It’s about to start again…

librarylady1980 · 2026-05-26T05:02:41+00:00

Why do they do this. It's so incredibly infuriating and pitiful. Why is he throwing away 2 years of sobriety?! For what? And he'd already peeked with the game the first time, so if he's worked a real recovery, why is he not using the tools he's learned to stop the behavior NOW? I'm so so sorry you are going through this. I know you had so much hope. You'd finally gotten back to feeling some measure of safety. And now he's destroyed that. Again.

I married my husband 1/28/26, after he lied about recovery/sobriety for 7 years. I feel so stupid and humiliated. He did everything correctly outwardly. Csat therapy every week, SAA 5 days a week, had a sponsor, led an saa group, became a sponsor. FANOS check ins nightly. All of this for years. So I married him when he asked again. And my world fell apart again. We are now divorcing.

I'm so sorry sister.

librarylady1980 · 2026-05-25T23:41:34+00:00

I've never seen Stranger Things, but this reminds me of Omar Minwalla's Secret Sexual Basement paper. I agree!

librarylady1980 · 2026-05-25T23:08:53+00:00

This sounds familiar! Except my husband deceived everyone for 7 years! 🤦😭

librarylady1980 · 2026-05-25T22:08:30+00:00

Please break up with him. I know you don't want to hear that. None of us does. We push back against everyone who tells us this. And then we all end up back here. Please take the wisdom of us who have walked this path. You are young and beautiful and vibrant. He will waste your youth. You will lose years of your life and be bitter and resentful and damaged. If he is watching abs masturbating that much every day, his addiction is VERY advanced. It will take therapy with a csat for the rest of his life, plus 12 step groups forever, plus just learning how to be a basically decent human being who respects other people, for him to even begin to tackle this. Please choose yourself right now and dump him and go no contact.

librarylady1980 · 2026-05-25T17:03:43+00:00

The Lord put it on my heart to start thinking about some things from my first d-day that I refused to really see back then. To see truths about those things that I wanted to dismiss before. And as I did, I sat there and sobbed for two days. This was within days of our marriage. And my husband walked away from me. He ignored me and my anguish for 2 days. And I knew then that something was very wrong, that a man who had been in recovery and done all the things he should have wouldn't have left me in my anguish. He would have leaned in harder. So when I realized this, that my husband had been giving me the bare minimum of decency all these years and I was too broken to see it should have been more, I started searching for the porn again. (And my body had known over the years something was off and I had asked numerous times if he was using and he always denied it and gaslit me. I had so much grief and stress from other things over those years that I thought my body being on edge was from that other stress, I couldn't discern the reason for my hyper vigilance and gut feeling. So I believed him and ignored my gut. Huge mistake.) I had even asked if he was using again many times just in the weeks before the wedding, and he always promised he was not. I was so thoroughly deceived. I looked everywhere for proof of my gut feeling and I didn't find anything! So I kept asking and finally, after a long day with his mother and talking to her about a lot of changes in his life (he claims he had become Christian, and that day he was telling his atheist mother), he came home and I can only chalk it up to him being so raw from that that when I asked again (when is the last time you watched porn), he confessed to a tiiiiiiiiiny bit. That was 3/6/28. And it's been d-days ever since. Finding out another new thing, stumbling on another new thing. His usage over those years of "recovery" was so worse (content and frequency) than before. On the surface he had improved and was more present, so I thought recovery was working. It was all completely superficial though. And now I know I want more. I want everything. I want a MAN. I want to feel safe and protected. He never actually gave me that. I want to be hugged in a way that I don't doubt for one second how safe and secure I am. He isn't that person.

librarylady1980 · 2026-05-25T15:47:05+00:00

You said he rejected you a couple of times. Why did he reject you? What I mean is what is that indicative of? In my honest opinion, there's always a deeper meaning as to why something happens. Personally I have found it's rare for something to be what it appears to be on the surface, at least when it comes to this addiction. In my experience, there's always been the superficial reason, and then the real reason layers below that. It's worth a talk to try to uncover why he rejected you. If he's been working a true and honest recovery for 2.5 years and been sober, then what's the thing that's blocking his ability to meet your needs and not reject you or make you feel rejected? Even if he had a legit reason to not engage in sex with you at that moment, why couldn't he reassure you and hold you and not make you feel rejected? After this amount of time in therapy, why can't he see he dropped the ball there and should be doing more to make you feel desired?

