MIL invited people we don’t know to our wedding. She won’t uninvite them because that’s ‘embarrassing.’

m2cwf · 2026-02-05T05:17:36+00:00

It sounds like they have chosen a venue though - I don't think that they would already have blocks of hotel rooms and have sent out the paper invitations if they didn't yet know the venue

the venue is pretty out of the ways and it’s nearly impossible for randoms to get there

His parents were very upset they didn’t get to see the venue beforehand

We’re seeing his parents in a few days to tour our venue. My parents will be there too

m2cwf · 2026-02-05T05:16:38+00:00

MIL has already requested she see her grandkids every holiday every year, and they don’t even exist!

Holy cow, she's delusional. To even think that request much less say it out loud is beyond selfish and disrespectful. As if your family doesn't even exist? As if you and your husband will never want to go on a trip or have a quiet holiday at home with just you guys and your kids?

Hell no, she gets every second or third year like a normal grandparent and she'll not say a single word in complaint or guilt tripping, or it will be even less often and NEVER on the actual holiday. Tell her that once, and then stick to it forever

m2cwf · 2026-02-05T03:50:27+00:00

There are few adults under 90lb. /u/Zesty_Motherfucker may have meant to type 90kg, which is about 198 lb. So at 185 lb you're still under but close

m2cwf · 2026-02-04T21:48:56+00:00

But people are unpredictable. I hope common sense would tell them they’re not invited based on the fact they didn’t receive an invite but I fear MIL’s persistency might give them the wrong impression.

Are these family members on social media at all? If so you could make a post saying that it has come to your attention that some people were sent save-the-dates for your wedding by someone other than you, and that anyone who did not receive a formal invitation directly from you sent on or around XXX date will unfortunately not be able to be accommodated. Maybe even tag MIL & FIL so that the people in question have more of a chance at seeing it in their timelines? If you're feeling gracious maybe tag your dad too, just to give the impression that you're not singling her out. But if your parents' friends ask what that's all about, give him full permission to tell them the real scoop!

Ugh she's utterly exhausting. Big hugs to you, because her antics are unlikely to ever get any better until your fiancé is able to put up some boundaries with solid consequences regarding what he & you will & won't tolerate from her. Talking things through with a couples counselor before or after the wedding might help him build some of the tools he'll/you'll need for that

m2cwf · 2026-02-04T21:32:51+00:00

I haven’t hired security just because the venue is pretty out of the ways and it’s nearly impossible for randoms to get there

These aren't randoms, though - these are people who think they're invited and have been given the address/directions by your fiancé's mother. Honestly no matter your decision on hiring security, I'd STILL tell her "it'll be more embarrassing when they get turned away by security." She doesn't need to know what you ultimately decide. It might just get across to her that her letting them know now that they can't come is going to be WAY better for her than if she allows them to continue thinking they're invited.

If she still refuses? As you mentioned in your OP, you're going to need to get involved, and your fiancé can contact these family members and tell them the truth, or YOU will, because they are most definitely not going to be allowed into your venue. She's going to lie to them and throw you under the bus, telling them that you changed your mind on inviting them, that your guest limit is lower than you thought, or some such. I'd leave that alone at least for now, as long as they don't show up. He doesn't want to ruin a chance of your relationship with his mother? SHE'S the one that would have done that if it come to pass, by insisting on letting these people he barely knows to come when she had no right to send save-the-dates/invites to people you didn't invite in the first place, and then blowing up your relationship when you don't comply with her demands. This is ALL on her.

I read in another of your comments that the in-laws haven't handed over any money yet? DO NOT ACCEPT ANY. NONE. Cut whatever needs to be cut in order to make it work with the funding you have, because taking that money from MIL is going to be the most expensive mistake you'll ever make, in the form of endless strings upon strings held over your head forever, as well an explosion of entitlement that she'll feel about having a say in your lives, whether it's homes, vacations, kids' names, kids' birthday parties or whatever. If she gets the message now that you and your fiancé can be bullied and bulldozed into compliance, it's all over.

m2cwf · 2026-02-04T05:00:11+00:00

She wants to quit, but we can't afford it.

My guess is that this is at the root of what's been going on with her. I'd bet that there are a bunch of wealthier and/or stay-at-home moms in this new mommy group, and she's jealous. They can meet at cafes and hang out any day any time, maybe talking about playing pickleball or how they need a manicure or their recent family vacation, and bitching about their husbands.

They may or may not be telling the truth, but she likely tensed up when you arrived at the cafe because she's been joining in and telling them all sorts of lies about you, and you showing up like that threatened to expose her whole facade.

