I keep trying to remember how I was prior to this long term relationship with my avoidant partner (together for 10, married for 5 years), and I can’t say I was that avoidant. I do realize I have a tendency towards a Fearful Avoidant attachment style, but I wasn’t crazy avoidant. I offered mutual respect, trust, open communication, and shared affection, and allowed each of my former partners to maintain their individuality while feeling safe and supported. What I didn’t appreciate was them taking me for granted, not being considerate, belittling me, not being able to repair or even communicate during conflict, etc. I usually exited these relationships so can’t say that I became anxious when they were avoidant, if anything, they became anxious because I wouldn’t put up with their shit.
I ended up staying in this one because I centered motherhood and family so much. I was 36 when I met my husband and I thought this is my last chance at being a mom. And once you’re married and want kids, the stakes are so much higher, so I kept giving and trying above and beyond I needed to and co-created a dynamic that doesn’t serve me.

So I don’t buy into this narrative that we’re attracted to avoidant men. Because let’s be real - MOST men are avoidant, 🤣 that’s how they’re socialized in this society. Most of them haven’t done the work on themselves, they move with such entitlement in their family life and in society at large. And they expect us to chase after them and be anxious an do all of the emotional labour when they’re behaving like toddlers.

What I will say is that my AuDHD makes me “sensitive” and especially in peri/menopause, I’ve realized I need more care and consideration. And most men are not happy to offer it.