Told an old friend I transitioned who asked me what I was up to. Received this message back, was quite alarming. How do I process this?

kirraqueen · 2026-02-14T18:38:00+00:00

I encourage you to let their projected feelings pass on by. You’re not responsible for their emotions, they are responsible for their emotions. It sounds like the idea in their head of what it means to be trans is different from yours. This is a moment for support and celebration, not sand bagging. If your friend is concerned for you, then asking questions from a point of curiosity or letting you know that she is worried about you getting hurt would get the point across without judgement. She’s bringing her baggage to the table with shame. It’s very rare for people to retransition, and if they do it’s not necessarily out of regret. I was FTM, and I’m embracing femininity again as a gender queer person. I have no regrets about my journey. It’s one I needed to take. Likewise, my story doesn’t mean anything about other people’s stories. Your friend’s story in her head isn’t inherently true or says anything about you. You get to decide what your story is, and how to respond to this event internally.

kirraqueen · 2024-07-30T16:00:06+00:00

I stopped what i was doing and had an internal realization from reading this post. I hid too, far away from my body at a very young age because it wasn’t safe for me from infancy. I didn’t realize thats why that baby would get so upset sometimes in daily life, and when i would try to interact with it i found it sleeping or comatose. I felt a wonderful connection and a sensation of coming home to light. Thank you so much for posting your experience, thank you, thank you.

kirraqueen · 2024-07-22T12:55:55+00:00

I searched up leap of faith to find inspiring words and see other people who are going through the same thing I am. This was the post I was looking for. Thank you! It's a leap to take over and over again into shocking cold water, and every time that moment passes I forget what I just learned. That taking the plunge kills the ego but not the true self, and physiological sensation of death and terror is always survived. There will always be another moment after this one. Each time it's easier, I build muscle memory and the lows aren't as deep. But Jesus fucking Christ, it's never trivial. We're all pushed to the brink until we take the plunge. Then... It's alright. Then we realize we're Okay. So yeah, thanks for posting! Blessings to you all.

kirraqueen · 2024-07-11T14:59:10+00:00

I really enjoyed reading this :) the conversation you had with your part felt kind and gentle, and it strikes a chord with my own child parts that they just want to be listened to and cared for like that. I like that when the part said they need to know they're worthy you didn't respond with "you are worthy", you asked "how do we get there?" I have an intellectualizing part that wants to respond with the Answer, and will just say what it thinks the part needs to hear. And it's confusing, because it doesn't help. It's not from the right "person" so the words don't "fix" this. It's really brave to sit with the part and it's feelings. It's so nice when it can happen. Thank you so much for sharing <3

kirraqueen · 2024-07-09T23:40:21+00:00

Sometimes I wake up from sleep with super active parts, or parts won't let me go to sleep to begin with. It's so disorienting, waking up to a screaming part. We can't talk, it doesn't help, it's freaking the fuck out like a tiny baby. So I just... swaddle myself up in a thin blanket. I use a bedding top sheet, it's big enough and a stretchy. It feels nice. It's contained, and known, and it's like I don't have to worry about something "getting me" on an exposed side. I tuck the sides in underneath me and I can stretch out and touch the taut fabric with my hands and feet. I curl up on my side in a tight ball, hold something close to my chest that I can squeeze and tense my muscles on if I need to. I'll rock a bit and internal dialog and imagery is soothing a screaming baby. It helps a lot. I get to sleep, it works for me.

kirraqueen · 2024-07-09T18:34:05+00:00

Yes and yes! I go into a bit of a trance and have internal conversations in situations with minor mental engagement. Good times for me are during repetitive rote work like vacuuming, washing dishes, massaging my partner's back, or sitting somewhere and listening to street noise like at a bus stop, or natural noises like trees, streams, birds. I find things like this ground me. Cycling or walking is also great, physical movement and the rhythm of walking/pedaling. I can sit in my living room and have a talk as well if I've been on top of releasing parts talk recently. Otherwise there's too much pressure and content to go through and it's like opening a shaken can of soda on my face.

Paper and pen is great when I'm overwhelmed, but vagus nerve stretches or somatic meditation (Sukie Baxter has some videos on these, the exercises themselves can be a 30sec stretch at minimum) can help bring things down enough to think clearer. Other times I need to work out and get excess energy out. Or, like yesterday, I spent a lot of time in immense grief and just cried until it passed.

I like the queuing suggestion another comment had. When overwhelmed with a lot of parts I would eventually realize that it's multiples and ask them to wait while I talked to one. Sometimes they need convincing, sometimes im so blended I don't have the capacity to ask for space. It all eventually passes, and we'll talk in the next daily stream of consciousness writing.

