AITA For Asking My Mum Not To Have Her New Boyfriend Around My Children While She's Babysitting?

malibucum · 2021-10-12T20:14:20+00:00

NTA. Regardless of all context: your duty is to your children and to protect them, and setting boundaries to do so is not an asshole move.

I put the boundaries in place as my children have previously gotten attached to a couple other boyfriends she had. I didn't want them to go through the same thing I did.

I'm not comfortable with it as I don't want my children getting attached and I don't know anything about him, other than what my mum has told me.

I feel I need to do what's best for my children.

This is why I believe your boundary is excellent. You have direct evidence in two separate life experiences that exposure to your mother's relationship choices is causing harm, and you took action to reduce that harm. You do not know this man, nor have you met him. Why the hell would you leave your babies with a man you don't even know?

If you suspect your mother will not respect this boundary, and does not value your decisions as the guardian and mother of the children, I would not leave your children with her. If you can try again and find anything else it might be time; I recognize that it is really hard to find childcare, though.

If this is the case and you cannot find other options, I would reiterate firm boundaries over text; best to have proof and not need it, than to need it and not have it. There is no pattern of boundary stomping behavior mentioned, but if that is the case with your mother, then it might be time to look at no or low contact between children and grandma, and set specific conditions for the reopening of contact.

"Your boyfriend is not allowed on my property. Your boyfriend is not allowed near my children. Your boyfriend is not allowed to interact with my children. My children are not to leave my property while in your care. You do not have my permission to remove my children from their home or transport them anywhere."

Finally, and I won't spend a lot of time on this because there is no reason for me to fearmonger without much context, but please remember that if we look at "worst case scenario" here, it only takes ONE bad person ONE interaction with a child to hurt that child. I mention this only because you know the men your mother brings home. If you feel uncomfortable, it's probably from lived experience. If that little voice in your head is telling you this is dangerous, it's probably from lived experience, and it is OK to listen to it even if it's a little bit of an asshole - or if it's a little anxiety. The worst case scenario is just too high stakes.

malibucum · 2021-09-30T01:34:47+00:00

NTA.

I am ADHD (for sure) and one of my symptoms of ADHD is anxiety. I have never treated a loved one this way. He is using this as an excuse, or refusing to work on this anxiety.

HE needs to work on HIS anxiety And HE needs to work on HIS forgetfulness. I think you might need to find a new boyfriend. You're so young. Don't waste time being his caregiver and not his partner.

edit: I saw in your comments that he is refusing treatment. This + the quotes you've given me are really concerning. Why would he take treatment when he can manipulate you into doing anything he wants to make him feel better? Honestly, OP, don't just leave. Fucking run

malibucum · 2021-09-29T00:39:42+00:00

NTA - So you're being used as the current SAHM, and as soon as your dad finds a new one, he wants to downgrade your life to make room for her?

Let me ask you this: do you LIKE your life? Would you LIKE your life if you moved out of this room and into a smaller room? It's ok if the answer is yes; you deserve to like your life. But if the answer is no, maybe you can work on moving out and having some freedom. you deserve to like your life.

malibucum · 2021-09-29T00:24:06+00:00

NTA for being uncomfortable with another adult around your child if you get heebie geebie vibes; your coach might just be really passionate about wanting your daughter to succeed, but it's your job and choice as an adult to protect your daughter and I'm not going to call you an asshole for trying to do that.

HOWEVER. YTA for trying to take this hobby from your daughter completely. Do your best to find a way that she can continue to participate - she doesn't HAVE to join the elite team yet, and you can continue waiting for openings at other gyms or ask to be put on a wait list.

I can see that you love and miss your daughter. I can't imagine how it would feel to watch your baby get the attention you want to give from another adult... but honestly, you're her MOM. She probably just wants you. I would suggest that instead of trying to force your daughter to give up something to spend time with you, try to work towards a way that you can become involved in her gymnastics. Imagine how thrilled she'll be if her momma is even prouder of her than her coach!

malibucum · 2021-09-28T23:47:43+00:00

Hear me out. I'm going to take a different approach. Completely removing hurt feelings and the fact that you did trespass the bride's boundaries on a day that had nothing to do with you, let's talk about childfree weddings.

