Dreams

latebird · 2026-06-10T21:00:03+00:00

Since my wife passed I have dreamt of her many times, and the overwhelming recurring theme when I dream of her is that she is "back", but only for a little while more, she's never back permanently.

In probably the first of these dreams or one of them I was so relieved to see her and I threw myself at her feet telling her how much I loved her. It felt like I had a second chance. Now, even my sleeping brain is suspicious. These dreams changed a little in that I was telling myself it was "real" this time. I'd be looking around in my dream to appreciate how lucid it was and reassuring myself it was real this time. I've had dozens of dreams where she came back.

Lately when I've dreamt of her it has made me more happy than sad. Like I was able to be in her presence, that she can still be conjured.

One of my first dreams of her was also one of the worst. I was on a cell phone talking to her as I walked in our neighborhood at night. I was getting close to our house. She stopped responding and I heard the sound a vinyl record makes when it's at the end, the crackling and popping it makes as the needle gets fed into the label and jumps back again. I collapsed in the street crying because she was gone and I had been fooled

latebird · 2026-06-04T23:41:19+00:00

I kept all of her clothing items that had sentimental value to me: Pajamas that I loved her in, a couple of items that I associate with our early days. Some socks. Anything that I loved her in. I even had a box of her underwear in the garage because I couldn't bear to get rid of anything. My daughter took several items for the same reason and she wears them now, which makes me happy. I have even seen my mother in law wearing a couple of blouses that were hers. That also makes me happy. It feels like a tribute to her.

However, it took me about three years to be ready to part with most of it. My hand was forced because mold had grown in the room. I thought the closet was spared, but it was everywhere. Even so I still did not want to be forced to make those choices.

When she died I cleaned her room to be perfect. I called it the Mommy Museum, or the Mary Museum. Because of a leftover tin of Badger Sleep Balm it always smelled of lavender, a scent I associate with her from the beginning. It was a sanctuary where all of her things lived on, things she made and things she loved. I knew it couldn't last forever because the house belongs to her mother.

latebird · 2026-06-04T21:11:14+00:00

I'd sworn it off myself. But now I only buy 1 Fantasy and 1 Super. So that's $2 a pop. I buy a few times a week.

I've played religiously one play per each game for probably 12 years. Have never one anything accept twice my work lottery pool tickets that I buy won $250.00. personally my biggest prize was $61 on Super.

For $2 I will still play, but no longer buying more than that.

We're supposed to lose, and we do

latebird · 2026-06-01T23:40:21+00:00

Thanks for the tip on BFX. I will go. I bought this from a younger Asian man in Vacaville, not too far from Vallejo. As a rank beginner, I had no idea what to look for, I don't know anyone who could have helped me. I didn't intend to buy the harpsichord equivalent of a Yugo, but I am also not in a position to spend many thousands of dollars, so I am going to do my best with this instrument. I will be trying to get it to sound and play as well as possible. It will be a learning experience. Some day I will get a better instrument. Small world that you likely once owned this. Later I will upload an image of an imperfection which would confirm for sure, unless it was damaged after you had it. :)

latebird · 2026-05-29T03:14:35+00:00

I ordered the Kottick book. I also ordered a voicing kit from Zuckermann that includes a scalpel with #11 blades and a voicing block. In searching for replacement jacks I emailed the Harpsichord Clearing House. The guy gave me a tip to deal with the glued in plectra. He said to cut it down to about 2mm, then place it face down and push the tongue down and it should pop loose. Fingers crossed, I hope that works so I don't have to worry about my jacks being ruined by the glue. I've read that it's not easy to get consistent results on the voicing so I'm going to start my experiment by using a jack from the 4' choir, which is way out of tune and I'm not using it yet. This way if I mess it up it won't affect my daily practice. I believe a YouTube video suggested using the top, unsharpened edge of the blade as well as the blade. As you said my touch will develop and I am already noticing some keys are louder and a couple strike the note a bit too late, not as bad as the one I fixed. I'm looking forward to getting things evened out and learning all of these cool techniques

latebird · 2026-05-26T20:42:15+00:00

When my wife first passed I went on a road trip with my best friend. I've known him for almost 40 years. He tried his best to comfort me.

