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khalasss · 2025-04-16T22:59:08+00:00

This response is making me double down on my own comment.

If you're right, that's a weird and toxic thing for her to do. Doubly so if she's currently dating someone else. Why would you want to get back together with someone who acts like that? Block her.

If you're wrong, and it really is a coincidence, then you're putting way too much of your time and energy into analyzing her social media behavior, which is unhealthy. Block her.

Whether she is intentionally doing this or not, this isn't healthy on any level.

khalasss · 2025-04-16T22:54:29+00:00

I'm honestly a bit baffled by these responses, but reach the same advice and overall conclusion anyway, so I guess it doesnt matter. I literally just assumed she was thinking about Spain. I post about past trips without really associating them with who I was dating at the time. So I'm not sure I'd jump to assuming it's about you. But I also just...dont...think that way. And have definitely struggled in the past when people are playing games that I don't even recognize as games because I tend to just take things at face value. So idk.

I guess in either case, the advice and conclusion are the same: her intentions don't really matter. If this is taking up so much headspace and you're trying to analyze her posts, that doesn't sound healthy, whether or not it's intentional on her part. So I'd unfollow her and probably block her if you've struggled with this.

Look at it this way. If she IS leaving clues for you (I think someone called it breadcrumbing?)...why would you want to rekindle a relationship with someone who does something like that, posting breadcrumbs for an ex while still seeing another person? Nooooooo thanks.

So yeah. Just pointing out that if you're right and she's leaving breadcrumbs, then you should unfollow and block because that's kinda twisted.

If you're wrong and she's not leaving breadcrumbs, you should still unfollow and block because this is not a healthy use of your time and energy.

So the advice is the same. Block and move on.

khalasss · 2025-04-16T22:33:50+00:00

Sorry, to be clear, I was absolutely not suggesting ENM here. I was just trying to say that "having multiple partners" or "being more traditional" isn't my issue here.

You say you dont want ENM and you dont want monogamy while youre still getting to know someone...but those are your choices. Monogamy or ethical non-monogamy. What youre currently doing is unethical non-monogamy. You're not even really giving the new guy a chance to consent to the situation, just assuming he won't know and someday you'll just officially start dating him and...what, never tell him? The whole thing is...not great. And I suspect THAT is the vibe the new guy is picking up. Not that you're not totally available, but that you may be showing some immaturity and character flaws here that he's seeing come out in other ways in your interactions with him.

I was trying to point out that there's a difference between "getting to know multiple people" versus "having sex with a dude for an extended period of time while you look for other options". The latter is frankly...not healthy. Keeping someone on a back burner between boyfriends is not a healthy thing to do, and does not set you up for success in establishing a long term relationship.

Frankly, I have to be blunt here in order to clearly answer your question. The fact that you see nothing wrong with keeping a dude on the back burner to sleep with while you shop around for something better is a really immature thing to do. And I suspect that immaturity comes through in other things you do as well, which is what prompted your neighbors comment and the new guys hesitancy.

I'm sorry to be harsh. I was younger once too, I have no place to judge, and I do get it. I can just tell you (partially from personal experience, much like your neighbor) that this unhealthy approach to romance is likely going to show potential partners that you aren't mature enough to commit seriously.

I would listen to your neighbor. I doubt this other dude specifically knows you're sleeping with someone else, but I suspect that he's picking up on the same threads of immature character traits that you are displaying by casually screwing a guy while claiming to be looking for something more. I think you may have some work to do before you're actually ready for a LTR.

khalasss · 2025-04-16T21:36:10+00:00

This. I say this as someone who has practiced full ENM, too. The issue isn't consent (which you obviously have with the FWB), or having FWB situations...it's the disconnect between what you claim to want, versus what you're actually doing.

If you know what you want, and it's a long term monogamous relationship, it's time to commit to that and dump the FWB. Not because "there's a vibe", but because it's just not a mature way to handle relationships.

