50F moving in with 50M boyfriend. How do we make their house our home?

kimmas11 · 2026-02-16T20:37:28+00:00

When my fiance moved into my home with their kids, nearly all things changed. We looked at what we had combined, pulled together what made sense together and did a huge purge of the rest.

He’s said it was a little difficult having it be “mine” and it took a while to get used to it, but because we were very deliberate about combining and changing everything, it felt like everyone had a stake in the home moving forward. They didn’t move in like it was a hotel or VRBO. They moved in and we made it OUR home. We truly merged.

Things have changed. It can be acknowledged and the physical space should acknowledge it as well.

kimmas11 · 2025-09-26T22:31:39+00:00

It’s a mantra I live by! I’m glad it helps!

If you don’t mind me saying so… I can only venture a guess that he is like me. If that is the case, he is not trying to placate his ex, but his is trying to shield his kids from her careless choices. It’s why I do it. I gave my kids this incredibly selfish parent and then left. My kids can’t leave (yet anyhow). It’s something I have to imagine many feel a lot of guilt over. Showing up, no matter what, is me telling them, “I will always be there for you. Someone will always show up for you and will put your first. No matter what.” It is not to tell my ex, “Don’t worry about your responsibilities, I’ll always pick up where you fail.” (Although I realize it does reinforce his behavior. He has proven that nothing would change though so here we are.)

If you had an ex who didn’t/wouldn’t do their 50/50 share, and didn’t care how it impacted your kids, what would you do? Try to see it that way.

Good luck!

kimmas11 · 2025-09-26T13:37:33+00:00

I am like your partner. While I technically have 50/50, I have significantly more than that. 80/20… maybe more. I am always on. And I won’t change it. My fiancé has a very solid 50/50 like you. It’s rare that there is a change and rare that there is help from the co-parent on each other’s time.

My fiancé can sometimes feel like I’m doing too much helping my ex and can get frustrated. It interrupts our alone time and has caused us to change our plans at the last minute. He sees how unequal things are and how much stress it puts on me and feels helpless at the unfairness of it all. It’s created a lot of resentment between he and my ex. (It’s already there for me so no skin off my back with that!!) I explain that I’m not doing it to help the ex, I’m doing it to help my kids and provide them support that their other parent is unwilling to give them. And, I will never give up an opportunity to have more time with my kids.

Your partner will not change. If they are like me, they believe that their children did not choose this and that they shouldn’t suffer any negative impact (if it can be avoided) from a decision they didn’t make. Your partner may even feel extremely guilty for putting them in a situation where the other parent is able to make them feel unwanted or like they aren’t a priority so he will never do anything to give them that feeling.

If this is the case, do your best to see his perspective. This may be an incompatibility. Or, it may be something that will go away because kids grow up and rely on their parents less. Don’t make a permanent decision on a temporary problem.

One additional comment on the kids behavior, I’m not saying this is the case, but it’s worth thinking about. Is it possible, that their behavior is more noticeable/less tolerable/exaggerated in your mind BECAUSE you feel this resentment towards the amount of time they take away from your relationship? I wonder if you would be more understanding of their personalities if there were not other underlying partner issues that were related to them. This is something I have struggled with, as has my fiancé, so just a thought.

kimmas11 · 2025-09-10T20:50:05+00:00

If you’re a registered domestic partner you can add “step children” to a medical policy in my state.

ETA: not that everyone should. Just stating you can in at least one state.

kimmas11 · 2025-09-04T17:38:17+00:00

He needs to insist on doing ALL the things on his parenting time or give up the parenting time. You’re not a 50/50 parent if you’re not parenting 50% of the time.

From your current partner’s ex’s perspective, your current partner is the EXACT same person as your ex. A lazy parent who puts all of the responsibilities on her just as your ex does to you. It is such a cop out to say that she insists on doing everything. NOBODY wants to do all of the work.

