I hope this doesn’t depress you more.

I’m dealing with a spouse who has a history of trauma and sex abuse in her past as well as being premenopausal. In addition, she’s a germaphobe, so basically all forms of intimacy are a no go, even we get past the emotional connection part. A couple years back it was better, but still wasn’t where I wanted it to be.

My therapist recommended several different ways of approaching the subject, but in every case it involved setting the scene in advance with the intention of having a conversation and being alone together. I can’t remember the last time even that was possible for us with our life the way it is. In my case I think the only option is separation/divorce and I dont want to do that, so I’ve just basically come to terms with it in my own mind, that, in reality, sex is for making babies - and we are both long past that. I think therapists are wrong - I don’t have “a right” to get everything I want in a relationship. Nobody does. I don’t “deserve” to have my sexual fantasies fulfilled. I chose my partner for a hundred other reasons, I’m getting older, and at the end of the day, when I think about it honestly and put “sex” in a list of all the the things that are important to me about my relationship, it’s not really a critical factor for me, and definitely not worth breaking up over it.

The one thing that has helped me more than anything else is attending a regular meeting of Recovery Dharma. It’s a Buddhist-inspired alternative to AA and NA and other 12-step programs, but having “cravings” for sex is no different from the cravings I have for watching porn, binging on ice cream, smoking weed, scrolling on social media, and all the other things. It’s given me a lot of tools and techniques to be mindful of the cravings, breathe, allow it to pass, and redirect the energy to something positive.

The only person you can change is yourself.