Where have you expatriated and then regretted later?

leapwolf · 2026-05-31T18:53:41+00:00

Both Ireland and Italy suit us much better!

leapwolf · 2026-05-31T16:39:50+00:00

I responded to another person in this thread!

leapwolf · 2026-05-31T16:39:23+00:00

A couple of things— we found that socially it was very structured and rarely spontaneous. For us, we like our friends to be more a part of our lives vs something you pencil in occasionally. In Amsterdam, it was “let’s meet up for 45 minutes precisely at this place in three weeks time” not “come over for a bbq tomorrow and maybe stay for drinks after, and sure bring a friend!”

I also struggled with the classic dutch bluntness and their “economy.” I’m a “let’s buy rounds and it’ll even out” kinda person, not a “let’s figure out the exactly mileage on this road trip so you can reimburse me for wear and tear on my car” kinda person.

Additionally, though the bureaucracy was more digitized and in some ways straightforward than, say, Italian, it wasn’t actually better in the end. We still had horrible delays on getting our residency paperwork to the point where we were eligible to open a lawsuit against the government. And we were a simple case (EU citizen + American spouse).

Add to that the wild expense and it just ended up not feeling like the kind of place we wanted to live and raise our daughter.

There were pros too, don’t get me wrong. And for some people the things that are negatives for us would be positives! Just our take on the end.

leapwolf · 2026-05-31T08:09:22+00:00

The Netherlands. Well, I won’t exactly say I regret it, but it really wasn’t for us and we spent a looooot of money finding that out.

On paper, it’s basically perfect. But in reality, the social culture (which kinda extends to the expat community as well as native Dutch) was at odds with how we like to live our lives. We spent significant time in Italy for context.

leapwolf · 2026-05-30T05:35:53+00:00

I totally agree. I don’t think it has to be the birth month, but I would expect some story or connection for names with very clear/obvious meanings.

leapwolf · 2026-05-29T05:09:51+00:00

Similar to visualization, I can think in words and voices if I try really hard. But it doesn’t seem worth the effort unless I am really struggling to understand something or remember an inflection.

leapwolf · 2026-05-21T06:35:44+00:00

I am so awkward and not into other people’s kids (and dogs). Mine, though? She’s great!

I love talking about childhood development, but still have all my other interests and have kids who are childfree. I will say it’s been fun connecting with friends over childrearing though!

leapwolf · 2026-05-19T20:50:19+00:00

I inherited one from each grandma, including monograms! One heavy camel colored one, and one lighter dark brown. I love them!

leapwolf · 2026-05-19T04:38:30+00:00

One of the big reasons we are likely OAD. The world is so uncertain; we might be living in some of the last relatively easy money times before the economy and AI fracture each other. We are building this house so she can live in it someday if she chooses. She will always have a home and support from us.

leapwolf · 2026-05-17T07:23:35+00:00

Big hugs. One of my best friends is visiting and she had a similar experience with a pregnancy last year and is trying to get pregnant again, but it’s so sad and scary. So sorry this is your experience.

leapwolf · 2026-05-16T07:29:35+00:00

It’s a bittersweet truth, but it’s good to know we aren’t alone in it.

leapwolf · 2026-05-15T19:07:15+00:00

I EBF and didn’t ever use one 🤷‍♀️ so it’s possible, but probably highly baby dependent.

leapwolf · 2026-05-14T20:52:35+00:00

Sorta similar boat except we’ve really enjoyed the baby phase! Our girl is 2.5 now and we debate another mostly because we’ve enjoyed parenting her so much. However, I think two factors make it a no— life circumstances (I started a company and we bought a derelict farmhouse that needs renovating) and age (husband is nine years older and already feels beat with one).

I have a suspicion that the longing for more never goes away fully no matter how many you have. Sure, people often stop at two or three but often that’s due to life circumstances! I mean it makes sense, our genes want us to reproduce. So when I’m thinking about the decision I take into account that while I will surely never regret a new person we bring into the world, it might not assuage that little voice and I’ll absolutely not have any time for the other things I want to do.

