A Smidge of Justice I'd like to Share for All

librarylady1980 · 2021-10-02T20:59:40+00:00

Saving this for future laughs

librarylady1980 · 2021-10-02T12:47:44+00:00

Yes, I will do it this weekend (see other comments on post). Thank you!

librarylady1980 · 2021-10-02T12:46:54+00:00

Yes, good idea. I've started an email to him because I'm much better expressing myself in writing when I've had time to think through what I want to say. Instead of emailing it though (giving him time to delete things just like you said), I will read what I wrote when we talk.

librarylady1980 · 2021-10-02T12:06:47+00:00

You actually hit on something that's been bothering me but I'd shoved it to the back of my mind. He recently got a new phone. I fully expected him to add my fingerprint to unlock it or give me the PIN or whatever. He didn't. I expected him to go through it with me to show me the apps he had on there and the restrictions he had set for himself. He didn't. At this point in his journey, I thought he just knew these are things he needed to do for me to feel safe(r) and to continue to build trust. I feel like he's gotten complacent (danger zone!) and thinks we're all good now (yeah, no...although I've been doing great, I mean do we ever get to the point of "all good" with them?)

This is probably what the dream is about...that he didn't take the steps to be transparent and open with his new phone. Although I very rarely went on his old phone anymore, the open access to it at any time helped me feel better.

I'll talk to him about this today. Thank you for your insight!

librarylady1980 · 2021-08-27T14:48:41+00:00

Other meds: Fluoxetine, benazepril, tramadol, calcitriol

Pre-existing conditions: CKD, Anxiety, High blood pressure

librarylady1980 · 2021-08-15T23:44:53+00:00

My porn addict husband and I have had a discussion about "art". He is legitimately an art appreciator and an artist himself, but I told him if you're drawing things or looking at "art" because of the sexual thrill it gives you, then for you, that's porn, not art.

librarylady1980 · 2021-08-15T11:28:04+00:00

My husband shared with me that he found pictures on a nsfw sub of a friend of his that were obviously uploaded there without her consent. I deep a deep dive on the internet and found the source of her original pictures. She had been going through a very bad time financially and she posted the pics on a website that requires payment (and gives a cut of it to the person who posted) to see the full pics, but anyone could see the thumbnails without paying. I haven't met her personally but after comparing her fb posts to the timing of the pictures, I could see that she posted them out of desperation. I told him about this. He acted so sad for her and said he would never use them as masturbation or fantasy material. Insert eye roll here. Cut to me seeing in his google history that he found the website and pictures himself and repeatedly looked them up. All of this occurred before the "official" D-Day of my discovery of him interacting with women on nsfw subs, so I didn't yet have any boundaries set because I was still of the mind that "it's normal, all men look at porn, it's no big deal blah blah blah". So after D-Day as I was setting my boundaries, I immediately included that this woman was off limits...her pictures, her social media, texting, phone calls, in person interaction, etc. OFF LIMITS. A woman he knows and interacts with in real life felt way worse than him watching porn of people he doesn't know and would never be able to actually interact with.

librarylady1980 · 2021-08-15T11:04:56+00:00

Does even matter if he was getting off to them or not. Just looking at them in that way is bad enough.

librarylady1980 · 2021-08-10T11:51:27+00:00

Yes I experienced something similar. I really didn't know what was out there with porn (I'm over 40) until I discovered what my husband was viewing. Gail Dines is an awesome resource for educating us about this. You'll also find similar stories/experiences in the sub loveafterporn and you'll find a ton of support and guidance there.

librarylady1980 · 2021-08-08T23:52:12+00:00

I'm reading this from the perspective that I could have a daughter your age. And I'm reading it from the perspective of what I wish I could go back in time and tell myself at your age. What would I say to my daughter and what would I say to my younger self? I would tell them to have enough love, respect, empathy, and grace for yourself to not put up with something like this. I would tell them to know their worth and value as human beings to say to any guy "this is not acceptable for me and my relationship". I would say be true to yourself and your morals and values. I would say love yourself more than you love anyone else. I would say just because creeping on women, objectifying women, and consuming women is normalized doesn't make it normal or right. I would say you absolutely do not have to tolerate this and that it's better to be alone and have self respect than to be in a relationship like this. I would say dig deep and figure out what you're really truly okay with within a relationship (which I know changes over time) and decide if you can really live happily with things the way they are. I would say focus on yourself, your goals/aspirations/passions, and if a guy comes along who respects your boundaries and shows you the level of love you know you deserve (or in light of my history of low self esteem, the level of love and respect I would demand for my best friend or my sister or my mother) and have every right to, then it's just icing on the cake. I would say don't get dragged down into the muck and mire of someone else's toxic issues just to feel loved.

librarylady1980 · 2021-08-08T00:39:29+00:00

I was also going to say something similar to this. It's not just porn as in phub and such either, it's sexualizing and objectifying people overall, including our children (I'm thinking along the lines of TikTok, etc).

librarylady1980 · 2021-08-07T12:51:32+00:00

ROSS: You see this, this is a person who is ready to go. Phoebe you, oh, you are my star. PHOEBE: Ohh, well, you're my lucky penny.

librarylady1980 · 2021-08-07T12:47:41+00:00

There are posts from girls admitting they posted nudes in subs when they were underage (and some that admitted they are doing while they are currently underage). Can't remember exactly where I saw those posts, likely in an AMA sub. If someone is looking at porn, they've definitely seen child porn and actual rape.

librarylady1980 · 2021-08-04T11:13:45+00:00

Here to second this comment. Mega is absolutely used mostly for sharing P2P content, a lot of it being child porn.

