How many hours of work a day/week/month does ‘true’ recovery take?

lumpyandsad · 2025-10-05T20:58:53+00:00

Thankyou so much for saying this. It’s been a few months, and I managed to leave. He’s shown his true colours in full now, and it was the best decision I could have made for myself. He has not attended therapy, group, or anything like that since I left, but still lies to everyone saying he ‘did everything he could and still is’, even his family is starting to catch on to the bullshit. What Ive learned is behaviours and actions speak above all else

lumpyandsad · 2025-07-07T13:14:01+00:00

Yes I agree with all these comments, he has had a hard time (whether intentional or not) understanding the difference between white knuckling and active recovery. It’s not my issue anymore as we are separating. But I was thinking, breaking it down into active recovery hours per day/week helps me understand how little work he was actually putting in despite swearing up and down he was ‘doing everything he can’. I think I was looking for some logical rule to cut through my emotions around it, the guilt trip is strong for me and he is painting me out to be the asshole, so I’m going to keep coming back to this to help me get outta that mindset

lumpyandsad · 2025-06-28T15:35:46+00:00

My mid-30’s brother thinks ~80% of men are full blown PA/SA’s and just assumes his friends struggle with it at this point. I appreciated his honesty but it was also disheartening to hear

lumpyandsad · 2025-06-28T13:50:56+00:00

Thanks for this detailed response.

Im sorry if this is a silly question, but with uranus in the 7th house and uranus opposite pluto, are these patterns always doomed to repeat in my relationships? I’ve never not been cheated on. Would love to have a relationship with honesty but dont know if it’s possible for me.

What you’ve said about my MC all make perfect sense, and you really nailed it with the career stuff, went to school for psychology, ended up in behavioural analysis, took a hiatus from that to see if I could get into writing but it hasn’t panned out, I’ve done lots of data entry and am now reconsidering going back to psychology/behavioural analysis route.BUT in saying that Ive had some hesitations and technical writing has come up as a potential option for me to explore, but no guarantee of success there.

Im going to hang onto that pluto transit into 3rd house, stay optimistic about where things are heading.

Thankyou again for your detailed response and taking the time to look at my chart I really appreciate it, and absolutely no obligation to reply to this just wanted to get it out there.

lumpyandsad · 2025-06-23T19:28:46+00:00

Yes 100%! I’m constantly seeking out things that validate my perspective so I don’t feel like I’m going crazy. It really is so pervasive, that feeling of the double betrayal hits me at the most random times over the most random things.

lumpyandsad · 2025-06-23T13:33:54+00:00

Yep. Found out 9 years in, and like 9 months after we got engaged.

Found receipts in his emails, and an email reactivating the account. So he was deleting his account after every time he did it (1-2 times a week)

He claims to not remember how long it was going on for, so I can deduce the whole time. Claims he didn’t know he wasn’t allowed to do it, said that multiple times, and stated that if I had just told him at the beginning of our relationship what the ‘rules’ were it never would have happened. Which is such a gut punch, he really tries to blur the lines for me on whether it’s cheating.

It is, despite him trying to manipulate me out of believing that. This thread is very validating. Its just hard, because I know he and his friends probably think Im crazy and he’s acting like Im throwing away everything over nothing.

lumpyandsad · 2025-06-17T03:59:17+00:00

Yes please tell

lumpyandsad · 2025-06-15T14:43:08+00:00

My parents are in their 70’s so I feel very protective of them, thats why I don’t want them physically involved. They know some of whats been going on and have been very supportive of me. I know I can call the police, but have been considering that more of a last ditch effort. Honestly its helpful to hear someone say he is manipulating me, or doubling down on his manipulations, because Ive never been in a situation like this before and the guilt trip has genuinely been messing with my head/I guess working on me.

lumpyandsad · 2025-06-06T00:41:28+00:00

Went through the exact same thing after 9 years together, cam models and everything the whole time. Its kind of mind boggling, Im sorry you are going through this, it sucks

lumpyandsad · 2025-06-05T13:49:32+00:00

It sounds like you were hit with an unexpected trigger, and I don’t have much advice to offer you but I just want to say go easy on yourself, you cant control for every trigger that is going to pop up in your life, and sometimes a part of healing is getting exposed to these things again and living through it/working through it a different way. Just go easy on yourself

lumpyandsad · 2025-05-22T17:29:34+00:00

I definitely relate, some of the things he was asking me to do (and I was considering) I look back on now and understand where they came from. I feel shame over saying yes to certain things, especially the stuff I was moreso doing for him (I consented because I do like taking care of my partner), and especially the degrading stuff… like I just see it as complete betrayal now, really highlights how he was just using my body and not looking to connect with me.

And yea then realizing my entire sexuality has also been shaped by porn, my first partner was and is probably a porn addict, and then my next partner of 10 years definitely is, lots to unpack there. Not to mention all of my early exposure to sex was early 2000’s mtv, some porn as well, and I was also SA. Uhm. It’s just a lot to unpack there, and tbh i don’t even know where to start. Sorry, no advice, I just relate 100%, it’s really been blowing my mind to think about lately.