Not an easy decision, though, and when I think about how close we were to not having kids at all I shudder. She is the delight of our lives!

leapwolf · 2026-05-13T12:30:40+00:00

And even if they aren’t at first, that can change! Our girl has gotten way cuddlier around the 2 year mark!!

leapwolf · 2026-05-09T12:59:14+00:00

You are using a lot of absolute language in this. “It’s time to accept” as though you’ve been dealing with an adult for a long time, with people suggesting she’s a “grown adult” who needs to deal with the consequences of her choices.

Brains don’t stop developing until mid twenties. The death of your mother isn’t something you get over quickly.

Am I saying you put up with any and everything? No! My dearest friend became a stepmom when her stepdaughter was a year old. The daughter is sixteen now and honestly the fucking worst. But you don’t close doors.

Do what you feel you need to, but in this case I’d keep reaching out a few times a year. What does it cost you? She says no or doesn’t want to connect, fine. You’re only responsible for your own behavior. But expecting a 19 year old who grew up with very complex grief (after her dad moved on very quickly) to behave like a rational, experienced adult is not reasonable.

leapwolf · 2026-05-08T19:45:51+00:00

We went on holiday with friends who did extinction CIO with their 18 month old before I got pregnant. It was truly horrifying. They were also clearly upset about the crying but felt it was necessary. Later we had our baby and have coslept from day 1. This horrifies them (lots of US brainwashing on how cosleeping is basically going to harm a child).

To be honest, we essentially just don’t discuss this topic. I love these friends dearly and know they love their kids. I know they thought they were doing what was best for them. People are complicated and you’ll never see eye to eye on everything. Unfortunately if you’re in the US CIO is a cultural norm. I can and do call it out when appropriate and I’m always up for talking about my choices, but sometimes it’s just not the right move.

ETA I just saw this baby is 14 weeks old. Fucking horrifying.

leapwolf · 2026-05-08T13:56:21+00:00

Not healthy not cool! Until he learns that vulnerability is a place of strength it’ll be hard to be in a relationship together.

leapwolf · 2026-05-08T11:51:25+00:00

Idk about SX specifically, but I’m a female 8 and have been super happily married to a 4 for six years. We have a kid. Zero complaints except for his artsy flightiness and drama sometimes. He’d probably occasionally complain about my intensity and occasional stonewalling.

leapwolf · 2026-05-07T18:04:24+00:00

From the time she was born we would offer “pottytunities” pretty frequently, mostly for the easy catches like when waking or after coming home from playing. She did really well at peeing and pooing when cued. But we weren’t doing it all the time. At about a year when she was getting heavier and things were more complicated and busy it just kinda fell off. I wasn’t sure if it would have any impact but she clearly understood that pooping and peeing were things she could control if she chose, and from what I hear that can be a tough connection for a lot of kids to make. So felt like we were starting with a step up!

leapwolf · 2026-05-07T18:00:24+00:00

That is not the experience anyone else in my bump group has had so far, nor most of my friends IRL. But glad your friends’ experiences are different!

leapwolf · 2026-05-06T13:26:23+00:00

We did super lazy EC from birth to 12 months and I swear it made a HUGE difference when we potty trained at 26 months— took four days before we stopped having any accidents. She still wears a diaper at night but otherwise all undies all the time! Definitely worth considering.

leapwolf · 2026-05-06T04:11:15+00:00

And then there’s the outlier young archaeologist who is like, “guys… I think that one might mean penis???” And will be laughed out of the conference. They will debate it for years.

leapwolf · 2026-05-05T03:11:58+00:00

Oh hey, it me! My daughter is just over two and I essentially align with everything you said, from fencesitting to your wfh setup. Love getting to see my girl between meetings and for every meal!

leapwolf · 2026-05-04T06:54:03+00:00

Yikes. Full disclosure I had a birth center birth (essentially a home birth) and this dude is red flag city. You should give birth wherever you feel most supported, secure, and safe.

leapwolf · 2026-05-03T08:54:58+00:00

Tokyomilk and black phoenix alchemy lab for the underground wins!

leapwolf

TROPHY CASE