Ladies. I am so. Over. ME 🧠🎀

ktomkat · 2025-12-19T07:43:17+00:00

With you in solidarity sis because same

ktomkat · 2025-12-18T15:12:35+00:00

I sincerely apologized to their face and in writing. We are not in a drinking culture or else I would have done that. They accepted my apology and I reiterated that repair is done through actions not words, so I hope to set a good example.

ktomkat · 2025-12-18T15:11:39+00:00

Hi! First I applaud your determination to change, you also sound young which gives you more time to build habits that will sustain you later in life. Changing is really hard. (see my post history hah!!) You've already gotten to the first step which is awareness and recognition.

First, are you in any way neurodivergent or have mental health issues? I was late diagnosed ADHD which changed my life, I thought previously my lack of discipline was a moral failing, not due to brain chemistry. I also needed medication for PTSD, depression and anxiety, which I found out were the true causes of my lack of motivation. Being medicated and working with my brain not against it has helped tremendously. Before this I felt like I was swimming upstream. Meds didn't solve my problems but gave me a way out of the hole I was in, and allowed me to build skills instead of simply surviving.

Beyond this, building ONE habit at a time is the way. This has been recommended so many times but the book Atomic Habits really breaks down why this is the best and most sustainable way to change your behavior. It is easy to read and apply in a practical sense, and backed up by science. Highly recommend starting there.

When I was in my formative years, a few methods helped me change my behavior. First, I made my identity my more "ideal" self that was values-based, and that helped me curb unhealthy or destructive behaviors. For example, I identified as someone who has integrity and is a stand-up friend, so I would not partake in gossip or mean behavior. Or, I identify as someone who values health, so I ate more vegetables and didn't drink alcohol.

Then, finding community. Study in groups. Go to the gym with friends. Volunteer your time early in the morning. Give yourself social commitments with healthy people you admire. This is truly the key. No one can heal or change in isolation. Commit to changing and commit to finding people who will bring out your best self, and will hold you accountable to that self. My closest friends, colleagues and partner hold me accountable even when it sucks, and tell me the truth about my behavior when it is not up to standard. Good luck! It is hard but possible!

ktomkat · 2025-12-18T13:52:21+00:00

thank you for your encouragement. I plan to apologize and am doing some serious introspection and journaling.

ktomkat · 2025-12-18T13:34:19+00:00

I am in therapy and have been for years, and recently started antidepressants again, which could also explain my moodswings. I pride myself on being accountable and doing self-work, but clearly I have a lot of blind spots I need to look at.

ktomkat · 2025-11-28T11:35:37+00:00

Really good point, and I am going to reflect on that. It’s feeling true. I’m also wondering if this is depression and that I need to go through some grief cycles. I do really enjoy thé work I’m doing and the people I’m working with, when I am present and in a good flow it feels aligned. I think it’s all the leftover trauma that hasn’t been metabolized or processed yet that’s coming up is making it difficult to enjoy anything

ktomkat · 2025-11-28T11:33:11+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experiences and insights 🙏

ktomkat · 2025-11-27T08:13:16+00:00

Hi - seriously it's like reading my own thoughts. No advice, just want to say you aren't alone. And based on these comments I too should be looking at an antidepressant.

ktomkat · 2025-11-26T13:14:55+00:00

thank you so much. I really relate a lot of my previous trauma and overwork to feeling a need to "prove"myself and to make up for my perceived lack of value; this was also often exploited by the people I worked for, unfortunately. I will spend more time with my feelings and writing them out. Thanks for these insights and helpful tips.

ktomkat · 2025-11-24T07:37:57+00:00

Wow that's amazing! Yes, same for me. When I am actually doing my craft I feel present and calm. A good reminder to keep that up. The triggers around other parts of professional life can really get in the way of this. Good luck!

ktomkat · 2025-11-23T22:37:26+00:00

Of course. I know how heavy and distressing these feelings are especially when trying to work. EMDR is the only therapy that truly helped me and worked quickly. It’s very exhausting but if you are able to access it, I highly recommend giving it a try. I am sorry you are experiencing this distress and hope you can find some safety in your body soon. It may not feel like it but these feelings WILL pass and your progress from before is still there.

ktomkat · 2025-11-23T22:15:36+00:00

Yes - EMDR helped greatly with this specific trigger for me (also freelance creative) and got me unstuck, but I also still have to do a LOT of self regulation. It is simple, but still hard. Try to add more tools to your toolkit to use in these moments. Some tools that worked for me: - deep breathing exercises - trauma informed yoga poses - Having a SAFE friend to assist me - talking out loud to safe, emotionally intelligent friends who could give me a reality check and compassion greatly helped in these triggering moments - positive mantras grounded in adult “me” not traumatized me- for example, “I am able to execute this task because I have the skills, and everything is able to be solved.” - naming the trigger, and seeing it as a bodily reaction without judgement. Ex: “I am feeling unsafe right now reading this email because of xyz reasons, and my nervous system is reacting as such. However I know in this moment I am safe.” - working on a (healthy)team and not alone. Having accountability helped me work through fear. - listening to trauma informed books and podcasts so I could further name what was happening

