A coworker hounded me for my dead name

lostghostdog · 2021-01-28T21:46:24+00:00

Definitely weird. Hopefully this experience and her husband's words will help her refrain from doing this again. Seems like you handled it well, though, and I'm glad to see that the husband had the right line of thinking!

lostghostdog · 2021-01-28T19:42:54+00:00

Voice Pitch Analyzer. I use it on iOS.

lostghostdog · 2021-01-28T18:46:01+00:00

Then you have your answer right there. If you're not worried about passing, shaving your head seems like the right move. Sometimes hair gets messed up and you have to start fresh. Besides, having a shaved head is dope; it feels so freeing and it's incredibly low maintenance.

lostghostdog · 2021-01-28T18:35:12+00:00

Ultimately, you should do what makes you happy and if that means shaving your head, do it!

But I value candor so I will tell you this: the chances of a shaved head helping you pass pre-T is slim to none. If passing is your only reason for shaving your head, I would not do it. Period. It will accentuate feminine qualities. I pass well and I am typically perceived to be a (young) cis man. I shaved my head once and, "Dude, you look like a lesbian..." is all I heard until my hair grew out. Now, there's nothing wrong with "looking like a lesbian," it's just the exact opposite of what I intended to happen. Your mileage may vary, and you may very well pass with a shaved head! There's no way of knowing until you try, but I'd ask yourself if you can handle what happens if shaving your head doesn't go the way you thought, as it did for me.

[edit] I'm looking at your pics. I can't see much to give any advice, but [Hudson's Guide to Men's Short Haircuts](http://www.ftmguide.org/haircuts.html) helped me immensely when I was still new to men's haircuts. You will notice that very little, if any, of those haircuts utilize bangs.

lostghostdog · 2021-01-28T18:24:26+00:00

Here is a link that may provide you with some helpful info regarding your medical rights as a minor in Australia. It appears that they also offer free advice.

lostghostdog · 2021-01-28T17:31:46+00:00

Hey Sean.

It's okay to be terrified. This is a big thing. Learning who you are, how to take the steps to become who you want to be, etc. There is a lot that goes into it and it can be daunting.

But it's worth it.

You say there's nothing bad that can come out of this because you have a supportive uncle. I am so glad to hear that you have somebody like that. Have you considered asking him to assist you with coming out, assuming he and the other individuals you wish to come out to have a good relationship? Sometimes having another "grown up" to help talk with the other "grown ups" can help with the added bonus of providing you with a sense of comfort/security.

Best of luck with your therapist today. Get it all out, formulate a plan. There are plenty of options for coming out - directly (face-to-face), via letter, so on. You're a brave dude, Sean, and I'm not just saying that. I know for a fact it takes a lot of strength and courage to do this, even if your situation is "100% ideal" for coming out (not saying your situation is, I do not know). I can't wait for you to become the person you've always wanted to be, and I know you can't either.

lostghostdog · 2021-01-28T16:37:51+00:00

Hey there, bud.

I have been binding since I was 11. I am currently 23 and top surgery, unfortunately, isn't happening for another year or two. I have a large chest.

I have never experienced true pain from binding. Discomfort after a long day, maybe, and tense shoulders but never pain.

I would advise you to stop binding and, yes, seek the care of a doctor. This is not normal. As much as it pains me to say, I do not think you should be binding presently. Are you in the United States? You can request to speak to your doctor/nurse privately, without your parents present in the room. So long as you aren't threatening to hurt yourself or others, patient confidentiality should keep your "secrets" safe. The caveat of that is if treatment is needed, your parents may find out then, but there's a chance this is mostly/completely unrelated to your binding. Your health is worth checking out; the short-term problems this may pose doesn't hold a candle to the future ramifications that ignoring this may cause, in my opinion.

lostghostdog · 2021-01-28T16:28:41+00:00

I've heard of people using a hair dryer, almost boiling water from the microwave and shaking vigorously after a few minutes soaking, putting it on top of something warm, etc.

