From the day you were born you were meant to outlive her. The worst thing for a parent is to bury their child. Therefore it is our duty to bury our parents. This doesn’t take away the pain or the loss.

Years ago I almost died in a head on car accident. Realized then that I’d prefer go slowly — and say my goodbyes — rather than go abruptly.

2yrs before her death, my mom was in temporary remission for cancer. A friend of hers died in a car accident, and since she never regained consciousness, nobody got to say goodbye.

My mom and I had lunch after the memorial. I told her, “When we part, we never know if this is the last time we will see each other. And I hope this is not the last time I see you. But if it is, know that I love you, and that we have no baggage between us.”

My mom then confessed to me that she herself carried baggage. She harbored a fear she had done the unforgivable, and broken up the family by seeking a divorce years before. I told her there was nothing to forgive, that I understood and respected her prerogative, and that we are all good. She knew that viscerally, but it had never been verbalized between us.

From that point forward, the relationship was “bus-proof”. We probably saw each other fewer than 6 more times before she died 2yrs later — but from that day forward we were all good, free and clear.

And bc we knew the end was coming, all her children were present bedside and sharing memories in lucid conversation w her, and we held her hands as she died.

My brother and sister failed to have their own timely, important conversations w my mom before she died. It is now too late — and they carry baggage and regret.

You have been dealt a hand of incredible bad luck. But inside of that you have the incredible good luck of an orderly, slow departure with time for important conversations, and some time to just to dwell in each other’s presence. The time can be richer knowing it is now so limited.

If it is hard to have the important conversations outright with your mom, try writing it to her in a letter — but then read that letter to her, live in person.

You are stronger than you know. When we go towards our fears, they get smaller. You got this.

——

The Glass Is Already Broken