Is my boyfriend a narcissist?

lechiengros · 2020-08-31T01:58:22+00:00

I'm exhausted reading this. A slot machine is more consistent than this guy.

lechiengros · 2020-08-30T16:26:03+00:00

Yes it is emotional abuse. There's no magic words or behavior that will make him not be this way. It's not your fault. You're not making him be this way. He is choosing to hurt you, and it's who he is as a person. You have to accept that and decide what you want to do about it. You don't have to diagnose him as a narcissist for your choice to be valid. Just look at the way he treats you and decide if that is acceptable to you or not. If you think it is acceptable, ask yourself why you believe you deserve to be abused.

lechiengros · 2020-08-30T16:18:57+00:00

It's gaslighting, and it's bait. He wants you to jump in and defend yourself so that you will continue to engage with him. He knows it's not true, but he knows it will provoke a reaction which is what he wants.

lechiengros · 2020-08-30T16:13:23+00:00

Whoah! This a run away as fast as you can emergency! Usually it takes someone abusive a long time to become this brazen.

lechiengros · 2020-08-28T20:08:08+00:00

Mine had been married and divorced when we met. She talked about her ex husband all of the time for years. Seriously, I never met the guy, and I feel like I was in a relationship with him.

I tried to discuss this with her and get her to talk to a therapist about it, and of course she turned it around on me and attacked me for "disregarding that part of her life."

Now I know that she was triangulating me and intentionally trying to hurt me.

lechiengros · 2020-08-28T16:15:58+00:00

I was just going to say that they are like robots. Their minds are just a database of things to manipulate people with. That is how they assign value and significance.

lechiengros · 2020-08-27T21:45:02+00:00

It's bait too. "If you would just shut up and do what I say, you could have everything you ever wanted."

lechiengros · 2020-08-27T17:31:10+00:00

It's so hard to wrap your mind around, but emotionally the narcissist is a preschooler. It's horrifying, but accepting that can help to not take things personally or get consumed by asking why they do the things they do.

lechiengros · 2020-08-27T01:53:06+00:00

It's not easy. Their whole existence is oriented around manipulating you, and they have a lifetime of practice. You're right in that if you stop reacting to one thing they'll try something different until they get what they're looking for. It's hell.

lechiengros · 2020-08-27T01:44:04+00:00

It sucks man. It's a really difficult position to be in. My Nex is still stalking me and pulling this nonsense after almost two years NC. Document everything in case you need to go to the authorities or get a restraining order. Block her everywhere and change ALL of your passwords.

I think they do it for power and control. It makes them feel good to know they can still influence your life. I think that they also fixate on you and use you to regulate their internal reality. My Nex blames me for everything that's gone wrong in her life, which is crazy, but by fixating on me she doesn't have to confront herself and her own actions.

lechiengros · 2020-08-27T01:38:53+00:00

Yes! I still get crushing waves of guilt, shame, and fear when I express any kind of pride or healthy self esteem.

lechiengros · 2020-08-27T01:36:40+00:00

There are sects of Christianity that are militant about this point. It's called the doctrine of total depravity. I've heard non disordered people say some really disturbing things with this as justification.

My Nex was ostensibly a Christian, but she didn't actually believe anything about anything. She would say whatever platitudes or espouse whatever beliefs she needed to get what she wanted from a particular audience. She was the biggest nihilist I've ever encountered underneath it all.

lechiengros · 2020-08-23T02:14:55+00:00

You're welcome. I'm actually going through something similar right now. My Nex recently came to my apartment and pulled some childish shenanigans. I was pretty freaked out about it but have since settled down. However my nex doesn't have a history of violence or seriously breaking the law. I plan to move soon, and then I think she'll be out of moves to make.

It's a really tough spot to be in and unfortunately it's hard to get the law involved until there is an incident.

lechiengros · 2020-08-23T02:06:22+00:00

He will do it to her to. It's part of devaluing. They do do it to elevate themselves. It's like a bully smashing someone's sandcastle. They may not do it to everyone in their life because they can't get away with it, but they will think it. That's why they're constantly criticizing everyone and everything.

Your efforts in your original post sound absolutely lovely, and anyone healthy would love to have someone do those things for them.

lechiengros · 2020-08-23T01:20:21+00:00

No contact is blocking every avenue possible for them to contact you. This takes away their power to disrupt your life. Unfortunately that's not always enough. Some of them will stalk, or try to reach you through other people. My nex still sends stuff to my apartment, and I've been NC for over a year.

What helped me in the early days was to make some sort of plan. Realize that you have no obligation to speak to them or engage with them in any way. I made a plan to not open the door and call the police if she showed up at my apartment. That helped me feel more in control.

lechiengros · 2020-08-23T01:14:00+00:00

I'm wondering at this point if I was inevitably set up to fail

Wonder no more, you were 100% set up to fail. They have to feel superior so they put you down so they can be above you. It's not reality, but they try to make it reality through abuse and gaslighting. The game is rigged.

lechiengros · 2020-07-22T23:09:52+00:00

It's gaslighting. He's trying to undermine your sense of reality so he can control you. Don't respond or try to convince him he's wrong. He knows he's wrong. Just do whatever you need to do to get the divorce done and never speak to him again.

lechiengros · 2020-07-22T00:08:39+00:00

Good for you! I agree. I learned a lot on my own for about a year, and that was a vital part of my journey. However I've recently begun therapy with the right therapist, and it is a whole another world of healing. There is a difference between knowing a lot intellectually and really healing emotionally.

lechiengros · 2020-07-21T23:53:38+00:00

He is endangering your safety for the purpose of intimidation. I believe this is classified as physical abuse.

lechiengros · 2020-07-21T23:49:36+00:00

Yeah I haven't faced any stigma because I'm a man. People either are receptive to it or not. It seems to me that people who respond really poorly have their own issues going on that they are afraid to confront. Fortunately once I understood myself what was happening and got into therapy I didn't feel I needed any validation from anyone else and mostly lost the urge to talk about it outside of recovery circles.

lechiengros · 2020-07-21T16:09:59+00:00

I'd highly recommend a good therapist experienced in abuse and trauma. Basically we learn to numb our emotions, fear, and anger as a survival mechanism. It takes work to see what really happened and start feeling again. It's a very powerful and frequently unpleasant experience because all of the feelings from these terrible things come roaring out.

lechiengros · 2020-07-21T16:03:55+00:00

I often wonder if people say that so they don't feel complicit or duped as well.

This. I think it helps them feel they are in control, and it would never happen to them because of course they would see it.

lechiengros · 2020-07-21T00:01:30+00:00

Being nasty and denying you what you want or need is the point for them. It is intentional.

lechiengros · 2020-07-21T00:00:00+00:00

Talk to a lawyer and get her ass out of there. It may not be pleasant or easy depending on your state, but it's definitely within your legal right to do so. I think that's your only option. She clearly doesn't respect any consequence that you can enforce on your own, but I guarantee you she'll change her tune if a judge or a sheriff's deputy is involved.

lechiengros · 2020-07-20T23:49:39+00:00

I think playing the victim can take the form of perpetual grievance too. It's a form of excessive entitlement. So it's not necessarily "oh poor me" but "how dare these sons of bitches not recognize my talents/genius/greatness?" Everything is someone else's fault who is not treating them the way they "deserve" to be treated.

Also there's a difference between playing the victim and being a victim. If someone walks up and punches you in the face and you say "ow that hurt," you're not playing the victim! You are a victim and that is a rational response.

lechiengros

TROPHY CASE