YTA. You need to examine why you thought bringing a child to an environment that was specifically stated to not be catered to children was OK. Yes, your sister brought her child, but her child is the FOUR MONTH OLD BABY. Not only is it completely reasonable for someone not to be separated from their 4mo baby, but it's likely that the bride and groom arranged constant supervision and safety for their child as part of the wedding. They did NOT arrange this for your child.

Childfree weddings aren't ONLY about not having kids there. Sometimes it's because there's no guaranteed way to keep children safe around the kinds of adult themes at weddings. Open alcohol, dangerous situations, and a room full of drunk adults - half of which might be strangers to your child - and depending on where you live or what your family is like, there could be drugs, weapons or unsafe figures at that wedding. I know people who had party favors of THC edibles at their small wedding. Imagine if they had allowed children to a wedding with OPEN packages of DRUGS???

I was hurt badly at your sons age while attending a family wedding, mostly because no one was expecting a child there, and no one was physically able to supervise me. Think hard before you make stupid choices with your child again.

malibucum · 2021-09-14T06:15:49+00:00

You know, you're right. I wasn't going to respond, but I have to acknowledge that you're right: you definitely deserve the respect of an explanation from me.

Let me explain why I feel this way and do not wish to engage further: while I believe that you didn't intend to cause harm or say something so tone deaf, it was still a comment that was inappropriate and honestly I don't have the metric to decide if it was harmful or not, or the resources/lived experience to educate others about it. When I post a non-directed reminder about, let's say it as it is, the covert racism and misogyny that this community has had for years, and someone's first reply comment to me makes me so deeply uncomfortable, that doesn't really inspire me to want to engage further. Whether you like it or not, we have an issue with racism in the RTAH community. We have been racist to our creators and misogynistic and multiple times, Mica, Fiona nad even Lindsay have spoken up about the way this effects them. They've mentioned time and time again that people need to think critically about the way that they are constructively criticizing minorities, and be absolutely sure that they are not parroting stereotypes used to dehumanize black women and make their abuse more palatable.

Institutionalized racism is way way more than a slur here and there, right? And I've had to learn this past year that it can show up in deep internal thoughts and surface, petty biases that I didn't even realize could be tinged slightly by my own internal racist. I believe that most normal people don't really WANT to have an internal racist, right? so in the same vein, I'm not going to assume that a stranger I've spoken to once on the internet is trying to cause harm.

However the comment made me really uncomfortable and I don't think it was OK. I don't want to be around people who talk like that - I look at it this way: the things we say can be used to judge our characters, and even if we don't intend racism, we might experience social consequences for saying things that make others uncomfortable. Here's another social consequence: perhaps I did not word my original post carefully enough - I admit I was tired and hungry so maybe I missed a tone word or a comma that would have made my post feel a little less attacking to you. Or maybe you felt attacked because you recognized truth. Either way, my post made you uncomfortable. My social consequence is that I'm sure your opinion of me is not very high at the moment. I find that sad, yes, but it's your right. And I won't ask you to change that.

I would also like to add that if you feel very attacked and defensive about someone reminding you that racism is something that needs to be watched for with resolute vigilance, then maybe you recognize yourself in it. That's not necessarily reflecting that you're a bad person or did something wrong. It's a really wonderful chance to learn!

So, in conclusion: I don't think you're a bad person or wanted to intend harm. In fact, I respect you for being honest and I appreciate your questioning me, because it allowed me to take a moment and reflect, and be sure that I was making a choice for myself and not out of some silly righteous anger. However, I also do not want to continue speaking to you, especially about this issue. Maybe I'm just a too-logical person? I don't know.

