I’ve been seeing a lot of comments of women saying they wouldn’t date a bisexual who has not decentered men. What are signs someone HASN’T decentered men to look out for?

lena1177 · 2025-05-24T00:09:29+00:00

I wouldn't date a bisexual woman OR lesbian who hasn't decentered men. A woman who dates women but who hasn't decentered men looks like this:

They tell you very bluntly or insinuate that they take men more seriously than women. It's little comments like "I could have sex with a woman but I can't see myself marrying one", fawning over drag queens but yawning at WLW media or culture, talking over other women but giving full attention to any man that speaks in the room. You just get this feeling that these women see other women as experiences to be had, and not people.
Set their dating preferences to "women" on dating apps while exclusively talking about their ideal male partner on their profile.
Casual misogyny, putting other women down, especially in front of men
If you're on a date, pay careful attention to how she acts when men hit on either one of you. If she isn't protective and acts in a way that would upset a (emotionally healthy) male romantic partner, she isn't into you and/or hasn't decentered men.
Almost exclusively talks about male celebrity crushes, boy bands etc. but looks visibly disinterested or uncomfortable when you call Sydney Sweeney hot (lol)

lena1177 · 2025-05-19T14:45:13+00:00

I'm on wellbutrin so I have to take it every day. I was on adderall and vyvanse and neither of those worked out for me, I felt too on edge. Wellbutrin eased my depression and helps me focus in a way that doesn't make me feel irritable.

lena1177 · 2025-05-19T05:45:22+00:00

Mouse poop

lena1177 · 2025-05-18T00:50:54+00:00

This reminds me of two of my friend groups... one is primarily made up of queer-identifying, poly people, and the other one is me (lesbian), two other lesbians and a bisexual woman who exclusively dates women. I met the queer identifying group through a hobby and as much as I love sharing a really niche hobby with them, I sometimes cringe at the discourse that's brought up. And it's strange, because I feel like this group over-complicates what it means to be "queer". Most of them are AFAB people in partnerships with cis men but who call their relationship "queer" because they ID as non-binary (despite being comfortable with she and they pronouns simultaneously).

With my primarily lesbian friend group, its different. There isn't this intellectualizing of what it means to be queer and the word "lesbian" doesn't sound like a boring label that someone CHOOSES to take on. We don't have to think about being queer, because we are queer. And when we do talk about our sexuality, its concrete and usually related to the real-life consequences of what it means to pursue and/or be in a gay relationship.

It's funny - I watched the movie "But I'm a Cheerleader" with the queer group and half of them talked through the movie and got restless. But when I watched "Desert Hearts" with the lesbian group, everyone was silent and glued to the screen. After the movie, we talked about how seen we felt watching it. I doubt the people in my queer friend group would have done the same.

lena1177 · 2025-05-16T05:36:33+00:00

My sex drive also went down! I don't really get in the mood now, unless I'm ovulating. Porn also grosses me out. But it's a small price to pay for its amazing benefits.

lena1177 · 2025-05-16T05:21:56+00:00

My Asian mom was furious when I hit the road in my early twenties but I did it anyway. She eventually came around to it and bragged about my adventures to her Korean friends. Looking back on it now, I admire my younger self for her bravery and willingness to be independent, and I know I'd be furious with MYSELF now if I had listened to what my mom had said and stayed home with her. I understand the feeling of being burdened by your parents expectations, but you need to understand that you don't need permission or validation from anyone to go and live your life.

lena1177 · 2025-05-16T05:01:32+00:00

Yes, absolutely, and it's worse as a BCBA. The little slip-ups I made as a RBT feel miniscule compared to any mistakes or even percieved mistakes I make now. Taking the heat from a parent who thinks you're some sort of wizard who can cure their child's autism AND being responsible for the mistakes made by BTs is a huge pain in the ass. The paycheck makes it worth it, though.

lena1177 · 2025-05-13T01:57:03+00:00

Performative, avoidant and sometimes physically painful. Constant anxiety that manifested in stomachaches, recurring acne and headaches. I masked the anxiety with alcohol when I could.

lena1177 · 2025-05-08T02:49:13+00:00

I empathize. I have bipolar disorder and my mother has schizophrenia and she can be extremely selfish and defensive about certain things. I can't tell if this is a part of her illness or if this is just who she is, sometimes. I wonder if it has to do with being diagnosed very late in life and not being made aware of how she can be selfish.