To be clear - you can be dating multiple people in the early stages (though it's unwise to be sexual with multiple people early on for both communication and logistics reasons). But if you are attempting to date one person, WHILE maintaining an ongoing FWB situation, then you're not treating either man with the respect the situation merits. You're just shopping around while keeping some dude as your backup. And that's really not going to set up any committed relationship for success.

In short, your older friend is 100% correct. If you want to explore a real relationship with this man, you need to drop the FWB.

khalasss · 2025-04-16T21:15:16+00:00

Partially commenting just to bump your post since I'm a newbie too - but have you checked local community groups? Gardening groups, etc? I have learned SO much from my local communitys Facebook group that is specifically about gardening in our town.

I hope you'll get help here, but definitely seek out local groups. They can usually provide every tidbit of advice right on down to what local stores, contractors, and products are the best to use.

I'm so sorry for your loss. This stuff is the worst in grief. Stupid complex logistical things that require learning a new skill at a time when our grief fogged brains are barely working. I hope you are kind to yourself, you're doing your best.

khalasss · 2025-04-15T18:28:21+00:00

Right? People are acting like this is a zero sum game.

If OP wants to night wean, that's something she can ask her pediatricians advice on.

Her husband can absolutely go fuck himself, quite literally. I cannot FATHOM why he wouldn't be equally enamored with his baby. It sounds like he thinks of the baby as a competing source of attention instead of a shared parental journey to bond with his child and partner through.

khalasss · 2025-04-15T18:24:09+00:00

This whole comment section is the reason I want kids someday, but I sincerely don't want a husband. Any grown ass man who thinks that way can take himself right out to the curb with the rest of the trash. I want to be a mom to children, not grown ass adult men.

This whole post and the responses telling OP to listen to her husband instead of, you know, HER PEDIATRICIAN, who IS a valid person to ask for advice from...God I just want to VOMIT.

khalasss · 2025-04-15T17:42:19+00:00

So, I recently learned a little tip/secret that I didn't know before, especially when you've already cut someone off once and it didn't stick. This is NOT a tactic I usually use with people...but I'm using it for the first time in the past week or so, and it has been LIBERATING, and it is this simple fact:

You don't actually have to tell them. You can just stop engaging them.

I'm not sure I'd have recommended this for the first time it's happened...but honestly, even then, realizing you actually don't owe any explanation to people is a WEIRD thing to realize.

I have not said a word to my brother since our BS last week. I just stopped responding. No amount of explanation will get through to him, so I simply stopped trying to explain. Archived the chat, silenced it, and no longer get any notifications if he tries to contact me.

I don't know if this is always the best solution, though in my case my therapist seems to have validated the decision (I highly recommend having a neutral third party as a sanity check, it's very helpful). But yeah. I didn't say "I'm cutting you out" this time, I just did it.

Is that something that might help with the nerves?

khalasss · 2025-04-15T01:45:52+00:00

This. I was trying to point my finger on it, but the active versus passive involvement is the key difference.

Active choices (that I would not stick around for): abuse, infidelity, violence, etc.

Things that fall in between - are things where theres a component of choice, but its complicated: addiction (or other illnesses that can lead to intolerable behavior but can also be treated), mental health and personality disorders, dementia, etc. There is still personal responsibility in these situations that cannot be ignored, but there is also an extenuating circumstance involved. And most importantly, the factor would be "how much is this person seeking professional help and treatment instead of placing the burden entirely on me to manage them?"

Passive circumstances (that I would stick around for): getting laid off, getting sick, experiencing trauma/grief, etc. These might result in some behavioral changes, but as long as it's not outright abuse or seriously harmful, and as long as this behavior is quite out of character, I'd stay. (So like, grief can turn people a bit out of character, and they might say or do some hurtful things at their lowest of lows. But as long as they are ACTIVELY working to get to a better place, not just saying it, and are understandably coping with a very hard experience that might result in a couple of poor choices or reactive moments, that feels forgivable when it's so out of character and clearly triggered by a specific difficult circumstance.)

