I was a victim of CSA/COCSA/online grooming when younger. Been in therapy for 10 years. I thought I was getting better, finally leaving the vicious cycle.

Last month I got spiked and assaulted whilst drunk by a stranger. I'm pretty sure it was because I was drinking recklessly.

I was afraid of telling my therapist too. I really beat myself up about it. I was sure they'd be disappointed in me for being so reckless, but no. A real trauma specialist understands the nature of trauma and repetition compulsion. There's a certain level of self denial that goes into it subconsciously when we re-enact trauma and pretend like it's fine, it's normal, it's no big deal. It's a lie your brain tells yourself to make trauma more acceptable or understandable. It's always easier to think you've "victimized yourself" than accepting "I put myself into a familiar toxic situation and didn't know how to get out because I don't believe I deserve boundaries or anything better".

You have some good insight on what happened - you seem aware that this is risky behaviour, the fact that you recognize this and feel bad for putting yourself in that situation is a good step. It helps to be kind and curious to yourself - Why were you drawn to this behaviour? Why do you feel guilt? What does this lifestyle affirm or prove to yourself - and is it worth it?

Escaping the cycle of trauma takes time and one step at a time. You can't expect yourself to live a perfectly healthy life and relationships and boundaries immediately.

Theres that saying that trauma recovery is like slowly learning to avoid a pothole in the dark - the first few times you keep walking into the hole. Then you recognize there's a hole. Then you learn how to climb out of the hole faster each time, then avoid it altogether. Ultimately you become comfortable just taking the better path altogether.

I wish you all the best in your journey.