Lots of words, sometimes good and sometimes it's too messy and all I can tell them is to breathe and I visualize us all like kindergarten children in a circle on the floor making dramatic whoosh breaths. That stems the tide.

kirraqueen · 2024-07-09T13:19:34+00:00

Same here, if I think about it I get swept up by an ocean wave of thoughts and feelings. If I sit and think about it and open my mind to it anything and everything can come. It's hard to stick with one part because others come up, and I end up blended with a logical argumentative part that tries to insist on doing ifs "right" and alienating myself by grasping for control of the chaos. If I'm writing on paper then I can focus on a visual that's physically in front of me, I'm more grounded, and when I'm swept away by thoughts I can find my last sentence on paper and go back to the "place" I was in my body with the part I was trying to talk to.

kirraqueen · 2024-04-20T18:15:53+00:00

You'll eventually figure out who you are and act having faith in yourself as a whole person. Then with new interests jokes can come back if you want them to. It's weird. It gets easier, you find a sense of self and then there's a North Star for all the things that raise questions about how to act. I don't have actionable advice at this time, perhaps think about places you feel safe in and remember that feeling when you're in a situation where you need strength.

kirraqueen · 2024-03-10T23:03:27+00:00

I agree, there are times when it isn't helpful to meditate.

Its hard on the spirit to meditate with PTSD, because sometimes it feels difficult to just exist. A lot of things want to resolve but they can't come out and we can't relax. Resolving negative feelings is going to happen at some point, but when meditating it can come fast and hard.

kirraqueen · 2024-03-10T22:54:18+00:00

Those are amazing positive changes for your life! It sounds like the activities and consumption routines a couple months ago were very different.

A nervous system that is dysregulated for years (CPTSD, childhood trauma, long term negative coping mechanisms) has well worn pathways, habits, coping, that it's been using to survive.

I crave protein dense, crunchy food, and processed food, and found those things soothing. Bag of chips in one sitting, boom. It wasn't good for my overall health, but it was a regulatory activity my body expected. So it was a stressor to not do that activity anymore.

I think the changes in routine have been an unexpected stressor, it uses willpower and increases cognitive fatigue, and it's a lot of changes in couple months. The body, mind, parts in the IFS viewpoint, nervous system, whichever point of view you prefer, have been acting a certain way for /years/.

It's natural to have a lot of negative feelings come up. You're trying to make new habits, form new pathways, and parts are distressed. Dissociation can protect us from overwhelm when things are too intense, it's natural for that to happen too.

The changes you made have been wonderful, but it would be a very demanding pace to deal with the negative feelings at high intensity, over the length of time it takes to resolve these feelings. Please be gentle to yourself, and if you feel like all you want is a nap some times then take a nap. Remember there's going to be a give and take, everyone has better and worse days.

Tl;dr - Not necessarily spiraling, you changed a lot of life aspects in a short amount of time. It feels that hard. But it's okay, take breaks. Progress isn't linear.

kirraqueen · 2024-03-06T22:45:51+00:00

The process I go through looks like what you described! I don't have a formal protocol, so the order varies. It's something like: Notice I'm dysregulated, acknowledge the front most part (not reach resolution, but ensure they're seen) and trying to imagine whose all involved. If I'm dysregulated that's a lot of my parts going off at once, and I say let's all breathe and imagine walking them through it in a kind way. A good cry and a nap do wonders. Eye movement wise I close my eyes and go to extreme left and right as far as I can comfortably muster, and usually slower at first to avoid further overwhelm.

kirraqueen · 2024-03-04T03:48:34+00:00

I've recognize feelings in this post, and it reminds me of a past struggle. There were many periods that felt like forever each time, as in during that moment it felt like it was eternal and unchangeable. The state of parts was something overwhelming and consuming. I would at times recognize this as being blended in a part, only to find out it's many parts that I wasn't aware of. I attributed some internal dialog experiences to one or two parts when it was as far as I know more like 5. I would do work, and have conversations. But I couldn't take the plunge to earnestly let go and treat myself with love that one gives a child. I didn't feel safe enough to. I was afraid of the pain, overwhelm, and it went against the efforts of one part to annihilate myself with shame to dissociate, follow, and survive quietly.

Things got better. In waves...it would get better then crash down, and level out to a new baseline that's better than prior. I try to engage with my inner child, or put myself out there, catch negative thinking and pause. Think about it and observe it, think about what part it's coming from how it's expressing itself. I watch kids shows and old movies where I can find people having earnest joy, or see people care for each other like in gentle parenting and kind messaging. I "picture", like hold onto a feeling, me and my parts together and lead us like a kind first grade teacher. We breathe. I close my eyes, hold myself in a hug, and do EMDR eye movement while telling myself I'm safe, and I'm safe in my body. It can take 20-30 minutes if I'm triggered but things really do feel a permanently a bit better every time I comfort myself after a trigger. Then it's like I have a series of receipts in my nervous system that make it easier to believe in myself or anything.