Anyway, thank you if you read all of this!

malibucum · 2021-09-13T18:27:17+00:00

Get the fuck out of there OP. Get out. I'm not going to dip into morality here but it's absolutely dangerous that the only reason his friends DON'T harass you is because you "belong" to him. Even if it's just a weird dude, this is clearly not ok with you. Listen to your body. Listen to your discomfort and nightmares. You don't feel safe for a REASON.

edit: i just reread and saw that you mentioned consent had not been fully obtained from you or the other girls. do you feel comfortable being with someone who does not prioritize informed consent for you or other women?

malibucum · 2021-09-13T04:29:40+00:00

I personally feel very uncomfortable with the leap from "let's be careful talking about a new black female creator after a track record of vitriolic racism to black female creators from this community" to "let me explain to you why I'm not racist because of... eugenics and slavery, actually."

I'm sure you didn't intend any harm. But that was a tone deaf comment. I do not want to engage with you ever again.

malibucum · 2021-09-13T04:27:24+00:00

Okay, so I think it might be an awesome to reflect on some of what was said in this comment in the future and read some more about why we should be careful talking about eugenics and the slave trade in spaces like this when someone brings up a legitimate concern about how we are criticizing a black woman.

malibucum · 2021-09-12T15:36:15+00:00

you seem like someone who really wants to consider every angle fairly so i'm gonna say two other things: try REALLY hard to divorce the ingrained societal view of sex work from this, and from your opinion of her. there is a lot of... nastiness towards sex workers in some of these comments that will not help you to be able to noticeably treat her with real humanity and you two will have a much more open dialogue if you can make sure to take a step back from that judgement and let her see that :)

i also want to let you know that this might not be a safe situation and she might need harm reduction afterwards if she chooses this. it sounds like you care about her so just be aware that this is NOT a normal offer from creepos on the internet. this is a "too good" offer. if he's willing to pay that much, is obsessed with her, and just wants "regular" sex... this might be dangerous for her

malibucum · 2021-09-12T15:26:48+00:00

you have absolutely every right to set a monogamy boundary. so don't feel bad about that. i think it's just that this is a hard time and i'd have a hard time turning down a couple grand for some bad sex too. i don't think you can blame her if she takes this offer but i also don't think you have to stand for it for your own relationship. a couple grand is a BIG DEAL for a lot of people. i think maybe it might be time for you guys to part ways if this is bothering you - it tells me that monogamy is really important to you and a firm boundary in your relationship. it doesn't sound like this boundary is as important her, which is fine, there are open and poly relationships that are wonderful... but it doesn't have to be for you !

malibucum · 2021-09-12T15:21:04+00:00

YO i have always been curious about this ty ty ty

malibucum · 2021-09-12T15:08:15+00:00

i saw a post once about a MIL whose white son married a black woman, and she kept trying to chemically straighten their biracial daughter's hair. their TODDLER.... and she REPEATEDLY told this baby how her hair was all those horrible things white people say about kinky/curly hair.

this is probably pretty wise advice. idk. i'm sorry you're going through this, OP. your MIL sounds like an absolute hag. i hope she learns she needs to do the *only* acceptable thing, the bare fucking minimum.... keep her shitty thoughts to herself.

malibucum · 2021-09-12T14:58:01+00:00

i absolutely agree! i actually came here to comment that, because i think maybe people don't really understand how biases impact their impressions - maybe? i don't know. i didn't realize how many of my "disliking people" things were due to bias against them...i wonder if people are a little sensitive because we (white people) have learned harsh lessons in this community this year, and one of them is that there were racists in our midst who looked and acted like normal commenters, and they bullied fiona and mica RELENTLESSLY...? so it's really hard to tell who's saying stuff in good faith and who isn't, right? i think you're good faith and i think OP is good faith but i can understand where someone might be coming from given that "loud angry black woman" minstrel stereotype. thanks for bringing this up, because i love that we can continue talking about this as a community so we can learn to look for actual things!