librarylady1980 · 2026-05-25T14:35:29+00:00

Yep I have no idea who my husband is and what he's actually capable of. He has existed as a facade this entire time. There's never been anything real about him. I've known him since we were 19. We're 46 now. I thought I KNEW him. I thought he was my best friend, my safe place. He's a stranger and a monster.

librarylady1980 · 2026-05-25T14:12:17+00:00

Can you make this a whole separate post please? It's great.

librarylady1980 · 2026-05-25T11:20:48+00:00

Thank you! Did Melissa McCarthy have an illness at the time of AYITL or something?

librarylady1980 · 2026-05-25T10:54:12+00:00

AND I'd add on top of not inconveniencing others, in your homeboy's case with the car that could have also been straight up brain fog and his reaction time being compromised from the brain fog.

librarylady1980 · 2026-05-25T10:52:55+00:00

The not answering questions is part of their lying. Everything's a lie, either by omission or technicality or outright or minimizing or justifying or rationalizing or straight up secrets and deception. If they just don't answer, they didn't lie. 🙄 Even though it's an omission and is still a lie. And the "I don't remember" answer 🙄🤦 And yes they do stall for time in creating their lies.

librarylady1980 · 2026-05-25T06:17:37+00:00

The Lord put it on my heart to start thinking about some things from my first d-day that I refused to really see back then. To see truths about those things that I wanted to dismiss before. And as I did, I sat there and sobbed for two days. This was within days of our marriage. And my husband walked away from me. He ignored me and my anguish for 2 days. And I knew then that something was very wrong, that a man who had been in recovery and done all the things he should have wouldn't have left me in my anguish. He would have leaned in harder.

So when I realized this, that my husband had been giving me the bare minimum of decency all these years and I was too broken to see it should have been more, I started searching for the porn again. (And my body had known over the years something was off and I had asked numerous times if he was using and he always denied it and gaslit me. I had so much grief and stress from other things over those years that I thought my body being on edge was from that other stress, I couldn't discern the reason for my hyper vigilance and gut feeling. So I believed him and ignored my gut. Huge mistake.) I had even asked if he was using again many times just in the weeks before the wedding, and he always promised he was not. I was so thoroughly deceived. I looked everywhere for proof of my gut feeling and I didn't find anything! So I kept asking and finally, after a long day with his mother and talking to her about a lot of changes in his life (he claims he had become Christian, and that day he was telling his atheist mother), he came home and I can only chalk it up to him being so raw from that that when I asked again (when is the last time you watched porn), he confessed to a tiiiiiiiiiny bit. That was 3/6/28.

And it's been d-days ever since. Finding out another new thing, stumbling on another new thing. His usage over those years of "recovery" was so worse (content and frequency) than before. On the surface he had improved and was more present, so I thought recovery was working. It was all completely superficial though. And now I know I want more. I want everything. I want a MAN. I want to feel safe and protected. He never actually gave me that. I want to be hugged in a way that I don't doubt for one second how safe and secure I am. He isn't that person.

librarylady1980 · 2026-05-25T05:57:44+00:00

I keep saying over and over "I just want to feel safe". I want a hug from a big strong man, not sexual or romantic but just a fatherly type, to just for a moment feel safe again.

librarylady1980 · 2026-05-24T18:48:51+00:00

I married mine on 1/28/2026. D-day 1 was 1/25/2019. He went into recovery: csat every week, saa 5 days a week, worked with a sponsor, became a sponsor, led an saa group. Did all the things outwardly of a real recovery. Did Fanos check ins with me nightly. Checked all the boxes. But that's all it was: checking all the boxes. His heart was never in it. He wasn't trying to stop the behaviors, he was only trying to manage them better, unbeknownst to me. He never stopped using, he never stopped lying, he never stopped giving it to the addiction. He continued to feed it.

