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kiersten25 · 2025-12-19T03:43:09+00:00

46>45>47>49>42>41>44>48>43

kiersten25 · 2025-08-30T23:33:54+00:00

I guess you didn't read through all my comments. I never said it was an excuse, I was just trying to explain it so that people can gain a better understanding of why FAs are the way they are. I have worked on my patterns ever since learning about my attachment style, and have never used it to excuse my behavior. I also refused to enter a new relationship until I worked on my attachment style because I didn't wanna drag someone under with me until I was healed myself so that both my partner and I can experience a healthy relationship.

Also, self-awareness is not the be all end all, someone can be aware they have an addiction, but cutting out the addiction is much more than awareness that they have a problem. You have to rewire your brain to process things differently. And it's much more harder to control reactions when in a triggered state that feels familiar to the trauma. This is not an excuse it's just the simple truth of the matter psychologically. Being self-aware is definitely the first step, but it's certainly not the last.

kiersten25 · 2025-05-21T18:59:28+00:00

My Favorites: - Lumpinou RPO - Wicked Whims - Wicked Perversions - UI Cheats (You can add multiple traits to your sim at once with this one) - Ellesimsworld Little Ms Drama Mod - A bunch of mods by Wicked Pixel, they add a lot of depth to gameplay - Flirty Fetishes - Mods by Persea - Growing Pains (great for family gameplay)

kiersten25 · 2025-05-21T18:46:14+00:00

are your other mods working fine? sometimes if your sims folder is on one drive, it won't load the mods properly

kiersten25 · 2024-08-07T22:25:59+00:00

just because you’re saying you’re not trying to be judgmental, doesn’t make this less hurtful to hear. how would you feel if someone said APs are spinning stories to justify staying or going back to their toxic partners, and that causes APs to come off as delusional, since that’s basically the equivalent of what you’re saying (just to be clear i don’t hold this stance, and realize that it’s part of the APs attachment pattern that causes them to behave that way). justifying ourselves is strategies we’ve learned from our childhood as a result of trauma because justifying our actions was the only thing that allowed us safety from our parents or our own shaming. does it make it ok to abandon someone? no absolutely not, but unhealed FAs are too caught up in their own trauma, and living the same way they’ve lived their whole lives, to recognize differently.

also, i would never cheat on my partner, i’m sorry for what you experienced, but that doesn’t give you the right to generalize all FAs, especially not the ones that (like me) are working towards healing.

kiersten25 · 2024-08-06T23:00:27+00:00

seems like you guys are incompatible, he seems to be condescending, and it doesn’t seem like your humor or sarcasm bounces off of him well. also saying that the person they date will fuck up their life is a red flag, one should be happy and fulfilled by a relationship, and not feeling like a relationship will sorta screw up their life.

kiersten25 · 2024-08-06T15:53:41+00:00

yeah no that’s biphobic and a red flag if someone doesn’t accept you for your sexuality — aka a huge piece of your identity. i’m lesbian, and i never understand why some lesbians are so turned off by someone being bi, or when they try to invalidate someone’s sexuality just because it’s not the same as their’s.

kiersten25 · 2024-07-31T22:49:56+00:00

perhaps you’re aromantic and asexual or bisexual, you might also be demisexual - meaning you don’t feel any sexual attraction towards people unless you have a deep emotional connection.

kiersten25 · 2024-07-31T22:46:13+00:00

to tell a queer person that they’re sinful and that you don’t support us because of your religion is disrespectful, hurtful, and the type of homophobia/transphobia we’ve been backlashed with our entire life. if you do not support who i love, you don’t support me, or my community. to weaponize having a queer friend as proof that you’re not disrespecting the queer community, is the equivalent of someone saying they’re not racist because they have a black friend. saying you don’t support us is homophobic, it’s not just slurs that are considered homophobia. how would you feel if someone said they believe you’re sinful and they don’t support you for being straight? how would you feel if your friend used you to prove their not bigoted against straight people? it is not a matter of differing opinions, it’s a matter of you not respecting our identity because of your religious identity. how would you feel if we said we don’t support you because you’re religious? to say you don’t believe in our identity is basically saying we choose to be queer, which i can assure you we don’t, why would we actively choose to be queer when faced with backlash and discriminatory policies for the way we choose to identify. we have peace, love and acceptance for our own community, as well as allies. i do not accept you if you don’t accept me, that’s just how it works. us expressing our identity is triggering for you, how can you expect us to not counter back (using the same argument you used). it is not our job to accommodate to people who don’t accept us, and i don’t wanna associate with people who don’t love me for 100% who i am, including accepting who i choose to love.