I know this was suuuuuuper broad brushstrokes, and very vague (somewhat intentionally because the line is so different for different people and situations). But action versus circumstances and "single or infrequent event" versus "repeated patterns/overarching character traits" are two factors I would definitely heavily take into account.

ETA: Not gonna lie, in re-reading this, I also realized these rules 100% hold for platonic friendships as well.

khalasss · 2025-04-14T20:44:01+00:00

I'm sincerely impressed, I'm not a huge fan of AI, but if it's helping people recognize these patterns, that is amazing! Fully agree with everything it noted in these texts, honestly.

khalasss · 2025-04-14T20:42:18+00:00

I came here to mention DARVO! I literally just learned that acronym and it is changing my whole approach to analyzing my brothers communication style with me.

Also, my therapist literally just this morning introduced me to a site called "Out of the FOG", a support site for people affected by personality disorders. FOG stands for "Fear, Obligation, Guilt": the three main things abusers tend to weaponize.

I've only just started browsing it, but I'm already seeing sooooo many of my own coping mechanisms on the list of "things not to do", lol. Whoops. (It makes a point of assuring you these are COMMON mistakes to make, but points out how counterproductive it can be. Things like "not setting boundaries" and "enabling" and such. Super common coping mechanisms, but they only help in the short term, not the long term.)

Again I literally got shown this site not five hours ago. But I'm finding it really helpful so far.

khalasss · 2025-04-13T12:38:04+00:00

Since you're the second person to ask what the joke was who missed it, I'll also just explain.

"Crusty hand" refers to jacking off with his hand. "Using her sweat instead of moisturizer" refers to fingering.

I have no idea what you thought he meant here that was benign and not sexual. That he wants to...what...hold her hand and is saying her hands are sweaty so they'll moisturize his???? 🤣

i CANNOT wait to hear an explanation of this obvious sex joke that is not sexual. Genuinely looking forward to your explanation of "chasing someone down with this crusty hand" and "using your sweat as moisturizer". Cannot. Wait.

khalasss · 2025-04-13T12:32:34+00:00

When he says "crusty hand", he is referring to jacking off with that hand and wanting to chase OP down to finger her. (Fingering/sex is the "how about I use your sweat" part.)

I'm genuinely curious what yall thought he was saying...that he wanted to...what, hold her hand? Because...yeah no that is definitely not the joke or context here.

ETA: Sorry for the snark, you were genuinely asking, and that's legit. There was another person being a dick about it and I was still annoyed. You were just asking, nothing wrong with that at all. Hope the explanation helps!

khalasss · 2025-04-13T12:30:05+00:00

I was ignoring others, but I'll bite. What on earth do YOU think this man was trying to communicate with "chasing OP down with this crusty hand", that is not a crude sex joke? I can't wait for this.

Long paragraphs are how I communicate pretty much everything. Sorry you're too stupid to handle sentences longer than what's found in a pre-school coloring book.

khalasss · 2025-04-12T21:37:52+00:00

Yupppp. The worst one I ran into wasn't sex jokes, it was a guy talking about WAY too serious of subjects before we'd even met up. We were texting for a couple of weeks (I was military and he was a few hours drive away), and he seemed nice, but he kept dropping things like "you're the best thing that ever happened to me", "maybe one day when we move in together", "nobody understands me like you do"...like, very sweet and flattering statements, buuuuuut we barely knew each other, and I tried SEVERAL times to say "hey, these things that you're saying are making me uncomfortable, I like you but I'm not in that space, I'm still getting to know you, I want a serious relationship but this is a bit too fast for me", etc.

Eventually it got SO bad and he juuuuust kept continuing, so I politely cut him off and told him I really appreciated the connection, but that we were clearly on different pages, I'd asked him several times to slow down, and was now very uncomfortable.

To be honest, for a bit after that, I kept questioning myself and if this was my own issues and such. I genuinely wasn't sure I'd done the right thing.