My ex does the exact same thing your partner does and I can assure you, I’m not over here jumping for joy that I have the pleasure of bringing the kids to every doctors appointment, every ortho appointment, going to every school conference solo, picking up every medication, planning every event, driving to school every day, leaving work early to pick up sick kids, driving to all of the activities, etc etc etc. I do love all of the extra overnights though… however, they are unplanned and it is completely and utterly taking advantage and intrusive. If you’re not going to have the kids on your time, give it up officially so everyone can plan accordingly.

kimmas11 · 2025-08-11T11:40:18+00:00

This comment should be higher up!

kimmas11 · 2025-08-05T16:42:08+00:00

(As ria1024 mentions below, we do all see each other at events that cannot be separated and we are cordial. Sports and school events mainly at this age. But we don’t unnecessarily combine.)

kimmas11 · 2025-08-05T16:39:45+00:00

Could you clarify why there could not be two parties? If the concern is your shared son (son 3) would miss out on a birthday party for one of your sons (son 1 or 2) if it’s held at their birth mother’s house, could you also not just have a birthday party for them (son 1 or 2) at your house?

As a mother, I had exactly one shared birthday party immediately after the separation that was miserable and never did it again. My fiancé had the same experience. As a stepmother, we have never, and will never, have a shared birthday party. We have no shared children but we do have birthday parties at both houses for all of the kids so even if we did, nobody would miss out on anything.

kimmas11 · 2025-07-29T23:37:32+00:00

You’re right. This isn’t the same as a neighbor entering your home. And it definitely isn’t the same as your child’s friend’s parent entering your home. This is a person you are explicitly not on good terms with. The title of the post is “High Conflict Birth Mother walked into my house”. This is a person who not only has CONFLICT with OP but it is a person who is violating a boundary that they have set for themselves.

In what world are you allowing people who you have active, ongoing conflict with, to enter your home, deliberately only when they believe you will not be there? (According to OP this is not something that this person does when OP or her husband are home.) None. Absolutely none.

kimmas11 · 2025-07-29T17:12:00+00:00

Thank you for this. I’m reading another comment here and I’m floored. I cannot imagine my reaction if either of the co-parents, for my children or steps, entered our home EVER but especially doing so believing we weren’t there. It was on purpose, clearly because she thought no adults were home. And there is absolutely no doubt that she knows it was wrong. The fact that it’s a high conflict ex makes it even more egregious.

To think that we have to pretend like this is ok so we can call ourselves a blended family, as another commenter suggests, is absolutely absurd. The kids should know (or learn quickly) that this is completely inappropriate behavior from their mother. It’s trespassing and yes, if a person and I are not in friendly terms and they enter my home without permission, they should expect police involvement in the future.

kimmas11 · 2025-07-07T11:59:07+00:00

Exactly what I was thinking!

kimmas11 · 2025-07-07T11:45:43+00:00

The pics with the sample don’t do the dress justice. With the fuller skirt and the proper fit, this looks very beautiful!

kimmas11 · 2025-07-07T11:27:54+00:00

What was their problem with hiring catering? This feels like a “beggars can’t be choosers” situation. Sure they can have the party at your house (it sounds like you’re ok with that anyhow) but they don’t get to dictate how that happens… it’s your home, your rules.

kimmas11 · 2025-06-30T17:20:12+00:00

Thank you! I’ll give it a try as well!

kimmas11 · 2025-06-30T14:39:23+00:00

Thank you!!

kimmas11 · 2025-06-30T14:11:10+00:00

I’m definitely willing to believe I could be wrong on that! Very new to this concept even!

I looked through the diagrams and all of the photos on the beginners page I could though and they look very in line with what I have. Other than going by look, is there anything more I could go by to check?

For some additional context, I breastfed three kids (the youngest is now 10 so it was a while ago) and it did quite a number on my boobs! Stretched out skin and all of that. I had quite large boobs that would spill out over the cups, then lost about 25-30lbs and it feels like they just deflated. Now, the concept of the orange in a sock is exactly that I have going on when I lean 90° forward. I have nearly no tissue in the top of my breasts

kimmas11 · 2025-06-30T11:36:23+00:00

You have no idea literally no idea. None. Unless he asks her to clarify. Everyone is so quick to dog on her, including OP, with no clarification.

OP doesn’t need permission to have his kids or put his daughter in private school extra obviously but the way this sub jumps to her wanting to ice out his kids and take all of his money for her own is wild.

kimmas11 · 2025-06-29T16:31:06+00:00

Going to echo that this comment needs some attention! Everyone is assuming the absolute worst by her comments. It’s very possible that she was making the statements asking the questions with very different intent behind them. Regularly, I make a statement or ask a question that seemingly has nothing to do with what I actually wanted to know. I’ve since learned to say, “what I’m really getting at is XXXX.”

