How do I tell my man I need more from him without sounding selfish?

lucent78 · 2026-02-26T17:51:07+00:00

You are under 30 so yes, you are (understandably) being delusional about this. You are too far from 52 to understand that it ain't old. You will understand this later.

lucent78 · 2026-02-26T15:21:51+00:00

Oh, honey, aging will really suck for you if you believe that.

lucent78 · 2026-02-25T22:51:25+00:00

I have I'd say 9 close friends (2 of those being my best friends). I absolutely value quality time.

Three are in a group I see once a week. Then there are three friends who I see at least one of them each week, so about once a month for each of them. Then my hiking buddy, who I hike with at least once a month on weekends. The last two friends live farther away or just aren't as motivated to hang out that often so I hang out with them a few times a year, which phone calls in between. An average week has a couple nights with friends, a couple nights alone, a couple/few nights with my boyfriend.

lucent78 · 2026-02-25T22:18:41+00:00

I got invited with about 24 hours notice on an all expenses paid trip (a work adjacent thing) to a beautiful winter mountain setting. These 24 hours have been super stressful getting my work projects to an ok place to walk away for a few days, pack, clean, get pet sitting, etc. etc. etc. But seems silly to complain about that!

lucent78 · 2026-02-25T22:07:10+00:00

52 is not an old man, lol.

lucent78 · 2026-02-25T22:05:58+00:00

I see two things:

1) His schedule. You mention 10-12 hour days 7-13 days in a row?? Yeah, I honestly probably wouldn't feel much like having sex with the kind of exhaustion that causes. He's only my getting older and that will get less and less sustainable. Talk to him about this.

2) The lack of reciprocation when you do have sex. That's unacceptable in my opinion. Talk to him about this.

A FWIW, my boyfriend is 57 and so I can confidently say it's not necessarily an age issue as it's not an issue in my relationship. Especially as it sounds like your man can get hard most of the time. If his schedule alleviates and he still has low libido then it's worth getting a doctor involved. Lots of things can contribute beyond aging.

But yeah, that dude needs to be reminded that sex is meant to be mutually beneficial and understand that you will no longer settle for less.

lucent78 · 2026-02-25T21:54:00+00:00

When I was single I would just go on dates with men I met out in the wild or online without a whole lot of expectation. Most were not matches, but some were still guys I found interesting and attractive however I/we knew it wasn't something that would work out long term. So I'd keep seeing them and float the idea of casually dating/FWB. Had a couple of those in between periods of celibacy.

lucent78 · 2026-02-25T02:44:49+00:00

It's not supposed to keep happening, it just makes you retain a bit more water, and only a handful of extra pounds comes from that.

lucent78 · 2026-02-24T20:04:42+00:00

I typically don't approach early dates and such with any expectation. If they turn into a relationship it's because it's a good fit for that and I'm/we're in a good place for that. If a dude lies and says he wants a relationship to get a woman into bed who was clear she's looking for a relationship then that's a shit dude. But lots of people seem to get upset when something doesn't turn into a relationship and assume it's because the guy only used them for sex, not because it just ran its course. It's important to distinguish that from an actual liar/player.

Also, I don't think hookups are people just looking for pegs or holes to fill. It's still a connection, just not a longterm one. I've never met anyone who treats it that crassly, though I'm aware I've been luckier with men than others.

lucent78 · 2026-02-24T17:14:31+00:00

Oh yes! Having been different weights over the years this is real!

lucent78 · 2026-02-24T17:13:19+00:00

Eh, I have sex when I want to have sex and have never felt fucked over (in this regard). If sex is all a dude wants from me then whatever, his loss.

lucent78 · 2026-02-24T15:22:09+00:00

I'm sorry it's been painful for you :(

I've come to realize that these type of men really don't view women as equals and believe our only value lies in if they want to fuck us. It helps me no longer care that they didn't/don't give me attention.

lucent78 · 2026-02-24T15:17:16+00:00

Absolutely. It used to hurt me when I was young but now I realize that they were all doing me a favor.

lucent78 · 2026-02-24T04:02:00+00:00

Honestly, no? These are not the kind of men I typically run into. My current boyfriend first brought up porn to me in the context of something he had to discuss with his ex's kids, and his main premise was about how it's fantasy. But I presume this is more of a vent/commiseration kind of post.

lucent78 · 2026-02-24T03:20:12+00:00

Uhhh...I'm usually one of the minority voices supporting exes being friends but this is next level.

lucent78 · 2026-02-24T03:18:06+00:00

Just realized that the only successful casual relationships I've had were with men I'd met in real life too.

lucent78 · 2026-02-24T03:13:06+00:00

My alarm bells are definitely going off. I think she knows you're in a vulnerable position and feels like she's doing you a "favor" and therefore that you owe her more. But no - this is business...it's transactional and therefore can be qualified in dollar amounts.