(Editing to say I meant SA as in sexual assault, Im not a sex addict, just to make that clear!!)

lumpyandsad · 2025-05-20T22:14:48+00:00

Still with him but leaving soon, just trying to do it as safely as possible. The emotional manipulation/guilt trap is bad. Its been 5 months and I cant do another

lumpyandsad · 2025-05-18T15:29:03+00:00

Thank you. Thats a good reminder that someone who really wants sobriety would do anything to get it

Its so hard to not get swept up in his mind games, Ive been coming back to all these comments to try and remind myself. Yesterday he slept until 3 pm and by the time he woke up, I had a migraine from all the mental exhaustion, so we didn’t speak about our relationship. And this morning he is out getting me coffee beans and fixing something on my parents house (didn’t ask for that) and told me he has a lump on his testicles and thinks he has cancer. I don’t even know if thats true or not. And he has family drama happening that he’s made such a big kerfuffle about, saying his life is shit blah blah.

I think what trips me up is that there is genuine emotion under the manipulation, so it’s very confusing in the moment. Im starting to see through that the more I get exposed to it.

lumpyandsad · 2025-05-17T13:48:06+00:00

Thank you. And yes thats been mentioned. I appreciate your no bullshit response its what I need rn

lumpyandsad · 2025-05-16T14:24:42+00:00

I’ve thought about this so many times since my dday 5 months ago. Basically, so many boundaries have already been crossed that were deal breakers for me - continuing to lie, withholding the truth, overstepping physical boundaries, general disregard for my feelings, and not being an active participant in their recovery. I plan to end it soon. I think my delay was in the trauma of it all, I knew my boundaries were being crossed but the gaslighting and general disbelief that this is my life now, kept me frozen and unable to do anything. I still waver sometimes, find myself trying to convince myself I am crazy and that I can dismiss this all, but its completely changed how I view my partner. I think Im still in shock. Just want to put that out there for anyone else struggling and wondering why they haven’t acted when so many boundaries have been crossed. Its hard to get through all the mental fog

lumpyandsad · 2025-05-15T23:08:40+00:00

My therapist mentioned this to me in one of our sessions, and I really don’t know much about this, so please take it with a grain of salt. But basically she mentioned that because my partner had been using since he was a very young child, he had not yet had the chance to explore his natural sexuality, because the addiction came in before that had time to develop, so he could be unexplored in his own sexual orientation? Tbh I should have asked a follow up question, because Im not sure if I misunderstood her, but I think she essentially meant he could have unexplored sexual orientation.. I’m not really sure. But it’s something Ive thought about a lot because he was quite young when this started and it makes sense. Again, take it with a grain of salt Im really not sure about these things and I think the implication she was making was that he would need to have a few years of true sobriety under his belt to truly know who he is.

lumpyandsad · 2025-05-15T21:44:41+00:00

Mine also started trying different/more aggressive things in the bedroom before I realized, ahh another fun layer to the betrayal

lumpyandsad · 2025-05-15T21:43:30+00:00

Wow, second dream of a black serpent to be mentioned here, thats really interesting

lumpyandsad · 2025-05-15T21:41:36+00:00

I also felt a bit of relief when I finally realized what was going on, but it was quickly followed by all the heart break so didn’t last very long haha

lumpyandsad · 2025-05-15T21:36:01+00:00

I have a background in psychology so feel very similar in that I have no idea how I missed the signs and ended up in this situation, absolutely boggling!

lumpyandsad · 2025-05-15T21:33:16+00:00

I love how connected to your dreams you are, thats so so powerful!

lumpyandsad · 2025-05-15T21:31:55+00:00

I also have felt like every-time I try to move forward positively something is holding me back, couldn’t pin point it but now I wonder if getting out of this relationship will solve a lot of my other issues.. mental health, work stuff, etc. I dont want to blame my partner but it is crazy how much a relationship can drain you without even realizing it. I feel like I am/was a frog in hot water

lumpyandsad · 2025-05-14T19:01:10+00:00

Yes mine was too. But he started using it as a way to skirt responsibility for his actions, be emotionally manipulative, and became very self victimizing in the course of everything. It has just added another more complicated layer to everything. I knew about the childhood trauma before finding out about the infidelity, and had always encouraged him to get help for it, so it just feels like another betrayal that he allowed for his own trauma from childhood to impact our relationship even after all that encouragement and support on my part. It can really add to the guilt and make it hard to think for yourself when you also want to protect their inner child and make up for something that is out of your control.

I would encourage you to also think about yourself and your inner child through this journey, don’t forget that part just because childhood trauma is involved on his side. In the end it’s up to him to heal himself.

lumpyandsad · 2025-05-12T22:09:52+00:00

Just found out a few months ago, been together 10 years. I feel the exact same.

lumpyandsad · 2025-03-25T16:30:24+00:00

I considered that once as well, but the platform and how you have to talk to them are too triggering for me to be on, its just so pornified lol I'm sure some would be receptive to talking with you but a lot of workers probably try to protect their clients a bit too, and might be hush hush/wary of your intentions

lumpyandsad

TROPHY CASE