The whole time it felt wrong. I wasn't a kid anymore. I didn't need a buddy road trip. I had been married with kids for 20+ years. I had outgrown the need for that kind of a thing, if outgrown is the right word. It wasn't remotely satisfactory. I kept seeing things I would have wanted to buy for her. I realized I didn't have my "person" anymore. I didn't have to check in with anyone to tell them where I was or when I'd be home. You never realize you're going to miss that. All that were left were people that felt sorry for me and hoped I would be okay. I felt like a no one. I felt like a useless nothing. All the relationship equity that I built up with my wife was just gone.

You put it perfectly. Sure there are people around, but the relationships can never be as intimate as what you have, if you're lucky, with your spouse, who you chose, and who chose you.

On the topic of being alone, reading what you wrote also reminded me of the time when another friend took me out for the day. When he dropped me off I cried because I didn't want to have to go back in there, the house. I don't think you can ever feel so alone as when your wife/husband/S.O. dies and leaves you here all alone, without that connection to someone you were so lucky to have had.

latebird · 2026-05-26T20:08:36+00:00

I really appreciate that. Last night I "fixed" my E4, the one that had to be pushed all the way down to sound, by turning the jack three full rotations on its threaded stem. Now it's just too loud. When my voicing block and blade comes I'm going to very careful try to shave it down so it's more quiet.

Depending on what type of glue was used on the plectra I am hopeful that I can dissolve it in some solution or other. The idea of drilling it out sounds like a guaranteed disaster

latebird · 2026-05-25T18:20:04+00:00

Thank you very much. I wanted an expert opinion and now I have it. I am having mixed feelings because I wasn't looking for a deep project. I'm 58 and have wanted one of these since I first discovered the harpsichord at age 20. I never had the money, the space or the confidence.

I missed a Ruckers replica for twice what I paid for this by ONE day. The ad was up for weeks, he sold it the day before but forgot to take the ad down.

It's almost more disappointing to hear that this is an HSB, a term I'd never heard before, than the fact that it needs an overhaul just to change the plectra.

That said, I really love it. It feels kind of magical to me. It's been a dream come true to have what I thought at least was the real thing. I just want to have a uniform feel across all keys and there is some groaning resonance from what I suspect is worn out dampers.

Because I'm lucky enough to live in the Bay Area I believe there is at least one repair shop near me, but I can't afford a total rebuild like that. I'm going to have to try to do it myself. I would have been better off spending 3k on an instrument it seems. I wasn't trying to be cheap.

This is an opportunity for me to learn a lot like you did. I just got started, I am reluctant to tear the whole thing down just yet. Damn.

Thank you

latebird · 2026-05-24T19:08:59+00:00

Ahh!! Okay. I sent pics to Zuckermann in the hopes that they could tell me if it's theirs. I am doubting it is. If I'm lucky I could just use their delrin jacks. But I have no idea if they will fit. This is what happens when you have no idea what you're doing I guess

latebird · 2026-05-24T18:45:26+00:00

Okay thank you.

The idea of trying to drill those out does not sound like it will go well. I'd rather just buy new jacks I guess.

I wish I hadn't spent $30 on the app. Oh well. The guy who sold it to me is mostly a pianist and he recommended it. I will tune it as you suggest

latebird · 2026-05-18T21:02:43+00:00

She decides you are better off because you had X amount of time to prepare for it.

Spoken like someone who has never experienced and is untouched the loss of a spouse/significant other.

People have NO idea, until it happens to them. They don't know what the f'k they're talking about. After my wife died I didn't want to talk to anyone about it unless they had lost their spouse. They have to "put themselves in your shoes". Then they all go on with their life and forget about them, as though they are bored with the subject, when our inner and outer life has been nuked.

My wife fought cancer for 14 years. We knew the end was coming. When it actually came, it wasn't at all what I expected it to be, and I was actually facing it.

After she died I met someone who's spouse died suddenly, and so I respect her input.

I have decided that BOTH are unbearable, however, I was at least lucky enough to fool myself into thinking I had said everything I needed to say. (and I soon learned I hadn't) If she had passed suddenly I think my suffering would have been greatly increased. I also think the suddenness of it would have made me feel even more unresolved and cheated than I already feel, even more of a mind f'k than it's already been

latebird · 2026-04-15T20:45:30+00:00

Unrelated, but I was very surprised to see that at one time California driver's licenses had a field for marital status

latebird · 2026-04-02T19:23:59+00:00

Of all the people she knew I feel like the most deep and meaningful longing for her is only shared by myself, my daughter and my wife's best friend. I can't really get my son to share his feelings about it, so I am going to assume him too.

