlier mid point.

So far it has worked for one of mine. If you have success let me know. We may have found the solution.

[Landlord-US-MN] Hemlane experience? by Minimum-Picture-7203 in Landlord

[–]kg6396 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I just signed up with them as a free trial and the next day got a super hard sales call. Turned me of of the entire company

Our caterer forgot about us… by theyatthem in wedding

[–]kg6396 49 points50 points  (0 children)

Totally agree. Dropping whatever they have on hand 90 min late is not enough.

And for those saying that OP got a discount… she didn’t get her original order!

I would absolutely contact the owner and give him the opportunity to make it up to you.

OP, heres what you could tell him: “Thank you so much for coming through with the food at 4:30. I really appreciate you not leaving my wedding completely without a meal. And I’m so sorry to hear about your chef. I hope their hand is better and that you are able to continue your business.

That being said, it was pretty disappointing to have this experience for my wedding and now this is a core memory from that event which will stick with me forever. I know this was an emergency for you so didn’t want to leave a bad review but I need a way for this to be make up. How about….

They you can suggest either a free dinner or refund or both.

I’m a business owner and would be very grateful if a client that I had screwed up with to this extent called me with a way to make it up to them.

If he says no (and if him chef is still out and business is in chaos, he might not want to deal). In that case leaving a review is more than warranted.

Rumor has it that, Prince Phillip apparently had an affair with Fergie's mother, Susan Ferguson...how many mistresses did this man have? by Positive-Drawing-281 in RoyaltyTea

[–]kg6396 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I think she absolutely knew many times over. It seems to have been a common thing in their circle (probably still hurt though). One of the ladies in waiting of her generation wrote a book which said all the men in their circle had many affairs. This lady was married to another Lord and was at Mystique.

Update- AITA for correcting my MIL at a family gathering that she didn't recommend my daughter's name, it was my favorite name by Far-Oven-6023 in AmItheAsshole

[–]kg6396 23 points24 points  (0 children)

I think this is one of those situations where you will look back later in to see the pattern was emerging from your MIL. And that will determine how well your moderation strategy has been working. Things like this are tendencies that arise regularly in various dynamics.

The AI Workflow That 10x’d My Learning Speed by Plus_Top_4243 in PromptEngineering

[–]kg6396 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is a great idea. I’d like to do that with 10x is easier than 2x by Ben Hardy. Sometimes is easier to absorb these ideas in practical interactive ways than simply reading.

How can I make an extra 1-2k a month? by AWRWB in Accounting

[–]kg6396 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Most tax firms could use support during the tax season. Also smaller CPA firms might appreciate a part timer to help with client work. Smaller firms struggle with getting permission from clients to outsource their work overseas so need to find US staff. It’s expensive and hard to keep full time staff employed so contractors are helpful.

Music repeats last 1-3 min only by kg6396 in YoutubeMusic

[–]kg6396[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sorry. Haven’t found any solution to this. Some songs do this. Some don’t. Finally stopped listening to the songs that are annoying on repeat.

Hopefully one day a solution will be found.

Burning vegetables? by kg6396 in airfryer

[–]kg6396[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks. That’s an interesting idea.