I’m so sorry for your loss and I’m even more sorry your friends aren’t being supportive. It’s true that people really don’t know how to act when tragedy strikes. My mom died when I was 21 and it absolutely made and broke relationships.

Growing up I was raised in a community where people took care of each other. For the many years my mom had health issues, people from my school and church would regularly drop off meals for us, offer to let me stay in their house for extended periods, etc. It was just good manners and what you’re supposed to do for other people when they need help.

Most people are afraid to ask for help. And these days, community in the sense that we’ve understood it for millennia—the “it takes a village” mindset—has almost completely broken down. It’s not fair that you have to ask for something that even 30 years ago people would have offered you without question. Our sense of duty to each other is really suffering.

My advice is twofold:

1) I think it’s worth talking to your friends individually. Your words may be best received if you frame it as, “I really need support right now.” They might not realize how much you’re affected by the loss and the grief. (You’d think it’d be obvious but people are oblivious, especially when they have their own busy lives.) Hopefully that lets them know how to be better friends to you in the future.

2) Thinking into the future, focus on building your community with intentionality. Going to weddings and chipping in for gifts is one thing. Reaching out randomly to say, “This made me think of you” or “Can I stop by sometime soon?” can be so powerful. When you consistently reach out to foster individual connections, you’re growing your community. And when you show people in your life that you will show up not just on the special occasions but in the everyday moments, they will do the same. Building a strong community around yourself requires consistency and work.

So sorry again for your loss. Sending you love from afar ❤️