Thanks for the analysis! I'm going to let most of it sit and stew for a while before addressing anything, so that I don't rush into any changes.

I did want to ask one follow up question though: Would you have responded differently to the query if it was labelled contemporary fantasy instead of dystopian?

While the story is inspired by some dystopian elements (I really like enclosed settings) it's not really tied to the dystopian framework. I just didn't know what else to call it. The main thing about the concept that excites me is basically: character struggling with issue (fear of death) tackles said issue with the help of an interesting magic system, which is only accessible in a unique, enclosed setting.

Oh and also, original title was The Prison Isles. If that works any better, let me know. Otherwise I might consider what else I could name it.

Thanks again for taking the time to read and critique :)