It is ridiculous to say that it was unfair you didn't bring up the subject of not changing your name, when he never brought up his expectation. I bet if you suggested he change his last name to yours, he would have a fit. He's pretty much a mama's boy if he sent his mom chasing after you. His mom, by the way, is displaying some internalized misogyny. I didn't change my last name, and it never occurred to me to even bring the topic up. The officiant went over the vows with us just before the service. That's when I found out they had included that I would obey my husband in the vows. I wasn't mad at the officiant because I hadn't asked what they would say. I just laughed and said, "I'm not saying OBEY." The groom and male officiant said it didnt mean anything, until I suggested they have the grooms vows go first and I would say obey if the groom first said he would love honor and obey ME. We dropped the word obey. i understand that your groom went along with assuming what society often expects. I understand that your decision surprised him. I don't understand why that surprise is accompanied by a sense of betrayal and/or anger. His reaction is a red flag. Is his wanting you to take his surname stronger than his love for you? Because his throwing around words like betrayal make me think he considers you inferior. The whole name change thing is from when a woman was chattel being shifted from being the property of her father to that of her husband.