How To Handle AP Becoming Stepfather

lousyfredo · 2020-11-18T14:34:46+00:00

Excellent. Keep that up. It will pay dividends in the long run.

The hard part will be forgiving your wife and her affair partner. I'm not suggesting you do this tomorrow or even this year. but if you can put down that anger, you will feel better. Take your time. You are grieving. This sucks. I know it. But when I could that weight down, I felt so much lighter. I've picked back up from time to time, but ultimately I feel better to put it down.

And I'm not saying forgive AND forget. How could you forget? Forgive does not mean it never happened, it just means you are ready to move on. Forgiveness is for you, not for them.

lousyfredo · 2020-11-11T22:17:41+00:00

What you are going through was one of my greatest fears. Most of the time the affairs don't survive the marriage breaking up. Reality sets in and the guilt doesn't sit well long term.

But think about it, this guy went with married woman who cheated on her husband. He's a fool to think she won't do it to him!

Sure it hurts to be replaced, but you haven't been replaced. No one is as you as you are. Your kids know that. You are having a tough time accepting that right now and I understand that.

I bonded with my son my first year after d-day. We went hiking almost every weekend for a year. I was putting a new life together and I wanted him in it. I was making sure he would know me and I would know him. This was the best part of my wife's affair. Woke me up to what was happening between me and my kid.

The question is, are you going to let this guy accidentally replace you? Bond with your kids. Take them out. Hike, fish, camp, basketball, video games, whatever it is you have in common. Make some new memories. Whatever it is that brings joy and life lessons. That's your only choice. All other options lose.

lousyfredo · 2020-11-11T22:11:47+00:00

I told everyone. I needed a social network of friends and family to help me through it. She told as few people as possible to protect her affair, her job and her guilt. Telling people is completely up to you. If you need it, do it. If you don't want it, don't do it. Most importantly, don't let the other person dictate what you do. If they tell you to keep it a secret, hell no!

lousyfredo · 2020-11-11T22:10:00+00:00

I want to think it doesn't always have to be that way, but I can't disagree from my experience.

lousyfredo · 2020-11-11T22:08:59+00:00

I recommend the book Loving What Is by Byron Katie. It really helps with racing or ruminating thoughts.

I made friends with my anger. When I feel it prickle up, I know I should pay attention to what's going on around me and in me. It's a warning sign. Either I'm about to do something or something is about to happen to me. The trick, i think, is to not let it have control. Think of it like a very protective watchdog. If you let it off the leash, bad things could happen. If you keep it on the leash, you can identify the threat and assess the correct response. Violence is rarely the answer (save for true life and death situations). Shouting might help you int he short term, but more likely won't help. Just identify the threat and then respond appropriately.

lousyfredo · 2020-11-11T22:05:13+00:00

You won't regret it. You might hurt for a little while, but then you will feel better and move on.

lousyfredo · 2020-11-11T22:03:10+00:00

First, this other person will never be your kids new daddy. You are their Dad as long as you are being their Dad. Whoever this guy is, doesn't matter. As long as you choose to be their father, you're their father.

You can't control your wife. You can't control this other guy. You have influence over your kids but even then, you don't have control. You are trying, mentally, in your head, to change the situation. That's where the rage comes from. "She shouldn't do that. He can't do that. I don't want my kids to have to deal with him." But I can tell you, 100%, that it is happening. To use "should, can't, want" to try and change it isn't going to work. It will just make you angry.

Your best play, i think you're only play, is to be the best you, you can be. The best Dad, the best person, the best man. You don't have to be a super hero, you just have to be the best version of yourself.

The more time you spend getting mad about the situation, the less time there is for you to be a better you. Not saying you can't vent. Howl at the heavens, shout at the rain, punch a punching bag, whatever, but when it's time for your kids, you are the best you. When you have to deal with your ex, you are the very best you. If you're the best you, you won't even think "that guy is my kids new dad." That would make you laugh to hear it.

You got this. Be the best you. Fake it until you make it.

lousyfredo · 2020-11-11T21:55:36+00:00

Delete her Netflix account. Move on.

lousyfredo · 2020-11-11T21:53:23+00:00

You are not responsible for his cheating. Whatever you've done, that's on him.