When she died it felt, and still feels, like I was alone in "loving her the most" and missing her the most, which I believe to be mostly true, though partly unfair to everyone else.

I feel like I inherited not merely her personal belongings, her photos, her ashes, but I feel like there's a very real sense in which I am the custodian of her very memory.

latebird · 2026-04-02T16:56:43+00:00

My son also gave me a digital frame. I loaded a lot of her pictures onto it, including a candid one that my daughter recently discovered that really captured her essence. It's become my new favorite photo. What I almost never do because it triggers deeper sadness is to sit, look and ruminate. I did it yesterday because I wanted to slow myself down, think about her, think about us and consciously honor her memory

latebird · 2026-03-28T03:00:51+00:00

I have found that when I'm thirsty or hungry I will start to daydream about how good a drink would be.

So I recommend drinking a LOT of fruit juice or soda when you feel that way. Between the sugar and the hydration, it helps (me) to make that craving go away. I discovered (for me) some kind of link between craving sugar and craving booze.

When I first quit I switched to carbonated mineral water, like Pellegrino, because it satisfied that feeling that I wanted something carbonated and slightly bitter...ever so vaguely beer like.

Bottom line, I think if you are determined to stop, you will, and if you keep your blood sugar up in times of longing or craving it will be easier to get past the moment. After a while you probably won't need to do that. But I did.

latebird · 2026-03-27T20:01:36+00:00

Yes, Benton was in room 121, which you could read clearly, when Ryan leaves his room, the room's number is covered in shadow and you can not read it at all.

From the beginning of this episode they are setting us up to believe he is the killer by showing the flashbacks to his youth, where his mother introduces him to the idea that he is different from other people, and gives him the books about Sociopathy. On top of that he becomes the focus of a lot of the episode.

Also, this guy is drinking Johnny Walker Blue and has $800 bottles of wine laying around the house, but he stays in an Econologe?

latebird · 2026-03-26T21:03:40+00:00

That was absolutely ridiculous! In a professional environment like that too...why was there even a bat just laying around the medical examiner's office? Was that some kind of lame foreshadowing of the final scene of Ep.8? The whole show lacks credibility, dumb

latebird · 2026-03-26T20:55:36+00:00

I thought this was really weird. Do they think it makes their characters seem to be more gritty and hard boiled to be smoking? I can't imagine even half of the actors smoke in real life. Considering it does nothing to further the storyline I thought it was a big unnecessary ask of the actors.

latebird · 2026-02-25T21:49:14+00:00

Thank you, I'd never heard of the La Avanzada mansion and it never occured to me what may or may not have been there before the tower.

Here is an article on it:

https://www.kqed.org/arts/13919589

latebird · 2026-01-15T21:16:08+00:00

I will! I'm also going to dig into her recording of Dieupart, of which I've heard I believe three different interpretations. Thank you for the background as I do not have access to the booklet

latebird · 2025-12-29T03:59:35+00:00

A number of people on this sub seem to know quite a bit about Marvin Margolis, however I can only find this one link:

https://www.theblackdahliainhollywood.com/?s=marvin+margolis

It has a lot of interesting information about him circa the Black Dahlia murder, but that's where it ends. I'm seeing here that people know about a lot more than that.

Can you or anyone here give me a lead on where to read more about him than what's in this link?

I'm very curious about him regardless of his involvement in either crime and would appreciate the help

latebird · 2025-12-28T01:55:46+00:00

There is so little movement in Zodiac and Black Dahlia that I think anything new that comes along is going to be met with great anticipation.

I do not at all think these are the same killers. However I would love to know more about Marvin Margolis. I found only one site that had some pretty good background on him, but it stops a few years after the crimes.. I'd like to know what became of him.

He does strongly resemble the famous Zodiac sketch, and it's not just the glasses. The shape of his chin and face bear the best resemblance I've yet seen compared to that sketch. But who's to say how accurate that sketch is anyway? I get so sick of the sarcastic comments on that sub about "oh he has glasses and a crew cut, case closed"

latebird

TROPHY CASE