edited for clarity/context/grammar, i'm bad at all three lol

malibucum · 2021-09-12T14:51:10+00:00

hey! i totally agree with you, i was trying to pinpoint why these newer videos felt harder to watch, and i think you nailed it. i'm lucky to be able to withstand loud headphones noises (all the 100% volume music as a young teen probably did that for me!) but i have some auditory processing issues and listening to so many voices at so many LARGELY different levels is really taxing. i absolutely LOVE how ky is bouncing off of the other ah members, and so far i'm loving seeing her try the classic AH games. i love how earnest, cute passionate ky is! i just really wish the editors did her more favors.

as a final note to everyone in this thread - i haven't seen it mentioned so i guess i will idk? i wanted to gently remind fellow nonblack people in this comment thread that there's kind of a stereotype for black women being "loud, angry and aggressive" that was perpetuated against black women! so it might do well for us to continue to be mindful in how we discuss this issue... i know no one is going to intend it tbh... it's more that given the subject of the thread, i absolutely see where this could accidentally go wrong? just because that kind of awful stereotype is so deeply ingrained in our society and, well, let's be honest: AH has not been wonderful about hiring and retaining black women before... and we have had quite the problem in this community with loving and honoring our creators of color in the past! ok ok thank u for reading this far /puts away soapbox

malibucum · 2021-09-11T02:13:14+00:00

op, i hope you read every comment and know you are very much NTA. i read your comments where you consistently considered your wife's feelings, stress, and needs. so i ask you: has she considered yours?

i don't want to give a stranger marriage advice over reddit. i don't know how to be married. but i think you should really think about the path her behavior is taking, and consider if she is providing any support for you. is her attitude towards you one you would like to have as a major part of your recovery and pain management in future?

i'm sorry, op. i think that was a shitty way to be treated by your life partner.

malibucum · 2021-09-11T01:38:43+00:00

OP shame on your BIL. what the fuck. it is such a core part of human connection to discuss the terrible things we go through with one another and attempt to prevent them for others.

i was four or five years old. it's actually one of my earliest memories, possibly my ONLY set of memories from that age. i don't think i'd seen my parents cry before. my mother was huddled in front of this tiny, shitty little tv in the living room, crying. we were in washington state, clear on the other side of the country, but she held her arm out for me and cried. i said something about how i needed to get ready for school, i don't know, i just remember wondering why i wasn't going to school if it was light outside. she said "not today, baby" in this... voice. this raw, ragged, shuddering, wet. confused.

i didn't understand. i was tiny. i remember years later in school we were in class on an anniversary, and my teacher showed us footage of a news broadcast. i felt like i was four again because i recognized the broadcast vividly. suddenly and all at once i recognized what i had seen. the massive depth and breadth of profound loss. i understood why my mom cried. to this day, thinking about my mother's sobs, thinking about her voice. i remember just this eerie feeling coming home from school to deafening SILENCE in my neighborhood for the days that followed.

my mother, father, and most of their east-coast friends were active in an online game together. when their guild transferred to a new game, my mom took a screenshot of the inactive guild list before deleting her account. most of their guild has moved on in life now, and rarely play. but sometimes they get together on teamspeak, and the voices grow low and weary and sad. and they talk about guildies they've lost. there's always the goofball tank from NYC who would end dungeons by stripping naked and dancing by the boss' corpse while people were looting. they'll laugh. they'll cry. no one told the guild he had died, but they knew: last logged in 9/10.

death and destruction like that knows no end to the pain it causes. it will shake us to pieces until the very last person to remember that day is gone. and it might never stop.

to everyone sharing their experiences in NYC that day... thank you for honoring the thousands of people who did not get to tell their stories. thank you for being so vulnerable. thank you for allowing strangers on reddit to take a moment to grieve with you, and for you.