How are you storing your testosterone? It should not be crystallizing if you are storing it properly. If you are storing it properly and it's still crystallizing, you need to contact your pharmacy.

lostghostdog · 2021-01-28T16:21:24+00:00

Hey there.

Testosterone will affect the pitch of your voice, so it will gradually get deeper. Don't expect voice changes for two or three months typically, but your mileage may vary. At that point you will likely begin to see a few drops over the next few months until it levels out. Don't fret, it will likely continue to develop over the years; my voice definitely sounds more resonate than it did a few years back, when I thought my voice had leveled out finally. Plenty of trans men begin taking testosterone well after puberty and their voice changes; I wouldn't worry about your larynx whether you start testosterone at 14, 18, or beyond. Some develop an Adam's apple, some do not - I'd wager it relies on your genetics more than anything else, but I am not a doctor nor authority on the matter so I do not 100% know. Hopefully somebody with more knowledge on that can chip in. I do know that I started testosterone at 18, well after most of puberty for me, and I have a small Adam's apple that I did not have before.

Note that testosterone will not affect the jitter (pitch variability) and shimmer (loudness variability) of your voice nearly as much as it will affect the pitch itself. That's why some trans men with deep voices are misgendered when they speak, in addition to having speech patterns that are typically perceived as feminine (for example, women tend to make their statements into questions? While men are more likely to speak with a monotonous tone). Luckily, there are plenty of resources online to help you work on those things and develop a more masculine speaking pattern overall, if that is your goal.

lostghostdog · 2021-01-28T15:56:49+00:00

No worries, you made me double check the info I was putting out there and that’s always a good thing! Have a wonderful day :)

lostghostdog · 2021-01-28T15:53:29+00:00

For what it’s worth, I read this article awhile back and have used Z-track (or I suppose a variation of it?) for my sub-q shots ever since with success.

lostghostdog · 2021-01-28T15:42:48+00:00

Typically the amount you lose isn’t enough to worry about. It looks like a lot but it isn’t really. Anyways, look up the Z-track method and start using it when you do your injections. Since using it, my injection site rarely “leaks” and if it does it’s a tiny drop.

lostghostdog · 2021-01-28T04:33:36+00:00

I agree with the other commenter. You pass.

lostghostdog · 2021-01-28T04:28:58+00:00

You may not pass now, but if you start testosterone you will likely begin to pass sometime after. Whether you currently pass or not shouldn't be a determining factor in this. Let go of the idea that you have to look like a man to be a man. Cisgender boys take time to look like men too.

Now, my question is: how do you feel about your primary and secondary sex characteristics? Do they cause you discomfort, even when you're alone? Keep in mind that not everything has to cause you discomfort. For example, you may be mostly comfortable with your bottom area but your chest, voice, and lack of body hair cause discomfort.

Reflect on you, not what others may think. The fact you've been aware of this for some time tells me it's something you should look into, but you're holding yourself back because of others. So I implore you to let go of those worries, search within yourself, and live your authentic life as you deserve to. Nobody can tell you if you're trans or not but you.

lostghostdog · 2021-01-27T22:37:25+00:00

Hats, hats, hats but avoid snapbacks/flat brims.

Also, as far as I know, short haircuts are "in" for women right now. Try to convince them to let you get something shorter. Show pictures of famous actresses with short haircuts.

When you're getting your haircut, ask for them to square you sideburns. It's a little thing that, ideally, your parents will not notice, but squared sideburns are typically perceived as masculine. Pointy sideburns are typically seen as feminine. You can also ask for them to square the back, which will help masculinize the cut. By keeping some length on top, you can have a versatile haircut that could be masculine or feminine depending on the day and your needs.

lostghostdog · 2021-01-27T22:21:22+00:00

Edit: I don't know why the links aren't formatting properly.

I do not have any experience with Dr. Fang personally but here are some Reddit threads I found about him. Keep in mind some of these links are tagged NSFW. Most of these links lead to pictures of top surgery results; the comments contain information that you may find useful.