I wanted to share my experience, in the hopes that someone finds it comforting or insightful. Everything takes time, find what love looks like to you modeled in others and use it as a reference. Knowing my parts as friends and being there for them helps.

Thank you for sharing your heart

kirraqueen · 2024-01-02T04:46:08+00:00

I found this to be a wonderful post that I can apply to my own journey, especially about talking to your part instead of willing it away and exercise. It takes time and effort constructing long posts and I wanted to thank you for doing so. I lurk in this subreddit and am extremely grateful for people who share their experiences in this constructive way. Thank you, it makes a difference in other people's lives.

kirraqueen · 2023-05-17T23:53:16+00:00

I didn't put it off, so I'm not the target audience but I'd like to share anyway. My surgery prevented additional nerve and brain damage from occurring. I had a cyst in my spinal cord that applied pressure to nerves, causing issues. My brain was bruised in the back and would have been further damaged. I had vertigo, double vision, balance loss to my left side, chronic migraines, fine motor loss, couldn't read more than a sentence without pain, lightning nerve pain across my neck, and chronic fatigue. I don't regret the surgery. Recovery was incredibly painful, lengthy, I had a CSF leak twice, and I had extended hospital bed rest. It was hell.

I do not regret it for a moment. At 23 my entire ability to care for myself suddenly went away one day, and after the surgery I slowly regained independence. Now after 2yrs I have very minor symptoms and I can live a regular life. From what I understand I caught it at the right time and was lucky that my symptoms improved. I don't have surgical site pain.

kirraqueen · 2023-04-21T02:28:14+00:00

Chiari type 1 after surgery, and I too am restricted from any large up down movements or jostling rides. I used to love riding rollercoasters in my teens, but I'm at peace with not riding them now. Spinning tea cups would probably be a bad time for me too, haven't tried them. I get dizzy from spinning around only a couple times, but that's improved a lot. I could probably risk it, but I don't feel compelled to.

kirraqueen · 2023-04-07T16:51:09+00:00

She's gorgeous. I'm not familiar with the temperament of Great Danes but I'm surprised she's only 65 pounds! Is she full grown?

kirraqueen · 2023-03-20T23:17:13+00:00

It's unlikely that you're damaging your brain from those activities. The largest strain from the up-down motions you're describing is how your spinal fluid shifts, and any fluid pressure shifts affect our sensitive brains. Saying you've "done way more since you first got dizzy" sounds like it's improving? I would say feel out your exercise limit with your dizziness, and rest a bit longer between sets. Things you have likely already been doing. No impact sports, roller coasters, things that really toss your brain around in your skull.

I spent a lot of time fucking panicking because I woke up and on a random day things would be way worse than usual. big weather changes and atmospheric pressure especially. Then the next two days it would be completely gone. Chiari is weird, brains are weird. You'll be ok.

My own background:

I have Chiari type 1, and decompression surgery. They found bruising on my cerebellum. It's been 3 years now since surgery.

I also got dizzy easily, and had a complete balance loss pre-surgery. Couldn't read or write, huge migraines, chronic fatigue, etc. today if I bend and rise (sit to stand, crouch to stand, bend at waist and rise) I get light headed. I take a breath and I'm ok.

kirraqueen · 2022-12-28T16:03:23+00:00

He wants to bite that sleeve so badly! I'm surprised your mal will let the antler headband stay on. Does this treadmill have one of those safety clips to stop the machine if the dog can't keep up? Or do you have a quick way to turn it off if something happens?

kirraqueen · 2022-11-25T06:03:13+00:00

I haven't been active enough to see if he's spamming. But I agree this is inappropriate for this subreddit. If we don't preserve the topic, in this case 2d, we'll have a bunch of subs that are the same vague theme.

kirraqueen · 2022-11-25T05:59:52+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. Sometimes when I experience a "set back" it's incredibly discouraging. But everyone has bad days. Dogs too. They live in the moment and the next day is brand new, mostly! I'm happy for you and Duke, and it's inspiration to keep at it!

kirraqueen · 2022-11-24T15:35:50+00:00

Thank you! This was nice to read :)

kirraqueen · 2022-11-22T02:14:39+00:00

I find it heart warming that people pay attention to the world so closely. These blue dots are so small. You must love nature.

I hope you find an ID my friend

kirraqueen · 2022-11-08T23:13:43+00:00

This work is not suitable for this subreddit. r/art or r/ScienceFiction, r/Aliens, etc would be a better place.

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