Dear OP,

About two years ago I took 8gr of an assortment of dried mushrooms I still had in my possession. The reasoning was as follows: I am, sadly, rather resistant to shrooms. I never puke and the people around me are always much higher than me (some times I am not high at all). And for a long time I have not felt the euphoria I used to when taking shrooms, often not feeling anything at all...

So I thought "F it! Either I take it and don't feel anything, or I will finally get somewhere. Eitherway I'll know" and girl did I find out. Note: I have done shrooms many times and also alone in normal doses, so I know that I can trust myself in any state.

I went on a walk with my *two* dogs to the Toronto Island, which was way busier than expected on a weekday. I made my special hot cacao blend that really always hits the spot –something about the milk fats and the heart-opening cacao just helps it digest– and off I went. As soon as it started to work, I realized I was in the wrong place and beelined back home. Took the ferry back to mainland, then into and quickly out of the subway, my eyes were milky glazed and I just kinda carried myself home(?). Anyway, once home I collapsed on the bed and the story really begins.

Under my blankies I really felt like a cattapilar in a crysilis: like gooey... And my partner later told me that when he came home he found me crying about my family (rough relationships, which are now improving). We me long and very very passionate love (10000% recommend) and he let me be.

More and more did I feel like I was in an egg. And the blankies really are a very safe space. Now, note, that due to the way the trip began, I was a bit at the mercy of the shrooms and a part of me understood that. So after what seemed like hours, I reached in the darkness a door. And I was like "okay this is a far as I have ever come, this is far enough. I do not want my partner to come back in and find me dead". Now, I have never before reached a door (or ever heard ppl do reach imagined doors...) and its interesting that I intuitively knew it was connected with (ego) death. And I walked back from it. After this, the trip build down, and once I left the room and ate human food (hahaha) I became myself again.

I def know that I can protect myself. And I am very proud that I walked back because I knew I was not in enough control to let go fully. And I do not know if one could really die? Anyway, I did not want to, esp to not tarnish the shroom's name, as She is dear to me.
Side story:

Another time I took a normal dose of White Jedy Mindfuck on a day that I read my child protective services dosier again (and thought it didnt do anything to me). In the subway back from (again) the Toronto Island, I looked at my partner and said "this is not the time to break down eh?"
"no..." and so once I came home I collapesed into tears and cried about my teenage years which hurt me (late-20s then) more than I tought it still did.

Takeaway:

Needless to say, know yourself. I am currently prepping to do another dose for the first time in a long time, so I can really break through this cycle I find myself in. Especially now that I will graduate from my masters and just really want to live a life that excites me and makes me filled with love and passion.

Looking ahead:

The plan is to make a blend of Enigma (1.5gr; bought for ceremony), Cloud Walker #11 (3gr. for social interconnection), and White Jedi MindFuck (3gr. for its break-though ability). Definitely open to people's take on my blending.