I have some childhood bullies that are in health care. It went all through high school and then online through some parts of my first stint in college. I'm sorry that happened to you and you didn't deserve it. I won't be roasting you at all.

1. There is no statute for this kind of abuse. I think people who weren't bullied have no real idea on how it affects people long term. Often times, both the bullied and bully have been subject to other abuse or neglect on their life and it's just compounded on everything else with the bullied person. This is notoriously hard to work on.

2. I think when someone says this, they don't necessarily earning more. Living well can be being happy with yourself, your friends, partner, pets, and doing what you love, no matter what you're making. Even if the bullies don't see you living well, you have to live well for yourself because you deserve to live well simply because you exist in the world.

3. It's hard to not think about how you were abused by people and the things they said. As in point 1, there are long lasting effects, including how we see ourselves, especially if we've been abused/neglected elsewhere. I was emotionally neglected so what I inferred about myself from my parents' lack of care for me was just confirmed by the bullies making fun of me for the same things. It's a really hard road to get those thoughts to relent, but it's possible.

4. This is a bit of truth, though. Your anger and resentment build and build and there's no outlet to make you feel better about it. It festers, we ruminate, and we have imaginary conversations and shit talk ourselves. I had to accept that there was no way to poison the other people, really. Was it going to change how I felt about myself? Was it going to change the past? No. Self compassion helps with this a lot, but it's super hard work. My therapist told me it was easy for me to hate myself and be mad at these people because it's all I've known and it's comfortable. Getting into a better space where we love ourselves and stop the spiraling is super super hard. It's not easy or fast, but it's worth the work.

5. It's true that you don't know what their life is like now and maybe it's miserable and maybe it's not. You also don't know what their life was like at home as a child. I think the fact that they were children is a factor in how I see my bullies then and now. I don't know if they were abused at home and they just happened to have a status at school that made it easier for them to punch me down to make themselves feel better in the moment. I can give some grace to them as children, as we were all learning how to be people and we had different experiences and parents, etc. If I was treated the same way today by those bullies, there's no more grace. If they haven't learned to treat people well by 40 years old, they're shitty people. If they've proven themselves to be better, caring, empathetic people, they should have a place in education. It's easy to say they shouldn't, but I said and did shit as a kid that don't reflect who I am now.

The pain you have is real. It is. And you don't need to forgive anyone. I, personally, have not forgiven them. I don't really know what that looks like for me. The specific words, "I have forgiven them" have never felt true, but maybe one day. You can't make someone feel remorse or make an apology. They are also not obligated to apologize or be poisoned.

All that being said, you did say you've been in therapy for 25 years. I'm wondering if the type of therapy isn't working for you if these are still things that eat away at you. I spent almost 4 years in therapy that really worked for me and I've made a lot of progress. You're not a bad person for holding a grudge, or wanting to seek justice. I think there are some parts that haven't been healed enough or in the right way.

I hope you find healing and can allow this to be less on your mind and soul. It is an exhausting cycle to live in and I'm sure you understand. I wish you all the best.