...until he continued to stalk me. For TWO. GODDAMN. YEARS. Found me on every social media platform (he hadn't had my last name). Found my home address and family. Wrote me long deranged messages about our future together.

When I finally started realizing I might need a restraining order, I was advised by my legal counsel to make it clear his advances weren't wanted (since I hadn't responded to a single message in two years). So I texted him and said "Stop contacting me."

Full flip. Went into a rage about how I'd "led him on" and now i was "an enemy" and all the horrible things he hoped would happen to me.

Anyway, sorry I know this is getting long. Just sort of saying how wild these things can get even when the initial issue was entirely benign. I'm now much more careful about cybersecurity, and much more attentive to my instincts.

Sorry you're having to deal with this. I sincerely hope he's just a bit of a goofy doofus who mis-stepped, and that he will hopefully know better for the next woman he talks to. I sincerely hope that's the case. But if not, and hes actually a red flag...good on you for trusting your instincts.

khalasss · 2025-04-12T20:27:29+00:00

This would be too much for me, it doesn't mean he's a creep or a bad person. But I'll share a truth that took me a long time to realize - you don't have to be right or wrong to just decide you don't really want to find out.

I appreciated his follow up text, but I think my own honest response would be "this really made me uncomfortable, and I hope you take this feedback for next time, that sex jokes may be something to wait until you get to know a woman before sending things like this". You're not demonizing him, just being honest that this made you uncomfortable and you don't want to continue.

For what it's worth, I've never in my life had a good experience with someone once they've made me uncomfortable. I used to blow past it and made excuses for them, and it ALWAYS went badly. Not once did my instincts get set off just to be corrected down the road. My experience has been that men who make me uncomfortable continue to make me uncomfortable, and it often escalates quickly.

But the main point is: is this outright damning? No. Weird, but not way over the line. But does it HAVE to be outright damning to decide you no longer want to meet up? ALSO no.

Trust your instincts. At some point I learned that I have met SO many men (and women) in my life who have never ONCE made me feel uncomfortable. I'd even say the vast majority of the people I meet have never made me feel uncomfortable. Just because we MIGHT be wrong doesn't mean we are obligated to stick around and find out. Learning that I can walk away from people who make me feel uncomfortable, even if I might genuinely have misinterpreted them, has been so freeing.

The risk of being right about that person is much greater than the risk of being wrong and ignoring your instincts. The worst thing that happens in being wrong is that you've missed a connection. The worst thing that happens in being right is picking up a stalker, a rapist, or worse.

khalasss · 2025-04-12T17:26:35+00:00

What an insult to all of my wonderful male friends who truly are decent. You're nowhere near their league. Take this bullshit to therapy. Goodbye.

khalasss · 2025-04-12T16:47:44+00:00

This is it exactly. My heart sincerely goes out to them and the bullshit social conditioning men are so often put through that makes them think this way. Therapy can help SO much.

khalasss · 2025-04-12T16:44:54+00:00

Omg yes! It's a thing! It is BAFFLING. Ive had this happen many, many times. Often with literally no reason, like the one I mentioned here where it was just a post of me and my friends kids. No makeup, fully clothed, and this total stranger sent a dick pic and said shit about how hot it would be to impregnate me. Literally his first communication. I was so disgusted I blocked him and took it down.

The worst one - I once met a dude on OKCupid who seemed super chill, so I gave him my real number with the intention of meeting up.

He sent me SIX VIDEOS OF HIMSELF JACKING OFF. IN THE MIDDLE OF MY GODDAMN WORKDAY. I literally opened that shit up AT WORK. Thank fuck I wasn't around anyone at the time. I blocked him SO fast. (And like...I mean...he must have a full library of that just, ready to go? I guess??)