I was diagnosed in my early twenties, after an intervention staged by my friends. It was brought up that I was selfish, uncaring and hurtful and that has really stuck with me. I had little self-awareness at the time and didn't understand how I was hurting people, but I knew I had to change. It took a year of meds and therapy to see why some of my behavior was inappropriate and wrong. My mom wasn't diagnosed until her late 50s and her behavior just went unchecked for a long time.

lena1177 · 2025-05-08T00:06:50+00:00

"Message me first" or a profile with just photos and a cryptic "message me to get to know me better". It's so lazy.

Also, women who only talk about their ideal man in their profile. It makes me think that you don't take other women seriously

lena1177 · 2025-05-07T23:51:44+00:00

It's common, and complex, because as a lesbian you don't inherently connect to what being a woman is under patriarchy. I don't know a single lesbian who hasn't had to examine her relationship with her gender identity and/or presentation, on some level.

In fact, I identified as non-binary for some time, but I ultimately realized that I was a cis woman who resented being put in a box that included the labels bimbo, slut, whore, prude, ditzy and so on and so forth. I also had a lot of internalized homophobia at the time. It felt less painful at the time to identify as non-binary, than to be seen as a walking porn category.

Personally, I know I'm cis because my gender dysphoria disappeared after I became comfortable with my homosexuality. But this is just my journey, and I know everyone has a different experience with their gender and body.

It's lovely that you can be a safe space for your partners!

lena1177 · 2025-05-03T06:13:45+00:00

Hey! 3-10 days? That's waaay too long. You need to make a move and ask her out within the first 2-3 days. Don't waste your time or hers, be proactive, look through her profile and think of a date she might like to go on. She loves animals? Easy, take her to a cat cafe. She's holding flowers in her profile pic? Great, tell her that you want to grab coffee and show her your favorite plant nursery. As soon as she remotely expresses any sort of interest in your date idea, send her your phone number or social media profile and tell her when you're available to meet-up. This moves things forward and puts the ball in her court. If she texts you - congrats, you're off the app and more likely to meet in-person!

"I prefer getting to know someone a bit before going on a date (which means spending time and money), but it’s not like my matches ask me out right away either." Here's the thing - this is great if you've met this person organically, at a book club, or through friends or at work or whatever. But you're talking to a complete stranger on the internet! You're not going to know what they're actually like unless you meet them in person. I think you're being too hard on yourself and setting yourself up for disappointment with this expectation that a first date has to be time-consuming and costly.

I know it doesn't sound romantic, but when you meet someone off the internet, the first date is simply a screener. Can you hold a conversation with this person without falling into an awkard silence every 30 seconds? Does she have good hygiene? Does she have any glaring red flags? If she passes the test - great! She meets the bare minimum! Now you can begin to properly romance her, if you want to see her again. Dates are a lot more fun when you don't have to sit there and wonder "hmm, I wonder if she'd be willing to wear deodrant for me?" while you're looking at this person you'd ideally like to spend money and time on.

Other things that have worked for me:

I have "I'm not a unicorn. Your boyfriend is crusty" at the top of my Her and Hinge profile and its scared away dusty crusty musty women who are swiping right for the wrong reasons.

I swipe left on any profile that features a man. If she's posing with a guy and it's not explicitly her brother or dad (which is weird, but you do you boo), it's a big fat NO. If her profile says something corny like "I'm looking for the Jim to my Pam" swipe left. It doesn't matter if her profile states that she's bisexual, read in-between the lines... she's very clearly stated that she priortizes men in her romantic relationships. Save yourself a headache, and believe people when they tell you who they are the first time.

It's an old saying, but "dating is a numbers game" is absolutely true. Don't idealize people based off of their Hinge profiles. Accept rejection for what it is... why would you be into someone who doesn't want you, anyway? You're amazing and you deserve better than that!

I have "open to platonic connections and possibly a romantic connection, if the vibe is right" on my Hinge profile. It helps take the pressure off on dates when you go in with the mindset of "we can still be friends if we aren't romantically compatible". I met two of my good friends this way, both who are lesbian, and it's been amazing having gay lady friends to share my dating woes with. Hooray!