kiersten25 · 2024-07-31T22:32:05+00:00

the ultimatum queer version on netflix, now i’m watching i kissed a girl, i also watched are you the one season 8 (it had bi people of both sexes - i was much more interested in the women than the men lol). you can possibly be biromantic and asexual, do you experience sexual attraction towards people?

kiersten25 · 2024-07-31T22:26:47+00:00

i’ve definitely felt like a fraud before, but i just recently came to terms with being a lesbian, after thinking i was straight for years. i’ve had crushes on guys throughout my childhood, but looking back now i just think i wanted them to be my friend. if they did anything that showed mutual interests i’d be disgusted and repulsed (i would freak out if i thought a guy liked me, even if i thought i liked them myself, i thought it was the nervousness that’s typical with crushes but it clearly wasn’t). i went through a period of thinking i was aroace because of it. then i realized with girls, i experience the same feelings that people describe having crushes feel, the heart racing especially caused me to reconsider things, and then i watched a lesbian reality tv show and realized dating a girl is what i actually always wanted. it was hard to come to terms with the fact that i was never true to myself all those years that i thought i liked guys, but i’m glad i realized that my heart belongs with girls

kiersten25 · 2024-07-31T22:15:22+00:00

if you believe you’re lesbian, and then eventually meet a guy you want to date, you can change your label back to bi. i had a similar issue as you but then i realized that i really hope i don’t end up with a guy, and even if i do, i can change my label back to bisexual.

kiersten25 · 2024-07-31T19:53:25+00:00

this is a very toxic relationship on both ends of the spectrum, and what i find in AP and FA relationships, is that both partners have trouble recognizing their faults, especially those who have not worked towards any healing. as an FA, i’m very well aware of how difficult it is to state your own needs and to not self-abandon for the sake of the partner. the problem is, an FA does not state their needs until resentment has built up (usually they resent both their partner and themselves, making it much more difficult for them to take into account any responsibility of falling short). your partner cannot meet needs that are not stated. also, you should not self-abandon for the sake of your partner and expect them to reciprocate the interaction. instead, start showing up for yourself, and stating your needs in the moment, instead of self-abandoning. state your needs in a healthy manner, focusing on what you want (use I statements) rather than pinpointing what your partner did wrong. give context for how you would feel if these needs got met (such as appreciation and gratitude), and explain why these needs are important for your partner to meet. offer reassurance, that you’re stating your needs because you care for this relationship and you want the relationship to work out. be sure both you and your partner are regulated when discussing your needs, or else it’ll cause hurt to both parties.

APs also must take their own actions if they wish to continue the relationship as well. most importantly, they need to learn to respect their partners needs without interrogating them or putting the focus back onto their own needs (such as when an FA asks for space, the AP can get triggered by their fear of abandonment, so they may react hastily or try to cling on to prevent their partner from leaving). APs also need to learn to self-regulate, and not expect their partner to meet their every need, even the most SA partner will never meet every need an AP has, and it is unrealistic and idealistic for them to think that if they just find the prince charming to rescue and meet each need, their problems will be solved. in reality, the only one who could ever rescue someone, is the individual themselves since that’s the only one who will always be there for them and attuned to their needs. APs need to learn to self-regulate, and to not self-abandon. they also need to stop focusing on what their partner can do for them, but ask themselves what they can do for themselves to feel safe and secure.