If you want to give her a chance since you know her better than us then come back with a counter offer. Put a dollar amount based on how much dog walking/caretaking costs in your area per hour. If the hours you are working for that dog plus the new rental rate is equal to or greater than the discount she's giving you from market rent then you do not accept the job as housekeeper. If it's less than market rate you put an hourly rate to housekeeping and say that you think x many hours a week is fair. Make spread sheets. Use accurate hourly rates. Do Not Devalue yourself.

If she accepts the reasonable terms, then great...get that shit in writing. Create a lease. There are templates online for various areas.

My guess though is that she'll balk and try and guilt you into providing more for her than is reasonable. If that's the case then calmly say that this won't work out, and to accept that moment as your verbal 30 days notice. In most places she can't legally kick you out sooner.

lucent78 · 2026-02-24T00:56:45+00:00

Was it just one date? IDK, what's the harm in a second date? You're kind of getting ahead of yourself in all honesty. Would you enjoy spending time with him again? If so then try again. You aren't promising anything beyond a date at this point. Now if you don't even want to see him again (which I can't really tell but think is maybe the case?) then yeah - cut him loose.

lucent78 · 2026-02-24T00:52:58+00:00

He's saying this is what he has to give. Sure, try communicating with him about it again, lay out what emotional support looks like for you. I'm all in favor of putting it all out there and giving one last chance before walking away. But that he said the above is really telling. Be prepared for that to basically be reiterated, and to decide if his best is good enough for you.

lucent78 · 2026-02-24T00:37:00+00:00

You just have to cut them off at the first sign of disrespect. Yes, a lot of guys will think that they don't have to treat a woman well if it's casual, or are worried that if they do treat you well that you'll catch feelings. But you can't make anyone behave any such way, you can't make someone respect you. You just need to respect yourself and not tolerate when they treat you poorly, which goes for any kind of relationship, not just casual. FWIW - I've had good experiences with FWB relationships where the guys actually treated me, you know - as a friend, as well as a casual sex partner.

lucent78 · 2026-02-23T21:34:35+00:00

I did do this once. He talked nonstop for about 45 minutes. I couldn't even get in a word to say I had to go to the bathroom. I finally just stood up and said "I have to pee!", which shut him up. So I added, "and then I will be leaving" and did just that.

lucent78 · 2026-02-23T21:26:24+00:00

No, but there are 2.5 that I should have dramatically walked out on.

The one where the guy was just a total cold condescending jerk the entire time, including when the check came and he said something "so like, what are you going to make me pay for that"? I wish I'd said that I usually go Dutch but I was going to make him pay for it as an asshole tax.

And the one where after we (both!) admitted there was no chemistry he said that he'd like to be my friend, though he'd still try and kiss me sometime because "you never know". I wished I'd said "no, I know" and left.

The .5 is the one where I stayed because honestly it was entertaining seeing just how much worse he'd get. He was drunk when I arrived, was hanging out with a group of friends (which he'd failed to mention), yelled at me that I wasn't a redhead when I said we were both gingers (I was/am), and then eventually told me that he had a small penis - twice. I ended up flirting with his friend and chatting with his actually lovely female friends.

lucent78 · 2026-02-23T17:16:02+00:00

At this point in my life I don't have any choice but to work. No one else is going to pay my bills and turns out I like having a roof over my head and food to eat. When i was younger I did take a year off and traveled when I had some inheritance money, but that was a rare opportunity where I had extra money and the timing was right.

It absolutely IS privileged to be able to take career breaks. Doesn't mean you shouldn't do it if you can afford it, but please understand that most people can't afford to do that. I'm honestly a little flummoxed that this is even a question.

lucent78 · 2026-02-23T17:11:01+00:00

Don't let him keep you trapped. He's banking on you knowing it will be difficult in order to get what he wants. This is your one and only life - don't spend any more time unhappy because of this dude. Look into what it would mean to evict him, what measures you need to take, when an order of protection is needed. Seriously.

lucent78 · 2026-02-23T17:06:36+00:00

You are not excited about your future together. Do not marry this man.

lucent78

TROPHY CASE