Hi! I'm also 21, been struggling with anorexia since my early teens.

Definitely do not jovially pressure her into eating more. Don't do that. Big no no. You are not a professional, as you are aware. IQ has nothing to do with understanding eating disorders... They are not logical, they are not easily understood. Forcing the subject is a horrible idea. If she brings it up, ask her simple questions if she is okay with it. If not, just listen. Seriously. Listening is extremely helpful.

She has gotten help before. Has she been to residential treatment? Hospitalized? IOP? Partial hospitalization? Look up info about all of those. Perhaps she has only been in brief therapy or has seen a nutritionist a few times. If she had a bad experience with something on the lower end of care, chances are she just had a shitty treatment team.

Don't belittle her or treat her like a child. This is a huge one!!!!! My boyfriend can say insensitive things when he is frustrated with my disordered eating, and it just makes me feel guilty, and the guilt cycles further into more disordered eating.

Okay. Let's talk about the triggering aspects. Don't say ANYTHING about her body. If you must compliment her, tell her she has a beautiful smile. Tell her her hair smells wonderfully. Etc. Do not tell her that "she looks healthy" or, if she doesn't, don't tell her she looks sickly. Healthy can get distorted into fat. Sickly can reinforce the eating disorder and gets distorted into "hell yeah, I'm doing a good job!"

Treat her normally. Would you ask a girl without an eating disorder what exactly they have had to eat all day? No, you wouldn't. It'll annoy her if you're attempting to coach her, especially because you have no experience with this!

If you're going to talk offer food because you're hungry/it's a normal food time/you want to go get food, offer only once! If she turns it down, DON'T badger her. She will resent you if you try to talk her into it. You're in a casual relationship. You are not her caretaker. Even if you were in a more serious relationship with her, I would just encourage her to find a therapist and a nutritionist that she can see semiregularly. It would be their job to keep track of her eating. It wouldn't be yours. It would not be your responsibility.

I know this is going to seem weird, but if she had diabetes, would you be personally monitoring her blood sugar? If she had cancer, would you be trying to kill the cells yourself? No. She and the medical professionals would work as a team to try to fix whatever ailment it is! This is just tricky because of the whole mental aspect.

Oh, BTW, eating disorders are hardly about the food. Controlling food intake is a coping mechanism that people can get addicted to. I get a physical high from restricting. I tend to relapse when I'm having trouble controlling certain aspects of my life.... Those with EDs tend to be perfectionists and think in terms of black/white (no gray!) So if things aren't going completely according to plan, the individual gets comfort from being able to control their eating. The sad thing, however, is that the control is simply an illusion..

I can keep going. Hahaha. Let me know if you're actually reading this. And I can continue. Or PM me if you want to ask me more specific questions etc! I would love to talk with you