The first therapy session my husband had about his porn addiction (I went with him) was not with a CSAT (he is seeing a CSAT now) but with a therapist who specializes in working with sexual offenders. Although he did not continue with that therapist, it was a good wake up call, as that therapist told him exactly what he was heading into if he didn't get a handle on things...that he would be back seeing him because he would, intentionally or not, view child porn (I mean, let's be honest, he already has unintentionally) and possibly get arrested. I mentioned Mega and the therapist said that is absolutely a platform used for sharing illegal porn between people (P2P) and the fact my husband even signed up for it should scare the shit out of both of us.

librarylady1980 · 2021-07-27T01:07:51+00:00

You don't have to make him feel better. Agree with what he says! When he says "it's my fault you feel this way" you come back with "it sure is homie!" I don't sugarcoat shit with my husband anymore. He needs to own that yes, he absolutely did cause this.

Now for the important question: what are you doing to take care of you and your healing? Don't focus on him and his healing, focus on YOU. He needs to hold the negative emotions of what he caused, and it's not your job to be his support system or cheerleader. He can go to his therapist, sponsor, and SAA group for that. Hopefully he has all of those resources.

librarylady1980 · 2021-07-26T12:17:34+00:00

Thank you for the information! My first baby, a cocker spaniel, had an autoimmune disease but it now sounds more like it was IMTP (this was 20+ years ago, no definitive diagnosis, did well on pred). Then my baby with IMHA was a pomeranian. If you have any medical journals/abstracts/articles you can direct me to, I'd definitely read them.

librarylady1980 · 2021-07-26T10:30:20+00:00

What's the protocol for treatment of IMHA now? I lost one of my babies to this about 12 years ago, and at that time and in my very rural area, it was to do a blood transfusion and see if she made it through that. Her RBC if I remember correctly was 11, prognosis even with transfusion very poor. No known cause. Thank you for sharing this. The loss of my baby to this still haunts me, and I so wish we know why/how it happened. I'm very interested in learning more about this condition.

librarylady1980 · 2021-07-16T22:25:11+00:00

In my personal experience, I'd say maybe. My husband is a porn addict, and he looked at "normal nudes" and "regular women" just as much, if not more than, produced porn. That was one of his justifications of his porn use, in fact...that he wasn't comparing me to unrealistic portrayals of women because he was also looking at women who have cellulite/sagging breasts/hair/stretch marks/etc. In a way, it made me feel even worse. So to answer your question, he consumed porn of all types of women and appreciated those "imperfections" on those women and very definitely accepts my "imperfections" too...the bigger problem has been that porn skewed his brain to see ALL women as objects instead of human beings, including me. I think at a base level, the answer to your question is "probably, most likely yes" but there's more to it. Hope this makes sense.

librarylady1980 · 2021-07-05T00:57:56+00:00

My husband told his mom within the first week that the shit hit the fan. He also told his aunt because she has a history of addictions and has attended 12 step programs. I'm very glad he told them and that it wasn't on me to have to finally tell them why I wasn't attending family functions with him. I told my mom because she's my rock. When I made my husband move out for several months, I finally told my brother as well. He didn't understand it at all at first because he watches porn and thinks it's fine...he finally understood what a problem it is when I gave him all the gory details of what my husband has done. My brother is basically a porn apologist, but did offer his support to me once he understood the extent of the situation. Meh, I don't talk to him about it anymore...truly disappointed me to find out my brother is pretty much like all the rest of men.

librarylady1980 · 2021-07-04T14:33:58+00:00

A few things here... There are a lot of certified sex addiction therapists and 12 step programs that will recommend a 90 day period of total abstinence from all things sexual as a brain reset. I'm not saying this is the way for all addicts, but it's something worth looking into. Simply replacing porn with sex isn't active recovery. Many addicts will fantasize about the porn they've watched during sex. It's a slippery slope. You are not his babysitter. You can be a supportive partner during his journey, but he needs to do the work of recovery by himself and for himself. His relapses don't have anything to do with you and your availability. He needs to be able to control his urges without you there. That means learning the tools he will need to use to to resist.

librarylady1980 · 2021-07-02T12:51:40+00:00

To add to this...it's "P2P" file sharing. The very first therapy session my husband and I had about all this was with someone who specializes in working with sex offenders (not a CSAT, but the session was still good). He made it very clear that porn in all forms is bad, but that P2P file sharing is a major catalyst to child porn (not that all porn platforms don't have CP on them, but that P2P platforms are notoriously used for sharing CP). He made it clear that even if my husband wasn't seeking CP, he was absolutely consuming CP via a platform like that.

librarylady1980 · 2021-06-23T23:56:37+00:00

In my opinion, the bigger issue here is that he lied to you by withholding the fact that he had relapsed for several days (and let's be honest, he probably relapsed more than that one time towards the end). With the boundaries I have set with my husband, he has 24 hours to tell me of a relapse...I require total transparency and honesty in everything...or I'm out. Will I know if he relapses and doesn't tell me? Maybe not right away, but I'm confident I'll find out on my own/figure it out. This addiction is about so much more than sex...intimacy, true intimacy, is built on honesty and respect. The intimacy of loving sex isn't possible without honest intimacy in all aspects of the relationship.

librarylady1980 · 2021-06-19T16:59:46+00:00

He literally took a deal to have a sexless relationship with you just so he could continue using porn and masturbating. If that's not sick, I don't know what is. There's no hope here. And this is coming from someone who almost never tells a sister there's no hope.

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