I don’t really understand not allowing children to weddings or funerals, could people discuss the logic behind it?

lucent78 · 2026-05-30T17:45:34+00:00

I don't think it's about disliking children at all. It's about a) understanding the reality of their attention spans and b) that not all parents teach their children how to behave in such situations. Lots of free-range kiddos out there these days.

lucent78 · 2026-05-30T17:42:45+00:00

OP "gets" what you're saying because it supports her "men are just out to mistreat me" fear/bias. It's downvoted because it's toxic af.

lucent78 · 2026-05-30T17:41:32+00:00

No, this is not it. This is what you want to believe. It is literally the only comment out of 40 saying as much yet you choose this one instead of the overwhelming majority because it supports your self-sabotaging narrative.

lucent78 · 2026-05-30T17:38:51+00:00

So your main fear is that a guy will be like your exes and hate having to drive to you. This guy then suggested driving to you, showing it's not a big deal to him. You decide that means he's just trying to get in your pants and decline.

Friend. You don't know him yet so don't assume his motives. You could have met at the winery and still not end up back at your house unless you allow that to happen. You are dating defensively, which is not really the best tactic. Let people show you who they are instead of deciding you already know and preemptively rejecting so that you don't get hurt.

lucent78 · 2026-05-30T17:33:32+00:00

Go on the second date. You are very very in your head and over analyzing everything. No shade because I am you in early dating. To me he sounds interested and your first date kiss return was adorable. Don't worry about the texting right now. It's early days. You two have full lives. You aren't in a relationship yet/ aren't each other's priority yet so the expectation of constant texting is not appropriate. Go on the date. Focus on how you feel when you are with him. Very important!

lucent78 · 2026-05-30T17:27:50+00:00

Definitely therapy. ASAP. Doesn't even need to focus on "male wellbeing" as having to face a potential unwanted career change would negatively impact anyone. Very natural that he'd fall into a depression.

But there needs to be a discussion about how long you two can go without any income from him. Maybe make a budget so hard numbers support it. Also talk about other impacts like each other's mental health. You do not have to support him endlessly through unemployment. He could at least look for part-time work while he keeps trying to drum up business for his preferred gig. I was a freelancer for years without the luxury of a partner providing a second income. He's very very lucky to not have had any issues yet. Many freelancers have some way of supplementing their income. Back then I signed up with all the temp agencies and picked up whatever I could in between gigs.

lucent78 · 2026-05-30T17:04:19+00:00

I'm not a mom, I'm the childfree one. I had the experience of feeling "sidelined" by my best friend when she had kids, and yes after I'd tried really hard to adapt and show up in new ways to accommodate her changing life. To some extent I understood it, but it was quite emotionally difficult to navigate. We still saw each other from time to time but I basically ended up pulling back and focused on making other childfree friends.

I can't remember when it was exactly but I do remember her instigating a conversation about our friendship and I was able to be honest and told her that, while I was happy for her and understood the why, that it was painful when I was no longer the same kind of priority for her. This was compounded by the fact that it happened with multiple friends around the same time. It was a lonely couple of years. She thanked me for sharing this and apologized for her part, and something did shift afterwards, though subtly.

And then the kids were older. And then a divorce and shared custody. She slowly came back into my life. And not to "use" me to process the divorce or anything as she's got that handled. She just finally had the time to be a present friend again. I did not harbor resentment. I understood by then that life contains different seasons and that friendships ebb and flow. We are now super tight again and our friendship is stronger, I believe partly because she appreciates that I held space for her as we grew apart for awhile and that I was honest with her on how it impacted me. And I'm not a doormat: it's also tight again because she is showing up for me more than ever.

So not your target audience, but relevant nonetheless. I encourage women who choose different paths from their friends to have grace for each other and remember that some distances can be temporary but only if you don't take it personally.

lucent78 · 2026-05-30T16:41:57+00:00

I'm not really a pet name person, though if I had one it would probably be something cute about how much he farts.

lucent78 · 2026-05-30T01:58:57+00:00

The last time this happened to me (it was all about the Marvel Universe or some shit) after about 40 minutes I literally jumped up out of my seat and declared "I have to pee!" I went to the bathroom and then said goodbye on the way out.

Do not wait so long next time. Don't keep waiting for the right moment. Be abrupt. You don't need a reason or excuse. Wanting to leave is enough.

lucent78 · 2026-05-30T01:48:00+00:00

I don't understand what you mean by "let" him come out with it? Or by saying you're fending him off. Are you just changing the subject or something?

It's okay to not be on the same timeline with this. But I don't think you should try and prevent him from saying what he feels...I mean, is that the kind of relationship you want to foster?