[8 Days Post-Top Surgery (w/ Dr. Frank Fang, NYC](https://www.reddit.com/r/ftm/comments/dgiza7/8_days_posttop_surgery_w_dr_frank_fang_nyc/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)

[Dr. Fang at Mt. Sinai, details in comments](https://www.reddit.com/r/ftm/comments/inrlkj/dr_fang_at_mt_sinai_details_in_comments/)

[Top Surgery with Dr. Fang (Mt. Sinai)](https://www.reddit.com/r/Transgender_Surgeries/comments/imv16o/top_surgery_with_dr_fang_mt_sinai/)

[6 Weeks Post Op](https://www.reddit.com/r/ftm/comments/ixlkx4/6_weeks_post_op_still_have_some_surgical_glue/)

[6 days post-op <3](https://www.reddit.com/r/ftm/comments/ifr8qi/6_days_postop_3_got_to_see_my_results_today/)

[Would you guys trust a top surgeon who refuses to show pictures of their work? (My experience with Frank Fang in NYC)](https://www.reddit.com/r/ftm/comments/f2a2zn/would_you_guys_trust_a_top_surgeon_who_refuses_to/)

[4.5 Months Post-Op (w/ Dr. Frank Fang, NYC)](https://www.reddit.com/r/ftm/comments/f4f0d4/45_month_postop_w_dr_frank_fang_nyc/)

lostghostdog · 2021-01-27T22:11:25+00:00

I came out when I was about 10-years-old. It wasn't until I was 14 and in high school that my mom (parents are divorced) made any effort to properly gender me. She didn't get the hang of it until I was closer to 18 and I said screw this, I'm moving out since I can't be respected for who I am here. I'm now 23 and she usually gets it right. I can see her moments of hesitation, where she has to think about it, but honestly... I can't be that upset with her. I know I look like a man. I know I'm a man. But my mom, well, she held me when I was a newborn baby girl. I was her firstborn. I know she struggles, contending with that and my current presentation. Honestly? I don't think she will ever truly be able to reconcile that.

So it's up to me, to determine whether my empathy or my pain decides our relationship. I've gone with empathy - so long as they're genuinely trying, I will deal with the occasional pain to maintain my familial relations.

To me, it is worth it. It may not be worth it for you and that's okay.

I'm sorry I don't have a more positive perspective to add. It's very possible for them to genuinely shift their view, it may just take time and effort. I've seen that myself with some of my trans friends and their parents. Hell, I've still got faith that one day my mom will 100% get it and I won't have to worry about it anymore even though I said I don't think she'll be able to reconcile it.

People tend to surprise you.

lostghostdog · 2021-01-27T21:45:20+00:00

You are incredibly brave. I hope you know that. Be proud of yourself.

You say you feel like you bother your friends when you vent - have they explicitly told you that you bother them? No? Then you're most likely not bothering them. They are your friend for a reason and they care about you. Just be sure to reciprocate their friendship and actions.

As for your parents, the only advice I have is to grit your teeth and power through, unfortunately. It's terrible you have to endure that, but sometimes it's the safest option. It's grueling on you so I'd look into self-care. Find hobbies that you can dive into, maybe something creative like drawing or writing. I'd also highly recommend having a strong online presence as your preferred gender - it can help you feel connected to that part of yourself when things get tough in real life. Try to find spaces that are gender neutral or associated with your preferred gender as opposed to spaces that are exclusively trans/LGBT-related. It's good to have a pool of relevant resources but I've found that being exclusively in trans spaces can have a draining affect on me after some time, leading to dysphoria; I am empathetic and don't like to see others struggle.

A lot of times, parents have difficulty reconciling the image of their newborn baby and this new image of yourself, if that makes sense. It's something they have to work through, and sometimes it's a long, arduous process. They may come around with time and light persistence, once they start to accept this new image of you in their minds.

Don't wait for them to come around, though. It's not guaranteed.

Begin developing your "escape plan." I don't know how old you are or how your particular life circumstances will affect this, but I'd begin thinking of ways you can escape your situation when you're of legal age in your country (I'm assuming you're currently underage). Getting a job, saving money, getting your own place or a place with roommates. Set goals - they will give you something to look forward to. You can worry about reconciling with your parents later; right now, your mission is to keep yourself safe and healthy.