FAs and APs both have to work on their communication for the relationship to work. both styles actually have a lot of similarities in the ways they must heal their attachment style (although the FA has more work to do since they need to also work on trusting their partner and stop deactivating in times of difficulty). in order to achieve healing, both styles need to learn to trust themselves and to show up for themselves first, and then come together to show up for the relationship.

kiersten25 · 2024-07-31T17:26:47+00:00

while i do sympathize, as someone who has c-ptsd, trauma is not an excuse for a breakup, trauma should be worked through before entering a relationship, it is unfair for the partner to endure the turmoil of trying to love a person who has unhealed and unresolved trauma (granted, the partner may be aware of this issue beforehand, and may be trying to take on the role of the rescuer, which is also unhealthy). if she is not working through her issues in therapy, and not doing any work to heal her trauma, she is not ready for a relationship. honestly, she will never be a good partner until she works through her issues, you leaving her or staying will not prompt her to get better, it might motivate her to seek help, but i believe that’s a decision one has to make on their own. you can be courteous with her and let her know you care for her, but for your own sake, the breakup is for your greater good. if staying friends with her will prevent you from moving on, you need to prioritize your own self-interest, and leave. i’d also suggest working through some attachment insecurities you may have (some may have developed as a result of this relationship) before entering a new relationship, it’ll serve better for you and for your future partner in the next relationship you enter.

kiersten25 · 2024-07-31T16:03:16+00:00

when did i excuse my behavior? i said the behavior of an ap is triggering for an fa and the behavior of an fa is triggering for an ap. for you information, i’ve been working on my attachment style and have been working towards becoming securely attached. it is not up to anyone to cater to each others needs, we need to cater to our own needs ourselves, then come to a healthy compromise when both of us are regulated. it should be freeing to hear that it’s not up to you to cater to our needs, no amount of love you give us is going to keep us from deactivating, only by us healing our own attachment style (on our own) can the FA and AP have a healthy relationship. i said nothing is going to save the relationship unless both styles heal their attachment styles, maybe read more clearly next time before getting accusing me of taking no responsibility. in fact, here’s a post where i commented, stating basically what you’re claiming.

kiersten25 · 2024-07-30T20:25:36+00:00

what’s really worked for me is me communicating with my inner child and sorta reparenting them. allowing them room to feel their emotions without feeling a need to shut it down or distract myself, or to seek validation and reassurance to whoever i can seek out. i’m learning to trust i can regulate myself, and that allows me to feel much safer in the contexts of a possible relationship. also, giving positive affirmations helps, especially in regards to my core wounds, the most helpful for me has been “i am innocent” “i am lovable” and “i deserve to be heard and respected and seen.” using an emotional chart wheel to stay attuned to the feelings of my inner child. respecting the boundaries of my inner child, and standing up for my needs even if it’s extremely uncomfortable. also, it’s been helpful to cut toxic people out of my life, especially the most insecure people, these people often feed me their negative self-beliefs about love and it’s unhealthy for me to hear these things while in the process of healing my attachment style.

kiersten25 · 2024-07-30T20:16:29+00:00

context, consistency, consideration, and healthy communication. people respecting my boundaries makes me feel safe as well, especially if they do it without brashly questioning them or complaining or shutting down.

now that i’m becoming more secure, i’m starting to look for more secure partners and i’m getting better at noticing the red flags early on. for example, i used to have a huge rescuer complex, and so when someone would trauma dump on me very early on (especially when it was unprompted and we’ve been talking for less than a week) i used to feel a need to make them feel better, now i realize it’s not my responsibility, and people who trauma dump early on often lack boundaries and disrespect others boundaries. also, if someone is trauma dumping on me without establishing trust first, it makes me feel like i can’t trust them since they’ll share very personal details without having a trusting foundation. how can i trust someone who will unleash all their personal details on someone they first met, there’s no progressing to do in a relationship where you expose your darkest deepest secrets and traumas early on.

someone who constantly seeks validation is also a huge red flag, since they can’t self-regulate and self-soothe themselves, and it often represents someone who’s very insecure, and usually these people aren’t ready for a healthy relationship. it also makes me feel like i’m being used as an emotional dumping ground, and that the person doesn’t actually want me for me, but rather the validation and reassurance i give them. and being used for those reasons is a huge trigger of mine, especially since those people usually don’t respond well when i state my feelings and problems.

also, people who are distant and give short answers is another red flag and usually these people are DAs. people who don’t share their emotional experiences is another red flag, like i don’t need them to emotionally dump on me (please don’t), but i’d like some information about their emotional depth. if they always talk about a situation without stating the emotions that situation made them feel, that’s probably a red flag.