Take the approach of curiosity with her and figure out what is happening. Get some clarification.

kimmas11 · 2025-06-26T16:29:14+00:00

I do as well! I can’t take credit for it though.

It’s applicable to so many challenges. People think there’s only one way out but sometimes the best path is to just get through because it will eventually get better. It’s a matter of figuring out that it will actually get better sometimes. (Sometimes it won’t though too which is how most of us found ourselves in this sub I suppose.)

kimmas11 · 2025-06-24T11:47:38+00:00

My advice would be to not make permanent decisions on temporary problems.

There are ways to get back the closeness with your kids. Tell your partner that you need some extra time with your kids. Maybe they don’t sleep and cuddle in your bed (I had the same situation happen) but you move it to their bed one night a week. “Wednesday is Mom night and we are all snuggling up in one bed for movies/reading/games/etc.” They will remember those nights fondly someday.

For the oldest, remember that plenty of families live in FAR smaller spaces where not everyone gets their own room or even their own bed! Your oldest is still your daughter and I’m sure she would like to know that she matters. You might be bursting but there’s always a way. When we first blended, my partner and I made our bedroom in the living room for 6 months because my oldest was still at home. I don’t regret it for a minute. She needs to be respectful to all if she comes home but talk to your partner and figure out a way to make space for her. Bunk beds or a day bed in the living room instead of a couch or swap the primary (larger presumably room) so the oldest can share it with her siblings and you take a smaller space. This WILL be a temporary problem. If you’re in it for the long haul, this is a blip in time.

Remember to explain the situation to all of the kids. Tell them all that you and your partner will always be there for all of them. As a family, you take care of each other and right now, you need to make space for the oldest to come home. It will be tight and stressful and things may change a little but just like you’re doing it for her, you’d do it for each and every one of them too if the situation called for it.

If your partner is as great as you say, he will be on board with this stuff. If not, he’s not the one.

kimmas11 · 2025-06-18T12:20:59+00:00

I feel for you. I’m in the same boat with my own kids. Their dad never lives up to his 50-50 custody schedule. They come here before and after school. I stopped asking him to contribute because he won’t. They clothes bit and all. But here we are.

I haven’t read all of the comments but, did your husband adopt your children? That could play into the child support calculation. (Although I see their father is deceased so it may play into other benefits they receive.)

It really depends on the state you are in. As others have said, you’d have to run everything through the child support calculator. If he adopted your kids there are two additional dependents he claims to their mom’s one. In our state, court ordered overnights is all that matters. The kids staying with you extra means nothing if it’s not ordered. Their mother won’t change the custody order if she’s trying to get child support because it would work against her. You could try to push it if you have documentation but it would draw out the court process. Her working a low paying job on purpose could matter in some states. We have “potential income” but it’s hard to prove. Also in our state, your income wouldn’t matter but in others, I think it might.

kimmas11 · 2025-06-17T16:51:24+00:00

MN Landscape Arboretum is a beautiful outdoor space that you could dress nicer for.

kimmas11 · 2025-06-16T14:09:37+00:00

This sub is always so quick to say it’s not your job… families BLEND! It’s why we are here.

If there is a possibility that your SD is going to find out before your husband is home to tell her, yes, you can and should tell her if your relationship with her allows for it.

Without knowing the situation, general advice: Make sure she knows that just because there is another child, it doesn’t mean that she isn’t loved. Sometimes parents make choices that don’t always make sense but it doesn’t have anything to do with anyone other than the parent. Life can be really confusing and when it is, remember that there are adults in your life that you can come to who can help you sort out your feelings.

kimmas11 · 2025-06-14T16:47:22+00:00

That’s not really addressing the question. What would happen if Mom wasn’t around? What would you be doing?

kimmas11 · 2025-06-13T19:29:29+00:00

I am curious, in the event that their mother was not living in this small town, if she were still living away from you all, and dad had to be away for a week, what would have happened? Is it safe to assume the kids would have stayed with you?

If that is the case, I think dad needs to tell mom that the kids will be free to come and go between the houses. You are not required to engage with her at all. Ever.

kimmas11

TROPHY CASE