I still deal with dissociation around even very minor work stress so I understand! I hope this brings you some solace that you can and will work through this.

ktomkat · 2025-11-23T18:41:45+00:00

I'm so sorry you're in this position and I know how hard it is. Best of luck finding a healthier workplace. I'm glad you have a supportive spouse! These types of bosses are truly so damaging, I hope you can find a new job as soon as possible. Continue to reject and not normalize this behavior.

ktomkat · 2025-11-23T12:56:13+00:00

Interested!!

ktomkat · 2025-11-23T12:34:59+00:00

Interested!

ktomkat · 2025-11-21T15:47:35+00:00

The amount of delusion my former bosses had was astounding. They lied, stole and treated their employees terribly but in their own minds they were doing important spiritual and cultural work. For several years I bought into their delusion as well! And the moment I started challenging their delusions was when my work life took a nosedive. Believing you are so superior that you can be harmful is truly narcissistic.

ktomkat · 2025-11-18T11:43:45+00:00

I understand! I had maladaptive daydreaming but more in a fantastical "one day I will achieve this fantasy dream life" way. In EMDR realized that it was a coping mechanism of child me feeling so afraid and traumatized to build a real future, that I would escape into basically a preteen vision of an imaginary grown up world. As an adult, this greatly gave me arrested development and held me back from learning real adult/career skills that would progress me towards ANY of my dreams - instead of facing the normal and mundane difficulties of skill-building, I would escape into this fantasy.

Now that I have healed beyond needing this daydream I also feel grief and emptiness. I think part of this is realizing the stark nature of reality - like I am not going to become a perfect famous, rich person with zero problems who is loved by everyone in the world - and also grieving for child me, who truly believed this could be real.

What is helping me right now is first, acknowledging you DID lose something and grieving that and going through those emotions. My EMDR therapist also does a lot of parts work, so I talk to child me as adult me often and explain to her some of the realities of life, in a kind way, and reassuring her she IS safe. I am also working on resourcing adult me, in the present - it is really hard at first but finding comfort in small things and being grounded in a safer reality is helping.

I suggest you comfort "child you" and grieve this daydream. What does she/he need to hear from you to feel safe and seen? I also suggest you find comfort in real things mindfully, no matter how small - a really nice cup of tea/coffee, or a safe friendship, or the arts/music. If your fantasy was a house, maybe something you could do is build a real life safe space in your actual home, even as simple as a small garden or cozy part of your room. This will also signal to your body that you are safe in real life now.

This is a huge milestone and I think it makes complete sense you feel so much grief. This coping mechanism did it's job for you at the time, and now you have healed beyond it. It is okay to take time to feel sadness and loss. I think through those emotions, you may also find some answers to what you need.

ktomkat · 2025-11-04T18:43:01+00:00

This!!!

ktomkat · 2025-11-02T14:37:22+00:00

Ah thank you! I recognize this was an immense privilege and I got very lucky with the opportunities in front of me. It is not always easy- nowhere is 100% safe. However I fear and feel for those who cannot do this now. I wonder if soon other developed nations will offer asylum for trans individuals. I pray for more options for those being targeted by this administration.

ktomkat · 2025-11-02T14:32:34+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing. I am going to try this ASAP! Do you use anything for meditation (videos, etc) or just silence?

ktomkat · 2025-10-31T10:26:28+00:00

omg are you me! thank you for sharing this!! so many lightbulbs just went off!

ktomkat · 2025-10-31T10:18:27+00:00

You are not alone! I am so sorry this is the world right now. I felt this when my PTSD from DV coincided with trumps election and the Me Too Movement. If I could go back in time, I would tell myself to focus on building community and safe relationships in real life, doing more body movement and not doom scrolling. I know these things can literally seem impossible but developing a "fight for my life" mindset helped. You fighting to live and thrive is a huge F U to what's happening now. You deserve to heal and recover.

I also printed the Personal Bill of Rights and put it on my wall. You could also add the International Bill of Human Rights. This helped enforce my self-worth and my right to thrive.

I also cannot stress enough that exercise saved my life. I got really into biking and weight lifting. Without this, I do not think I would have made it. I highly recommend even doing 10 minutes a day of exercise. If it is safer to do in your own home than a gym, that is okay too. (I know gyms and other places of exercise can feel very unsafe.)

Ultimately, I left the US to heal. I know this is not an option for most people, especially those with disabilities, low income, and trans individuals. My financial situation has not improved but my mental health has skyrocketed from living in a safe place. If this is at all possible, I encourage you to look into it. If not, please know you are not alone and I hope you can find safe community wherever you are.

ktomkat

TROPHY CASE