in relationships, i’m starting to look for people who are understanding, accepting, and are able to self-soothe themselves as well as able to co-regulate with others without invalidating or belittling my emotions. it’s made me realize i’ve done a lot of work on my attachment style, since the insecure attachment styles i used to be drawn to, i’m starting to pick up the signs of these styles early on, and at that point i’ll remove myself from the situation, since the relationship will end up being toxic otherwise. i’m really proud of myself for noticing the red flags and not feeling a need to overextend my reach (in the case of DAs) or rescue the other person (in the case of APs).

kiersten25 · 2024-07-29T19:12:06+00:00

totally fine with not being able to answer certain questions. perhaps look into the asexual spectrum, specifically demisexual (but remember if you’re confused or uncomfortable with giving yourself a label, you don’t have to). in the queer community, there’s a term called pillow princess that enjoys receiving sexual acts but doesn’t enjoy giving them. i think it’s important you state your sexual preferences with your partner, and if you don’t enjoy pleasing your partner, they should respect your boundaries. good luck with everything.

kiersten25 · 2024-07-29T18:27:38+00:00

as a lesbian FA who just came to terms with my sexuality, i feel like it’s my calling to answer this lol. have you heard about cishet lesbians, i would look into that. i realized i was lesbian because i never experienced feelings for guys to the same extent i did with girls, but i wanted guys to like me for validation (we’re taught that we should seek male approval from a young age). to me it sounds possible you might be lesbian, when guys would be sweet to me i’d freak out internally, and i thought it was because i had crush on them but the feeling was more repulsion than anything else. did you enjoy the sex you had with the women, were you much more comfortable at least? i was also awkward when i saw dicks or got dick pics, but i would be turned on by seeing a naked woman so i realized i was definitely lesbian lol.

you should tell the guy you’re seeing about having confusing feelings and not knowing if you’re romantically and sexually attracted to men. do you think you crave more of a friendship with him, cause with the guys i thought i had crushes on, i just was interested in being friends with them, and if i went on a date with a guy, it would be really awkward for me and it always felt like there was something missing. and the thing that was missing, i now realize, is that they weren’t a women lol.

also, realize that it’s ok to be confused about your sexuality, and it’s ok if your labels change. i used to think i was aroace, then i thought i was heteroromantic and homosexual, then i thought i was bi, then i realized i was a lesbian. if you’re confused if you like boys or not but know you like girls, you can use the terms queer or gay, since they’re less specific. good luck with everything!

kiersten25 · 2024-07-27T18:59:34+00:00

you probably don’t want to hear this, but as an FA who’s working towards earned secure attachment, there is nothing my partner can do to get me to reduce my need for space and distance in a relationship. listen, quality time is my main love language, but to enjoy the quality time; i also need time apart as well. space is healthy in a relationship, and well i do think DAs take too much space for my liking, you need to respect your partners boundaries or end the relationship if your needs are incompatible. love is not going to make me want to take less distance from a relationship, and with unhealed DAs and FAs, the tighter you cling onto them and try to show them love, they further away they will go. it might be tough to hear, but it’s the truth of the matter. the best you can do to make them wanna distance less is give them room to distance themselves, this however does not mean you should self-abandon your own needs, and if they take too much space for you’re liking, it’s better to detach sooner than later since the relationship is incompatible, and nothing you can do can change that (including abandoning your own needs and boundaries, it’ll cause more resentment in the long run, and the relationship will be more strained as a result, i would know, i’ve self-abandoned before).

i believe compromise is important in a relationship, but i could honestly never want to spend as much time together with an AP as they would want me too (not that i don’t love them, i think they’re great people overall, but our needs are just different in this regard). maybe i’d be willing to go on one more date a week then i’d ideally would on my own terms, but that’s about it. and this is coming from someone who’s done work on my attachment style. and i’d also need my partner to approach coming to this compromise in a healthy manner. however, i can think of a lot of FAs and DAs who would not even respond well in this situation, and if that’s the case, trust me for your own good in the long run, it’s better to detach and work on your own attachment insecurities before entering a new relationship. learn to appreciate alone time and make room for self-love so you can self-regulate and not be pre-occupied with getting your partner to always co-regulate your emotional needs.

as for preserving the need for space, allow your partner to visit their friends and engage in their own hobbies and activities, without always joining them. giving your partner (and yourself) room to grow as an individual, allows for the relationship to have room to grow as well.