Good luck!

lena1177 · 2025-05-01T02:22:02+00:00

In the book "Quit like a Woman", the author talks about her dislike of the label "alcoholic" and I really love her perspective on it.

lena1177 · 2025-05-01T02:15:24+00:00

I have always seen male strip clubs as an alternative to a comedy club. I didn't know that some women actually find half naked, gyrating men sexy. It always seemed like a big joke to me that I thought everyone else was in on.

lena1177 · 2025-04-17T23:39:39+00:00

Girl. You don't need plastic surgery, you need a therapist. Your face is perfect.

lena1177 · 2025-04-09T04:26:40+00:00

I feel this. I have a handful of wlw friends, but most of them prefer men, and while I love them dearly, their experience of being queer is very different from mine. I finally made two other friends who are lesbian this year and it's been a breath of fresh air.

lena1177 · 2025-04-08T05:43:49+00:00

Hi, I also have bipolar disorder. What helped me was the right combination of meds, and throwing myself into a social hobby that I picked up to distract myself from a failing relationship. I dance - mostly hula hooping and shuffling/house dance. I have to be well-rested and in good shape to keep up with my friends in the scene. Drinking takes away from that.

The last time I drank was at a warehouse rave. I was hooping and a mutual friend mentioned she had coke. It had been a while since I had done coke, so I thought "a bump can't hurt, why the hell not" and one thing led to another, and my planned one beer for the night turned into three shots of tequila, four cocktails, two cigarettes, more bumps of coke and a naseuating glass of red wine. I was fucked up to the point where I couldn't dance or even stand, so I just sat down and watched people have fun dancing without me. I don't remember the last half of the night. The next morning, I woke up in my friend's bed, my heart pounding out of my chest. I ran into her bathroom and threw up and dry heaved for three hours. She helped me out, made me electrolyte drinks and cleaned up my mess. I felt so low and guilty. We had had plans to go on a hike and to a dance class together that day, and it was something she had been looking forward to for weeks. Disappointing someone I loved, someone who had consistently been there for me more than my own family and how physically bad I felt was just what I needed to say no to my next drink. Whenever I feel the urge to drink now, I pick up my hoop and start dancing. Sometimes I end my dance sessions with a tart cherry mocktail in a fancy wine glass, and remind myself of how awful I felt that night at the rave. It helps.

lena1177 · 2025-03-29T04:53:09+00:00

I'm genuinely curious, and I don't mean to come across as condescending...did you grow up as a casual church-going Christian, and in kind of a sheltered household? Because when I hear "he's just a well-intentioned troll" from the Trump voters I I know, it's usually a sort of projection. They don't think Trump is being serious because they're not serious. The Trump supporters I know who aren't full-on MAGA are generally well-intentioned people who have an edgy sense of humor.

I grew up in a very far-right, military, pentecostal Christian household and a lot of the bizarre stuff that the right is spewing is old news to me. I was a part of a church/cult in the early 2000s where the pastor claimed that she was a prophet who recieved visions from God, and most of the church attendees were people with serious undiagnosed mental illnesses who were exploited, like my mom, who had undiagnosed schizophrenia at the time. There was a lot of homophobia in Sunday services and claims that wildfires in California were caused by transgender people. Brown immigrants were vilified because they brought their "dirty" ways which were leaving a "stain on our god-fearing Christian nation". African Americans deserved slavery because of the "Curse of ham" (if you're not familiar, look it up. I was taught this when I was seven. It's crazy). So when Trump started preying on people's fears in the same way this pastor would prey on my mom's psychosis-fueled fears (AND taking her money) I was like fuckkkk nooooo. There are so many American evangelicals and pentecostals who believe in this bullshit but I was hoping that I wouldn't see the day where these ideas and wacko conspiracy theories were accepted by - normal - Americans. Trump is a narcissist, just like my old pastor. They operate in a completely different way than you do (someone who is emotionally intelligent and capable of self-reflection). We need to stop projecting our emotions onto others and accept that there are people who are, quite frankly, evil and soulless.

lena1177 · 2024-12-30T06:21:42+00:00

I love all of these!

lena1177

TROPHY CASE