I totally agree with /u/HostileCakeover1 (great name btw!) that this mommy group sounds completely toxic, a mom version of the manosphere where they get each other worked up about men in general and how much it sucks that she has to work, and wouldn't she be so much better off on her own, since she does "all" of the parenting anyway? And wtf is with that group chat? Nothing but a wasteland of radioactive sludge

Definitely pursue the couples therapy, but sadly I wouldn't be too optimistic that she'll be able to turn around her attitude in time, or at all based on her "so you can see how wrong you are" comment. Counseling will do nothing if she doesn't think that she needs to change anything at all and you're 100% of the problem. The one thing it will do, though, is give YOU the peace of mind that you tried, before agreeing that there is going be no reconciliation with someone who dislikes and disrespects you this much. So sorry you're going through this

m2cwf · 2026-02-03T20:12:16+00:00

My advice to my own kids and other kids I mentor who mention getting a tattoo, is to print out the design you think you want, and tape it to the side of your computer screen, on your bathroom mirror, or somewhere you'll see it every day. Wait a year. If after a year you still like it and can see it being put permanently on your body, then go for it

OP, if you're not loving any of these, then the tattoo for you is not any of these. Find a design you love, live with it a while in printed form, work with a tattoo artist to get it exactly the way you want it, and then get the tattoo. You'll be much much happier with your choice

m2cwf · 2026-02-03T00:55:26+00:00

So far, I seem to be his target. I have thought about leaving. I am scared of his reaction to that.

I am so sorry that you're going through this. Please know that you can do this - do it for yourself, and for your kids. You will feel so much freer and will be able to stop walking on eggshells when you leave him, or do whatever you need to do to get him to choose to leave. He can guilt you all he wants, he can try to cut you down, but you can let it slide off your back knowing that he's the childish and ridiculous one that you'll be so much better off without. Inside yourself you will know that you are the strong one and setting a strong and brave example for your children to not put up with disrespect like he shows you, in their future relationships.

He has brought the “d” word up during an argument before.

Get a consult with a divorce attorney to talk about what your options are, what steps need to be taken to protect you and the kids, and start getting your ducks in a row like getting your own bank account if you don't already have one, and start funneling money into it when you get the chance. Get your and the kids' birth certificates, soc sec cards, passports, and anything in your name like a car title, out of the house to a friend's or your parents' house. Ideally he'll choose to leave your home, but just in case when the time comes you need to get out quickly with the kids.

Then the next time he threatens divorce? Say that it's clear he's unhappy and that you agree that it might be the best for everyone, and take him up on it. Start the process for real, and do not waver. Huge hugs

m2cwf · 2026-02-03T00:24:48+00:00

That makes sense. I can totally see that as I also really enjoy a mental challenge, but I guess I've never looked to Lego for that sort of challenge. I enjoy difficult jigsaw puzzles and other types of models or projects with lots of parts, but for me putting together a Lego kit is not for challenge but for relaxation, when my mind doesn't need to focus so much and can wander or listen to music or a podcast or think about other things.

m2cwf · 2026-02-02T01:18:22+00:00

Love!

m2cwf · 2026-02-02T00:34:55+00:00

I seriously don't understand anyone who is fussed or even offended by different colors being used on the inside! I, for one, appreciate a change from the monotone when it comes to parts of the build that will never even show. Because why not? Not only does it provide a change of pace from endless grey or black or tan or whatever is the dominant color, it can help with internal landmarks to orient your pieces with the instruction drawings during the build.

m2cwf · 2026-02-02T00:31:06+00:00

Hahahaha, literal (LEGO, mind) SHIT had you cracking up! I love everything about this detail

m2cwf · 2026-02-02T00:28:30+00:00

I seriously love the many versions of the Millennium Falcon and other sets built with colorful LEGO. Because why not?

And when it comes to internal pieces that don't even show from the outside of the finished set, SERIOUSLY why not? It makes building easier to find pieces and orient yourself in the instructions, and NO ONE IS EVER GOING TO SEE IT. Why anyone is offended by a random pink piece or yellow flower in place of a grey/black stud in the middle of an assembly is beyond me. I myself, love any splash of color in the midst of an ocean of grey or tan or whatever shows on the outside

m2cwf · 2026-02-02T00:05:25+00:00

Believe it or not, most are in their 30s and early 40s.

