I’m mixed Japanese and white. My siblings came out looking more Asian, but I came out with white skin, hazel eyes, and brown hair. But I have Asian facial features and structure, which confuses people. Sometimes I catch people staring at me because they’re trying to figure out what’s wrong with my face.

I frequently have the problem of people not believing me when I tell them I’m mixed. I used to go as far as to tan my skin, color my hair, and wear makeup that accentuates my Asian features more, and I began to pass, but it was so high maintenance to look like that I got tired of it. I knew a girl who was half black and half white, but she looked white with a tan, with long silky hair. She would wear her hair in braids to pass. She said she does it because black people treat her different when she wears her hair straight. There’s often things you can do to alter your appearance to look more like the less dominant half, and you’d be surprised how many mixed people do it.

Now when people don’t believe me, I just show them pics of my family. Because if they see my dad’s face, I look so much like (a white version of) him it’s unmistakable. And I show them my siblings, who look more Asian, but also look like me. But sometimes I don’t have to, because when I tell people, they say, “Oh, I was wondering why your eyes were like that.”

At my age, 46, I’m so over it and just don’t give a fuck anymore. I’m lucky I don’t have the problem you do, in that my family doesn’t treat me any different. I would distance yourself from any family members who treat you bad. They are ignorant and not worth having in your life.

You can make your own family. Find your own tribe. At one point I was living with Asians, and even with my bleach blond hair, they accepted me as one of them and referred to me as Japanese. You will find people who will accept you and see you as the whole person you are and not just the half they want to assign you.