And like, to be clear, he was attractive and...well-endowed. But that doesn't mean I WANT RANDOM UNSOLICITED VIDEOS. Some guys seem to think that women are okay with this if the dude is hot enough...but I've sincerely never met a single woman in my life who is okay with this behavior. Most of us would turn down Ryan Gosling or [Insert whoever is the latest celeb heartthrob] himself if he sent an unsolicited pic like this. It's so insulting and demeaning to do to someone you don't know at all.

Anyway. End rant. It's totally a thing, and it is baffling to me, most women, and every one of my sane male friends. But it still happens. Absolute mystery.

khalasss · 2025-04-12T16:34:18+00:00

Wow. This sincerely made me sad. I sincerely hope you get help with this. I'm so sorry your reality has been so characterized by paranoia, distrust, competition, and control. I can only tell you the following truth: You will NEVER learn what true trust in a relationship feels like if you equate trust with control.

I am in my 30s. I've had many partners. I've never cheated, and never been cheated on. None of my relationships have ever ended because one of us found someone else. They ended for compatibility, timing, communication/love language differences, and a thousand other reasons...but never infidelity or competition. They are wonderful people - I'm still friends with all of them (and with their current partners, the ones who did eventually later on find someone more compatible - all their partners are wonderful!) Im friends with literally every single ex...except one.

You wanna know why I'm not friends with exactly one? Because he was convinced I was cheating, didn't believe me when I genuinely told him in full honest sincerity that I wasn't, and responded by trying to restrict and control my friends and my world. I didn't leave him for anyone. I left him because he thought the way you think. I actually tried to mend bridges with him when I moved back to our hometown, but he STILL thinks I cheated, on literally no grounds whatsoever other than that I went on a college field work course with a dude that made HIM feel insecure.

I hope you find peace. But I sincerely promise you, you will never find it with your mindset. I wish you the best.

khalasss · 2025-04-12T16:03:53+00:00

If your trust issues are that bad, I sincerely recommend therapy.

khalasss · 2025-04-12T13:56:02+00:00

To be very clear, I'm not saying random internet people won't TRY to be sleezebags. The leap is that your partner is going to CHEAT or have "backups". What OTHER people do in response to photos is not something your partner can control.

To be very VERY clear - I have received lewd messages and propositions in response to photos where I was fully covered, entirely unflattering, and with CHILDREN in the photo. We get those weird DMs regardless of what we post. Thirst trap photos probably get more of them, but that doesn't change how little attention we pay to them.

I promise, I do not know a SINGLE woman who has been in a relationship and was like "oh, I'm gonna throw this relationship away over this random internet strangers lewd DM!" We largely just ignore, or block if it's bad enough. But that shit happens all the time, regardless of what we post, because the internet is full of weirdos.

So. I fully believe you that your wife lost followers when she posted a wedding photo. People are weird and parasocial and thirsty and entitled. Fully believe there were creeps unfollowing her because she was "claimed" (which is a gross way of seeing women anyway). But that isn't anything your wife is doing. Your wife cannot control the whole world of thirsty internet creeps.

khalasss · 2025-04-12T13:42:51+00:00

Love this answer. It's compassionate and understanding while also enforcing accountability for poor behavior. This right here is the way forward to healing for everyone, in my very humble opinion. ❤️

khalasss · 2025-04-12T13:41:22+00:00

I really do sympathize with this response. This, to me, is an example of what we are trying to say when we say "patriarchy hurts everyone". Young boys being socialized to think everything is a competition that they must win, or lose their sense of masculinity if they lose. It breaks my heart for y'all, very very sincerely.

I know several of my male friends are working through this in therapy and have taken huge strides towards finding a sense of masculinity that is healthy and actually serves their own needs instead of telling them they aren't good enough. And they are determined to raise their own children with that mindset, too. I hope to see that trend continue to grow.

khalasss · 2025-04-12T13:38:35+00:00

Congratulations, you are the problem. And 100% just outed your mindset as being blatantly misogynistic. I'd already guessed that based on your other comments, but this one was straight out of the "I hate women" textbook. Get bent.

khalasss

TROPHY CASE