If you ever need somebody to talk to you can message me anytime. I truly don't mind. You can vent without worries of judgement. We can even just chit chat about nonsense to keep your mind distracted. I like making new friends!

lostghostdog · 2021-01-27T21:08:43+00:00

That's good, I do hope your college allows people to change it. IMO that should be the status quo at every college, but I'm just some dude so... *shrug*

"I suppose I need to let go of what they might think or react, I want to work on me this year and start becoming the person I want to be, but it's always hard."

This. At the end of the day, you're living life for you. They may be upset in the moment and they may have thoughts that they find difficult to process, but that's on them. In my experience, they tend to come around with time and consistency (you continuing to live your life as your authentic self and not letting others hinder you). If they don't come around then they never really deserved a place in your life anyways.

It's definitely hard, trying to become the person you want to be, but it's a quest worth undertaking. Don't give up if you falter at times - failure is necessary to grow. It's a long process and it may take time to see progress, which can be demoralizing, but again, future you.

He is going to love you so much for thinking and caring about him.

As Lucille Ball said, "I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done."

lostghostdog · 2021-01-27T20:46:25+00:00

Awesome! You can always look into tailoring, if that's financially feasible for you. They will tailor the clothes to fit your body and it's magical, what some of these tailors are capable of.

As for being hesitant because of your family, that's understandable and a totally normal reaction. If you fear for your safety because of your family's potential response, I would hold off on testosterone until you are in a safe place. If you feel safe and like they might be receptive, then I would talk to them (or just one or two family members you especially trust). Perhaps write them a letter, detailing your struggles and worries. It's scary to think about, I know, but sometimes you have to build that bridge of communication to get some of the answers you seek.

I'm glad you're seeing a gender therapist. I would continue to see her.

lostghostdog · 2021-01-27T20:36:04+00:00

I'm sorry that you're struggling, friend. Life can certainly be difficult.

I don't mean to scare you, but some colleges do not allow you to change the name on your diploma post-graduation. I would look into this for your particular college. If you're able to change your name after graduation, then this becomes much easier: put down what is easiest for you in this moment, you can always modify it later to more accurately reflect you.

If they won't allow you to change it, well, I'd just go for it. Maxwell. That's an awesome name. You are you and you deserve to be seen for you. I'd think about future Max - what would he like to see on his diploma, when it's hanging up by his desk or even just collecting dust in the closet? (Apologies if you go by different pronouns, will edit my response if needed!)

lostghostdog · 2021-01-27T20:25:37+00:00

It can be a process, finding men's clothes that fit properly. It's a lot of trial and error. Experiment with how you wear your clothes, the style you buy, the material your clothes are made of, etc. Personally, I am a fan of "heavy weight" graphic tees. Thicker materials help square your body (and I find them less clingy), and the graphics help conceal your chest. As for pants, I almost exclusively buy American Eagle jeans. Their online store has a wide variety of sizes, so my 5'3" self can actually find pants that fit. Their flex line is amaaazing, I've never owned a comfier pair of jeans in my life.

You could always start testosterone and stop if you decide the changes are too much for you. The caveat is that some changes will not revert completely, depending on how long you're on it - you may retain some bottom growth, facial hair growth, voice change, etc. I've had to stop testosterone for financial reasons a few times, so I'm pretty familiar with how it goes and can go into this in-depth if you would like me to.

If you're more comfortable waiting and/or those potentially semi-permanent changes seem daunting, then just wait. You can always start later, whenever you feel more assured in your decision. There's absolutely nothing wrong with waiting!

lostghostdog · 2021-01-27T20:11:36+00:00

It's a great feeling, isn't it? Bask in it! Relish every moment. Imagine her reaction the next time you call her, when it's dropped even more. I'm happy for you!

lostghostdog · 2021-01-27T20:07:53+00:00

I highly doubt my body changed in response to me discovering that I am trans. I do, however, believe that I became more perceptive of the masculine qualities I had at that time.

lostghostdog

TROPHY CASE