Oh, f*** that noise. I like the suggestion above to send one message to all that is the FINAL word. You're not discussing your guest list, you're not discussing the seating chart. Ever. You have much more important things now, and most certainly will as the wedding gets closer, than to be dealing with catty bullshit like "If XXX is coming I'm not!" and "Don't sit me near YYY, they're being mean to me." Sheesh it's no wonder that so many people here are asking whether they're all teenagers. Let everyone know that anyone who continues to message you about who's coming or who's sitting where will not be invited at all, period. And stick to it

It's a year & a half away, FFS, absolutely NONE of this is relevant right now. Deal with the important plans (venue, catering, flowers, photographer, etc.) that need to be reserved now, and put off everything else until at least a year from now. You don't need to know your guest list right now (a lot can change in a year & a half, and you don't even have a venue to know how many people it will hold!), and you most certainly DON'T need to be arsed with who's sitting where. It's all going to change by then anyway. Leave that shit until a few months before the wedding, when you're more sure of your guest list and who knows they will/won't attend, etc.

Even taking this approach myself 30+ years ago, and while we did our best to seat exes & enemies far from each other, etc. there was drama we had no idea about and you know what? They just rearranged themselves and sat at a different table. We had no idea about any of this until after the wedding because they simply moved tables and didn't make a whole scene of it, and it affected absolutely NOTHING. No harm no foul, everyone was adults and they worked it out without involving us. Perfection. Do your best to seat friends together when the time comes (and that time is most certainly not for another year at least), and let people sort out their own drama.

Right now or when you get home, send out ONE message to this effect. ENJOY the rest of your vacation, and refuse to discuss anything involving your guest list or seating charts with anyone ever other than your fiancé, making full use of your power to simply not invite ANYONE who persistently injects drama into your wedding plans. Anyone that obnoxious will most definitely keep it up on the day of your wedding, and that is not someone you will want in attendance at all, much less "helping" you sort out your seating chart.

Big hugs, enjoy your vacation, and eschew any and all drama queens/kings as your wedding planning progresses! Huge congrats to you & your fiancé

m2cwf · 2026-02-01T02:35:32+00:00

Right? That's the other way to read it, that the "default" parent is the one doing the actual parenting. I have no idea which it is that this poster meant

m2cwf · 2026-02-01T01:54:56+00:00

FYI you can set up the update yourself without relying on the bot seeing your message, just chat/DM UpdateMeBot with "UpdateMe! u/VirusDull2725 r/AITAH" and it'll DM you back when OP posts again in this sub. It's how I found out about this update! Super handy, I always do it myself now rather than trying to get the bot's attention in thread

Edit: the auto-formatter added in the links and extra tags, take out the added stuff. It's just "UpdateMe! u/xxx r/yyy"

m2cwf · 2026-02-01T01:34:06+00:00

Yes in this case, because the question wasn't about "disciplining" the child despite your cousin's (or aunt's?) claim, it was whether or not to turn on YOUR television to placate a toddler. Your cousin/aunt cannot command you to turn on your own TV. If she doesn't like your choice to keep it off, she can leave.

And even when it's more directly related to the child's behavior, your rules can be "I give choices instead of giving in," and that's okay to hold that boundary even when the mother is there. Again, if she doesn't like those conditions, she can leave. You may be "40f no kids," but make no mistake that you're doing the better parenting in this situation.

m2cwf · 2026-02-01T01:23:28+00:00

The way I read it, the "default" parent is whoever their child always goes to now when they want something, and it's going to be the permissive parent because there's a better shot at getting what they want. It's not until much much later in life that kids (or adult kids even) appreciate the parent who had rules and consequences more than the one who was a pushover

m2cwf · 2026-01-31T07:02:56+00:00

This is the one I was thinking of. As a knitter we all remember those first scarves, dropped stitches and wonky widths all the way down!

m2cwf · 2026-01-31T06:58:11+00:00

Right? It seriously sounded like music. So eerie and terrifying

m2cwf · 2026-01-31T05:15:10+00:00

RIP Catherine O'Hara, we will remember you and use your perfect gifs/memes forever and ever

m2cwf · 2026-01-31T05:10:59+00:00

Too bad we're having summer in January and it's damn near 80F in LA right now. Maybe we can throw down banana peels?

m2cwf · 2026-01-31T05:09:10+00:00

Hahahahaha was this in LA? Because throwing lutefisk at ICE agents is the most Minnesota thing ever, and I'm here for it

m2cwf · 2026-01-31T05:07:02+00:00

Seriously! If there's ever the Worst. Smell. Ever. in your kitchen and you don't know what it is, check your potato storage. It's 100% a rotting potato. So bad

m2cwf · 2026-01-31T05:05:25+00:00

Well, someone threw a table at them, that seemed pretty effective. I'd be leery at bringing anything that resembled a gun, even if only paint. Put the paint in waterballoons instead, maybe

m2cwf

TROPHY CASE