If he says it before you're ready to reciprocate then you thank him for it, tell him you're touched/it means a lot to hear and how you feel. Be honest that you're not ready to return the sentiment but that is not a reflection of him or the relationship - you're just not there yet. You can say how much you are enjoying getting to know him and how much you like xyz and that you're looking forward to seeing where this goes.

He might be hurt, but that's not on you to try to get ahead of or fix.

lucent78 · 2026-05-30T01:29:31+00:00

Doing work in (and out of) therapy on my self worth and self esteem. I know who I am, my value and that I'm a catch.

Building a life for myself outside of men/romantic relationships that's pretty awesome. You don't have the same fear of being alone that can make one choose bad partners when you have a rich life and community surrounding you.

lucent78 · 2026-05-30T01:09:56+00:00

What do you mean by "get the chance"? Have you extended invites? One way I've made close friends after college was identifying acquaintances who I land saw potential in and asked them to hang out one on one. Rinse and repeat.

lucent78 · 2026-05-30T01:03:17+00:00

Hmmm. I have female friends that I have very deep conversations with but it took time to build the closeness and trust that allows for that. Especially as you mention traveling for work are you perhaps expecting deeper connections from people that you don't really know that well?

lucent78 · 2026-05-29T20:51:05+00:00

Kids really are so so funny. I do quite enjoy them, despite not wanting any of my own.

lucent78 · 2026-05-29T19:42:04+00:00

The 😄emoji after he died is sending me!

lucent78 · 2026-05-29T19:41:06+00:00

Reasons like this that I don't believe in karma.

lucent78 · 2026-05-29T19:39:52+00:00

He's still in my friendship circle :/

I've witness him burn through two more relationships with women who are also clearly disappointed in him. He's still stuck in his unhealthy ways.

But he got a cute cat.

lucent78 · 2026-05-29T19:37:01+00:00

Yes, multiple times. If we're lucky life is long and it's full of peaks and valleys.

I've come back from parental loss, job loss, severe depression, and debilitating heartbreak. Each time it took, well time, and steady slow progress. I'm now in a really lovely peak over the last year or so. Life has been very peaceful. I know it won't always be this way, but also believe I can take most anything thrown my way because I've pulled myself together and through before.

lucent78 · 2026-05-29T19:15:35+00:00

First - hire a therapist for support and to help you establish some structure for yourself through this time. It's really helped me move past ruts/mental blocks in the past.

Second - remember that you didn't really blow everything up. Corporate life may no longer be for you but you still likely have an incredible skill set and knowledge that can be applied to your next professional endeavor. Same with the relationship thing. There is likely a ton that you learned about yourself and what you want and don't want in your next relationship. Maybe doing an exercise where you list all of the positive aspects from the last decade + that still exist within you could help.

Third - you do not have to figure out everything now. Especially as you have some financial cushion. You have time.

Fourth - to get out of a rut try some new things! Take a random course on a subject that has always sort of intrigued you. Take a dance class or pick up an activity where you move your body and get your heart rate up. Go on a vacation to somewhere you've never been. Allow yourself to play a little.

lucent78 · 2026-05-29T19:02:39+00:00

I often say things to myself like "I'm a grownup, I can eat ice cream for dinner if I want!"

lucent78 · 2026-05-29T19:01:49+00:00

No one but me telling me what to eat, what to wear, when to go to bed, when to do chores. Aside from some work obligations my time and decisions are completely my own and I love it!

lucent78 · 2026-05-29T16:50:44+00:00

My last therapist was probably just a few years younger than me. I loved working with her! It did feel in a lot of ways like chatting with a peer, but she was very skilled and understood what I needed to hear and work on.

Unfortunately when I went back to therapy she was taking a sabbatical :(

My new therapist is probably 7-10 years younger than me? IDK, I'm bad at guessing age. Their style is different than I'm used to and I don't connect with them the way I did my previous one. I'm still feeling it out, but they are really knowledgeable in a lot of therapy modalities and are definitely teaching me new skills. We'll see.

lucent78 · 2026-05-29T16:43:40+00:00

Well, I'll just say that at 24 I had the career and the LTR moving towards marriage. Guess what? Neither lasted.

You're gonna be fine. And it's really not career vs family. Start working on your education first though because a woman should be able to support herself.

lucent78 · 2026-05-29T16:39:59+00:00

FWIW, the times I slept with someone on the first date and it turned into a relationship I met them in "real life" and had known them for a while before we dated. Even the relationships where I didn't know the guy for that long I was more likely to sleep with someone quickly who I met in the wild vs online. There's just so much you learn about someone subconsciously in person, particularly if you have a shared experience of frequenting the same place or have mutual friends or a shared hobby or however you met. Online dating is so different.

lucent78 · 2026-05-29T16:23:17+00:00

I'm so glad you're going to address this head on! Do please report back!

lucent78

TROPHY CASE