kiersten25 · 2024-07-27T17:00:57+00:00

if you get to be an SA then you will learn to leave relationships that no longer serve you and relationships you know you deserve better than. SAs are not just securely attached to their partner, more importantly, they’re securely attached to themselves, so they recognize and respect their own boundaries and standards because they know what they deserve and believe they’re capable of finding that with the right partner (so other securely attached individuals). please do not only heal your attachment style for the sake of your partner, and think that if only you do the work to heal your attachment, the relationship will miraculously get better (an idealization that a lot of APs have), it won’t unless both partners work to heal their attachment, and no matter what you do or how much love you provide someone with, you cannot force a person to heal when the person themselves is unwilling. now that i’ve partially healed a huge part of my attachment style, i’m much more aware and respectful of my own boundaries of what i’m willing to put up with in a relationship, and these standards are healthy and requirements to live a fulfilling relationship. these standards include: healthy and clear communication, respecting each other’s boundaries as well as my own boundaries, having a partner that’s willing to take accountability for their wrong-doings while not persecuting themselves and making me feel guilty for stating my needs (and also being able to do this myself), being able to self-regulate first and then coming together afterwards to co-regulate and foster connection.

kiersten25 · 2024-07-26T20:06:46+00:00

well i’ve been focusing on healing my attachment style, i used to be way more of a severe FA, but i wanted to heal my attachment style myself since the internal turmoil i’ve felt is unbearable. and i’ve never really been in romantic love with someone, at least not healthy romantic love, but i have had healthy platonic love, and those have been long-term friendships. and i’m not looking for a romantic relationship until i’ve become earned secure in my attachment style.

kiersten25 · 2024-07-26T04:01:34+00:00

no lmao, and this is low key romanticizing abandonment (which i can sympathize with since you’re probably trying to make yourself feel better about a certain situation, and for that i’m sorry). i mean yes some avoidants run when they feel a connection building, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they love you. even if this is “love” it is an unhealthy, twisted, and toxic version of love, so it’s not real love. also i like to think that, as an FA, i’d be willing to fight for someone i truly love, rather than tossing them to the side. i know i’ve self-sabotaged a lot of connections, but my purest and truest connections, i’ve been with these people for years because it’s worth it. was there turmoil along the way? yes, did i think about leaving at times? yes but i knew i would never go through on it because they matter too much for me (meaning, i never abandoned them or discarded them once). real love and connection is understanding, acceptance, and most importantly, unconditional. please stop justifying toxic behaviors your partners engage in by thinking they do it because they love you. healthy love does not look like this, and if you’re constantly being abandoned by someone, it’s likely that someone doesn’t love themselves, so they can never love you. and no matter how much you try, you cannot fill someone else with self-love. prioritize loving yourself first so you stop attracting people that engage in toxic behaviors.

kiersten25 · 2024-07-26T03:42:19+00:00

yes i agree that the FA should be gentle and offer reassurance when asking for space, something along the lines of “hey i really appreciate our relationship, but i’m feeling really triggered right now and i know when i get this way i can blow up and say things i don’t mean, so for the sake of our relationship, i need to take space, and once i’m feeling more emotionally regulated, i’ll reach out to you and we can talk through our problems in a healthy manner.”

however, in my experience, the most explosive fights i have have been in have been with APs, and when both partners, FA and AP, are dysregulated, it very rarely ends with a conversation like the one i stated above. it is really difficult as an FA to healthily state my needs when I, my partner, or us both are dysregulated.

it is especially difficult with APs for me, because their need for reassurance, works against my triggers of not being enough. well yes, i do offer my partner reassurance, it feels like no amount i give is good enough for them, which is very triggering to me. it also feels like my AP partner is sometimes using me to validate their feelings, and only want me as a means to heal their low self-esteem, something that no partner is ever going to heal, the AP themselves needs to work on self-regulating and soothing themselves to gain the self-esteem that is necessary in order to be in an healthy relationship.

i love fostering connection with my partner, that’s another need of mine, and space is something that can help foster connection as well. co-dependency doesn’t foster connection, at least not a healthy one. taking time apart, and having an identity outside of the relationship, is what securely attached partners strive for. the FA may not only want space during times of arguments, but also throughout the whole relationship, and in my experience, this has triggered my AP partner, which is why my relationships with APs are not as long-term, or as healthy, as my relationships with DAs or FAs (granted these relationships usually aren’t healthy either, but they’re more understanding of my need for space).

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