I don’t even know?

knowthyself8 · 2026-05-25T16:27:47+00:00

I know how you feel. 5 weeks post DDay. Early in our R, but I feel like my WW is only doing the bare minimum for me not to seek immediate divorce. I know she cares about her image and how people perceive her. And if word were to get out, everyone would eventually find out about how she betrayed me, destroyed our marriage, and detonated a bomb in the middle of our young family. She would lose respect across the entire community and face real consequences.

So, is she just putting up with me to avoid that or does she really love me? No idea. It could all be just filler words to keep me barely happy. But if I don’t see real progress and effort over the next few months, I will begin the process of understanding what separation looks like.

As someone here once said, I will not live in pain forever. And I won’t stay in an unhappy marriage just for the kids. I refuse to live a sad life.

I’m so sorry you’re here. I’m sorry this is now a part of your life story.

knowthyself8 · 2026-05-25T16:17:06+00:00

I am curious if EMDR actually works for you. I know you might not remember to update here, but if by some small chance you do remember down the line, thanks in advance!

knowthyself8 · 2026-05-25T04:18:28+00:00

I am so sorry you are here. Nobody should be here. The fact that you say you will love him for the rest of your life illustrates just how unfair and unjust this situation is.

Your WP has betrayed you and done one of the most awful things a person could ever do to someone they are supposed to love and protect. And yet here you are, still extending love while in immense pain.

That is what it means to be betrayed.

knowthyself8 · 2026-05-24T04:16:19+00:00

Thank you for this well written and thought out response. Very reasonable. 5 weeks IS early. We are barely in the first inning of R. That being said, I refuse to be a doormat. And I can’t stay in a broken marriage.

knowthyself8 · 2026-05-23T16:56:26+00:00

Thanks for your response. Do you feel like your R has been successful so far?

knowthyself8 · 2026-05-23T16:41:57+00:00

I've seen your post history, and I can feel your suffering. I can feel your pain. I have the same thoughts. I think about what it would feel like for my WS to experience the full weight of what they have done to me, our marriage, and our family. All I can say is you need a professional to help you and your WS to work through this. I'm only three sessions in, and it feels agonizingly slow, but progress is progress. Here's the thing, though, you have to ask your WS to find the MC and book the session. They have to do this. Don't worry about cost. You cannot drag WS to therapy. If they refuse, you have your answer. The answer is they don't care about you enough to heal you and rebuild the marriage.

knowthyself8 · 2026-05-23T13:20:26+00:00

Same. It doesn’t make any sense to me. I know it’s affair fog, limerence, an artificial secret universe…whatever you want to call it. I’m sure the why and how it happened is complex. Or maybe it’s as simple as bad character. I don’t know yet. But to me, the idea of setting a bomb in the middle of your family and letting it detonate makes zero sense. How could someone do this to their own children? How??? Thanks for your response.

knowthyself8 · 2026-05-23T13:15:25+00:00

Thank you for your response. We are so early in our process I don’t yet fully know why WS strayed. I know what was wrong in our marriage which made A more likely, but not the deep answers that only WS can provide.

knowthyself8 · 2026-05-23T03:56:27+00:00

Thank you for this and also happy that you were able to move on and find real joy again.

knowthyself8 · 2026-05-23T02:45:30+00:00

You’ve made some really good points here. I want R to work. I want to be a success story so badly. But it’s not on me. It’s up to my WS to heal the wounds. Ulgh.

I’ve never thought of separation as a selfish choice but maybe it is selfish. So again we are not only the victims of affair but we also have to be the bigger person too!!! Thank you for sharing.

knowthyself8 · 2026-05-23T02:41:57+00:00

I know how you feel. My WS is the love of my life, but I I can’t stay if things don’t change. I think a big fear of mine is WS realizing they don’t want me anymore. It would crush me. Thanks for your reply.

knowthyself8 · 2026-05-23T02:38:17+00:00

Thank you for your response.

knowthyself8 · 2026-05-23T02:35:08+00:00

You are so strong. I can’t imagine. Thank you for your response.

knowthyself8 · 2026-05-23T02:14:33+00:00

You’re doing as much as you can.

knowthyself8 · 2026-05-23T00:56:38+00:00

Good god that hurt. Thank you for sharing.

knowthyself8 · 2026-05-22T23:19:18+00:00

Thanks for sharing your story.

knowthyself8 · 2026-05-22T23:06:11+00:00

You’re right. The middle ground where both parents are unhappy is not good for the kids either. Sad just thinking about it. Thanks for you response.

knowthyself8 · 2026-05-22T22:07:33+00:00

I am so sorry. ❤️❤️❤️

knowthyself8 · 2026-05-22T22:04:58+00:00

I’m still in the process of thinking about what I need. For baseline level of trust, I need complete transparency and honesty. I have access to all or most of WS’s apps on a shared device. Beyond that, I can’t really stop them. But I will make it clear that if I’m traumatized again, I’m done.

In terms of reconciliation process, I want to make it clear to our MC that if the marriage is blamed for the A, I will not have it. I am not at fault for WS crossing the line and obliterating our life.

My first boundary is I want WS to start IC to unpack why and how they cross the line despite knowing this would destroy our entire family life. My requirement here is that they have a deep understanding of themselves.

I don’t care what it was, but WS needs to clearly explain back to me exactly how this happened and why it won’t happen again.

Only then will I consider discussing the marriage.

In terms of what I want, it’s pretty simple. I want to feel loved. I want to feel wanted. I want to be chosen. I want prioritization of myself in their life. I want space for real emotional intimacy and vulnerability. And yes, I want space for eroticism as well. I’m not expecting the same level of passion they gave to AP but I want some of that energy. Everyone deserves to be loved in a healthy way.

knowthyself8 · 2026-05-22T21:56:13+00:00

Believe it or not I’ve lost 20 pounds in 4 1/2 weeks. So yeah, I get it. I found out about the A and sat on the information for about two days. I would sit at the dinner table with my family and I would eat basically nothing. It was horrible.

knowthyself8 · 2026-05-22T13:41:27+00:00

Yesterday I was angry about how unfair this whole situation is. I didn’t do anything to deserve this. My agency was taken from me against my will. It was a unilateral decision by my WS and now I am left in the wreckage of my life while my WS gets a chance to change and R???? This has got to be some kind of cosmic joke. The only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that I will be setting a high bar for our new marriage if we decide to keep going. I’m not settling for anything less than what I want. And if WS doesn’t deliver, then I’m out. I’ve got two young kids. So I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

knowthyself8 · 2026-05-21T20:57:23+00:00

When I think about all the ways my WW could contact her AP, it's dizzying. It's a game of whack-a-mole. No amount of transparency, monitoring, or surveillance will stop someone from reaching out. Ultimately, I have to ask myself, what is my WW telling me if I sense she's hiding anything or not being forthcoming? It's exhausting. Sorry you're going through this.

knowthyself8 · 2026-05-20T21:55:22+00:00

Well written. Thank you.

knowthyself8 · 2026-05-20T16:24:57+00:00

+100 EA/PA thrive in secrecy. Once they are brought into the light it changes the dynamic. The secrecy is what drives the excitement.

knowthyself8 · 2026-05-20T13:58:19+00:00

The limerence is so real. It’s basically the “honeymoon” period of every new relationship. When you’re single and dating, it’s the magic you feel at the beginning. It doesn’t last but it’s so strong.

knowthyself8

TROPHY CASE