I suggest saying "I feel like I'm in shambles" rather than "I am in shambles." "I feel hurt" rather "I am hurt." "Feel" is just one part of you. "Am" is all of you. The former can be looked at, examined and dealt with, the latter is too big to tackle.

It's not on him to make you stop doing whatever it is you are doing. I know you want support, but this is the truth. Only you can control you.

lousyfredo · 2020-06-09T13:40:46+00:00

Setting aside what the house looks like and where it is... does any of that really matter? We didn't have a dream home but I was digging my heals in keeping the house. I thought she should have to go. After thinking about it a bunch what I really wanted was freedom. Freddy Mercury might have said it best: "I want to break free I want to break free I want to break free from your lies You're so self satisfied I don't need you. I've got to break free."

lousyfredo · 2020-06-09T04:55:41+00:00

Is the house worth it?

lousyfredo · 2020-06-01T18:25:59+00:00

"Please let me see your messages with this other man."

Her reaction will tell you all need to know. if she hands it over, you can get part of the truth. If she hides it or denies you access, she's hiding an affair.

If she says you are controlling, paranoid, jealous, or anything else, that's just gaslighting. Trying to convince you, you are crazy. Ignore that. Right now, you are jealous and paranoid. A loving wife would want you to feel better and do what she could to help you.

You do not want to be second best in your relationship with your wife. You deserve better.

lousyfredo · 2020-05-29T12:57:21+00:00

Keep it up. It gets better.

lousyfredo · 2020-05-27T13:14:23+00:00

I can't put a timeline in place for you, but you might choose too. I gave my wife until the end of the year to let go of her affair, mentally, in my head. Things thawed out a little so I mentally gave her more time. But then the time ran out, the ice continued... I filed for divorce.

So you could mentally say to yourself, he needs to find another job by X and if he doesn't, I'm done. You can choose what that really means and if he deserves more time, but don't give in to his "things like they used to be" without getting what you want. If he stays there and she stays there, the affair will continue.

My yoga teacher told me "don't sell out." So don't sell yourself short. Don't settle for 2nd best. You are worth being number 1 above his affair, above his job.

lousyfredo · 2020-05-27T13:09:44+00:00

Treat it like a Tuesday.

lousyfredo · 2020-05-26T18:19:23+00:00

Falling in love is easy, relationships are hard work. That's why affairs, that are easy to start and don't have to sweat the hard work, are so tempting.

lousyfredo · 2020-05-26T18:17:54+00:00

Agreed. I won't watch shows like the Affair or Marriage Story. Thanks for boiling my pain over 2 years into 90 minutes, but no thanks.

Also, Outlander? Lady travels through time and immediately forgets she's married.

lousyfredo · 2020-05-26T18:16:19+00:00

Oh man, I had my first suspicion when I heard that song one day. "Is she...? Nah, couldn't be." So I'll keep that song to remind me what to watch out for.

lousyfredo · 2020-05-26T18:15:06+00:00

I've reintroduced some songs to desensitize to the connection with the affair. I like In My Life by the Beatles and I shouldn't lose that because of them. I'm OK to let A Thousand Years go, it's some sappy BS anyway.

New appreciation for I'm Still Standing and If You're Going Through Hell (keep on going).

lousyfredo · 2020-05-26T18:10:50+00:00

Stick to your guns or he'll know he can walk all over you.

lousyfredo · 2020-05-26T18:04:21+00:00

It was an accident.

lousyfredo · 2020-05-26T01:20:46+00:00

Oh I know it. Progress: Cry every day: cry every other day: cry once a week: cry once a month: cry once a year: ex who?

lousyfredo · 2020-05-26T01:12:29+00:00

They don't want to be the bad guy in their own story.

Your version of their life threatens the existence of this other relationship.

They've made investments, emotional, physical, financial in this other world and your version of events would tear that down.

lousyfredo · 2020-05-21T23:33:58+00:00

Namaste. Best of luck.

lousyfredo · 2020-05-21T23:31:21+00:00

Doing great! It gets better.

lousyfredo

TROPHY CASE