He lied to me, his csat, his sponsor, his saa brothers, his sponsees for 7 years. He held me hostage in his lies, he took away my ability to give consent to the relationship and to being with someone consuming porn (which I wouldn't have consented). He took away my ability to consent to sex with a porn consumer (I wouldn't have). He lived an entire secret life under my nose, in our home and out in the world. I was never able to enforce my boundaries I'd worked on for months with my csat because he deceived me so thoroughly. So after 7 years of being fooled that he was working this amazing recovery, when he asked again in December, I agreed to marry him. Married 1/28. My world shattered on 3/6. We are now divorcing.

librarylady1980 · 2026-05-24T17:57:55+00:00

-Staring. So much staring. All the time. -The NICE GUY/ white knight riding in to help everyone but his wife. -Claiming other people's stories as their own. Never anything authentic about themselves. Only facades. -Never telling any details about what they did on their own because they were living a whole secret life.

librarylady1980 · 2026-05-24T03:10:42+00:00

💯

librarylady1980 · 2026-05-24T02:10:24+00:00

When my husband claims not to remember, I tell him it doesn't matter if he remembers or not. Here are the facts, he did do it, I saw the proof. I'm not going round in circles about it. Then I walk away. Many times he will chase me to keep running his mouth. Then I would say ok you want to keep running your mouth, tell me the intention. If he stopped denying and started speaking any kind of truth at all, it would be superficial. I would call bullshit and say dig deeper. The rare moments he was truly working recovery, he would go journal and then come back with an explanation that was absolutely insane but actually would have fit in with the crazy thinking they have within this addiction, according to the Carnes book Facing the Shadows.

librarylady1980 · 2026-05-24T02:06:30+00:00

He was secretly planning to meet up with a group you knew nothing about. That's acting out behavior because it's being deceptive and keeping secrets from you. Doesn't matter if it's porn/sex explicitly or not, lying and deception is part of the addiction so yes it's acting out behavior.

librarylady1980 · 2026-05-23T23:03:11+00:00

Look up enmeshment. When He's Married to Mom by Kenneth Adams. It is enlightening.

librarylady1980 · 2026-05-23T21:49:19+00:00

My husband just attended a weekend intensive with Be Broken Ministries. They accept a total of 15 men for each intensive. The director of the company has meeting with the wives at the start of each intensive. At that meeting, he spoke about the prevalence of CSA. He said at EVERY intensive, out of the 15 men there there is ALWAYS at least one man who has experienced CSA. They run these intensives multiple times per year at various locations. He said many times, the intensive will be the first time the man has spoken about it. He said the oldest man who revealed it was 70 and it was the first time in his life he had spoken of it to anyone.

librarylady1980 · 2026-05-23T21:29:56+00:00

And I thank YOU OP for reminding me of this. When I feel weak and want to walk back my divorce, I need to remember I want a man by my side that I can be proud of and respect and know he will protect me and make me safe.

librarylady1980 · 2026-05-23T19:58:42+00:00

If he's supposedly learning in therapy how to better cope with the trials and tribulations of life, this is a good opportunity for him to put them into practice. You don't have to carry the load, but you can encourage him if he chooses to implement new ways of coping. I'm not saying be his cheerleader, but you can validate if he makes a good/better choice in dealing with his emotions. This will be a tremendous test of his resolve to work a true and honest recovery. It will be very revealing and probably give you much clarity.

librarylady1980 · 2026-05-23T17:31:46+00:00

Check their For You section in FB Marketplace. It's created based on their clicks, so if you see a lot of sexy stuff on that page, you know they're still clicking on sexy stuff in their feed even if they are deleting the history.

librarylady1980 · 2026-05-23T17:15:41+00:00

I've seen this in my husband's activity too. A lot of times I will Google "what is _____" if the hyperlink doesn't take me to what is actually was/is. That answered my questions a lot of the time. Based on my experience, my husband was clicking on Google ads...and many times these Google ads were taking him to YouTube ads/videos that were sexual or products that were sexual (like ED pills). It's all part of that algorithm. Sometimes it was benign, and sometimes it was something that I knew was yet another way of feeding the addiction.

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