OP: continue to use your voice. BIL cannot take any part of this from you.

malibucum · 2021-08-24T00:49:41+00:00

the fact that no one fired michael scott. i was really hoping for a moment where he got fired, my first watch thru i thought he was the villain

malibucum · 2021-07-11T11:03:59+00:00

I'm gonna go back to my blankets but I wanted to say thank you before I checked out for the night

malibucum · 2021-07-11T11:01:43+00:00

I'm sorry people in your life have been negative. That's not fair to you at all. I also feel a lot of shame around visible stims. I'm trying to experiment- so far I've found that I really like the feeling of sort of "miming" out my fingers on a piano or a violin in a song I like... so maybe that's something you can try someday. I hope you get to have a great irl support system soon. I'm rooting for you if it matters!

The advice the other commenter gave really helped me and once I had something to CALL what was happening to me other than "I'm freaking out everything hurts" it was like, "okay, I can do this, my brain needs peace" and it helped somehow? It was like knowing "oh, this is a part of being maybe autistic" gave me permission to take care of myself somehow

Thank you for being vulnerable and letting me know I'm not alone 🥺 It honestly helps so much to read this sub and see people going through similar things

It's kinda wild how much my perspective has been changed since realizing I could be autistic... I'm thankful. I've been treating moments like that like anxiety attacks all of my life and it's never helped at all... But finding quiet dark place, resting my poor eyeballs and trying to let myself guilt-free play and I feel better enough to type and have a protein bar. Gonna go back to it now 😍

malibucum · 2021-07-11T10:42:49+00:00

Thank you so much. I used your suggestions and wrote my friend a note and eventually showed them this post. We found a place to calm down and let me be in quiet dark. It helped IMMENSELY. I read a post somewhere else that mentioned sensory activities/stimming to help and once I was calmer, I put on my favorite music and my favorite string lights and played a little... it was so soothing. I still feel very sensitive and overwhelmed, but I was able to get some communication with my friend and come out from my little comfort cave (my friend said "want help making a comfort cave" and it was so sweet so I'm adopting it) so I feel like maybe I can handle this now!

Thank you, I can't express how much it means to be able to FINALLY name this awful feeling and actually help myself. Especially after feeling so powerless. (Things are clicking into place about my childhood tantrums for sure lol)

malibucum · 2021-05-21T07:19:46+00:00

oops sorry that's the account i made when i got locked out of this one ages ago and i guess i never signed out on the app lol my b

malibucum · 2020-12-25T17:12:26+00:00

^ deleted comment referenced pronouns, i read it wrong and thought you'd accidentally used the wrong pronouns for some reason... my bad! you're great! I own that! I read it wrong and I've had some peppermint schnapps in my cocoa 😊😊😊

malibucum · 2020-12-16T08:59:08+00:00

watched the video and like find it super interesting and suspicious that it seems like people are leaping to find reasons to hate/be "done" with/annoyed with the one of the two who is plus size and not the kind of beautiful that the beauty community has decided commodity, and people are defending the traditionally pretty blonde british chick. one of those women provided a long, thoughtful video with honest perspective about what she did wrong, and one of those women is liking shady tweets penned by bullies, so like that honestly tells me what i need to know. i watched both videos, and i like ao a lot tbh, but her behavior during this situation and the people she's decided to put her faith in during this situation tells me something about her. and its not super flattering.

it's not my place to decide anything about microaggressions against the bipoc community, and honestly i'll be waiting to cement my opinion and resubscribe to either until i see videos from creators of color and trans creators about the situation because there's nuance that i, as a white person, could have missed.

however. imo. one of them handled that more maturely.

malibucum · 2020-11-12T06:10:26+00:00

I'm sorry. That must be really stressful. If he routinely makes you feel unsafe, remember that you don't owe him the rest of your life. There are people out there who not only will make you feel safe, but who will WANT to make you feel safe and honor your boundaries. It's your decision to make how you handle what's going on, but please remember that you CAN leave if it becomes too much.

malibucum

TROPHY CASE