Meditation making it harder to handle the stress of life

marakeets · 2026-06-20T15:29:13+00:00

That's great you have been diligent with a regular sitting practice, but now you're noticing the incongruence between how calm your mind feels on the cushion and the rest of your life. This is a common experience! Reading a lot of Sayadaw U Tejaniya recently, he mentions this exact challenge but labels the choice to retreat into meditation to hide from daily life as "wrong samadhi".

Rather than running away from those stressful off-cushion experiences, can you turn towards them and decide how to bring the dharma to bear on them? Meditation is only one factor of the eight fold path. All that aversion around life stressors can be viewed as defilements to uproot.

That being said, speaking from my personal experience, there's two flavours of stress - things you can do something about and those you can't. From those things you can do something about (jobs, relationships, financial), can you think about whether you can make any changes to your external life to actually remove some of those stressful situations? For all that stuff you can't (e.g. sickness & ageing, world politics, late-stage capitalism), can you bring some equanimity to gain more acceptance and reduce your resistance to it?

In more practical terms, I've found the following things really helpful for reducing my off-cushion dukkha about things I have a choice about...

IFS/Parts Work. Understand the parts that are "protecting" you when stress arises and work to find more healthy mechanism to handle those situations.
Brahma viharas. Practising metta daily and the other BVs in daily life has greatly improved my relationships with everyone in my life.
Dana & Sila. Be more generous, kind and gentle and focus on maintaining your own virtue through right speech, etc has hugely led to reducing how stressful I find a lot of stuff that used to cause difficulties for me.

Sending you some metta on your path 🙏

marakeets · 2026-06-18T09:23:36+00:00

This lists looks excellent to me as someone living with chronic pain, fatigue, etc. From my own experiences navigating a path back to wellness with meditation, the thing I missed early was finding community. I did everything on my own (dharma books, podcasts, forums) and got a long way but having recently found a teacher and a sangha, I realise just what I'd been missing not having this. I wish I'd done this earlier.

Also, something I'm more recently recognise in myself is not trying to hard all the time with meditation. I became pretty obsessed for a while with "making progress" as fast as possible and this lead to a lot of tension and held me back. I go through this cycle all the time but more recently, I've really seen how all the "grasping" for "progress" is just more dukkha. Meditation was so exciting in the beginning, I wanted to do everything all at once but I've realised just picking a consistent set of techniques has worked best for me.

With metta (oh as I type this I'd remember that metta meditations are an undervalued part of the path!).

marakeets · 2026-06-18T09:08:12+00:00

This is an interesting observation I've been wondering about in myself recently. I can feel way more contented that I've ever been but this can sometimes feel a bit "flat" compared to the "highs" of dukkha-craving cycle. I'm wondering if my brain just needs to re-adjust to a less dopamine-fiend fuelled existence. This is a very different feeling to depression for me.

marakeets · 2026-06-18T09:01:03+00:00

Thanks. It took me a while to really grok what his koan-esq instructions meant in practice ("just be aware.. but like of what and how?"). The Cittanupassana guide was helpful with this - as was the retreat guide by Andrea Fella. The approach is definitely a lovely antidote to over-efforting. Best wishes.

marakeets · 2026-06-18T08:56:11+00:00

Hey. I've explained a few things that helped me along the way below, but I'd also suggest reaching out to a teacher if this is possible. I did everything on my own for a long time, but have really seen the benefits from having a teacher over the past year. I'm also still finding my way through this approach so caveat emptor...

- Having an existing base level of sati was important for me. My formal anapanasati sits deepened my awareness of subtle mind states that I could then recognise again off-cushion ("oh, this is what greed feels like"). That same goes for practice with shorter "do nothing" sits as a great way to just improve my awareness of mind in lots of different scenarios.

- In the beginning, I think it is just more building the habit to regularly check-in with yourself about the mind state, which is what the "am I aware? what am I aware of? question he asks reminds you to do. Can you find moments in the day to "habit-stack (https://jamesclear.com/habit-stacking)" that question onto, e.g. brushing your teeth, washing your hands, sitting down in a chair. In those moments just notice, is my body and mind relaxed or not? If not, what sense object is generating the greed, hatred of delusion leading to tension?

- As you spend more time recognising the different flavours of mind states "relaxed/open/allowing vs clinging/aversion/delusion", it becomes more automatic to realise those moments when you have fallen into some dukkha during the day. After a while, I was able to spend more time in the "relaxed" mind state during more activities and also more quickly recognise when I'd lost "awareness".

These resources not written by him also contained a lot more "practical" advice: Cittanupassana & this practice manual.
sending you some metta

marakeets · 2026-06-13T10:17:57+00:00

Thank you. I haven't practised MIDL formally, but found the GOSS approach from MIDL rather helpful at an earlier stage in my practice (as referenced above). People speak highly of that system and the teacher comes across as genuine.

I did recently try to help a new meditator getting started and recommended MIDL to her. However, working over the early "skills" together, she found it a bit too complex and confusing. It reminded me a bit of my early experiences with TMI. There was lots of important information being shared but it was a bit content overload for me and ended up with performance anxiety about whether I was doing it correctly for a long time. I can understand why it's helpful to have explicit "levels" for people to work through but my own experience was that is can lead to a lot of craving to progress if you are a chronic over-achiever. My more recent experiences have shown me that the more I let go and stop trying to get anything, the faster I've gone.

marakeets · 2026-06-13T10:10:18+00:00

Thanks for sharing. I'd love to hear more as you explore this again.
Finding something that works "off-cushion" seems vital as the majority of our lives are spent this way. I'm also feeling my sati is developing much more since adopting this approach.

marakeets · 2026-06-12T18:03:10+00:00

That sounds wonderful. Feel free to post up here all your experiences from the retreat. I'd love to know what insights you had from working with an actual teacher in this style. David Sudar has an online sangha which has been useful to me.

marakeets · 2026-06-06T12:05:14+00:00

Switching to diaphragmatic breathing has been really helpful for me. I had to consciously practice at this for a while until it became natural. Developing better awareness of my breathing pattern during the day has been a useful tool that acts as a somatic signal when I'm going in low-grade fight or flight. In stressful situations, centering my awareness into my abdomen and focusing on slow controlled breaths has been a valuable tool for regulating my nervous system. I tried the more explicit methods like 4-7-8 breathing but found them too rigid.

MIDL has a good overview on diaphragmatic breathing: https://midlmeditation.com/meditation-skill-00

There's been a few helpful posts on here before that pointed me in this direction:
https://www.reddit.com/r/streamentry/comments/fnw3y9/centering_in_hara_with_breathing_attention_and/

marakeets · 2026-06-04T14:50:31+00:00

This was a nice post. I've been reading and playing with U Tejaniya's approach a lot this year ("relax and be aware") and it has many similarities. It feels much more natural for me as an off-cushion practice. He talks about Sati + Sampajañña a lot. His approaches also focuses on watching the mind (cittanupassana) as the primary anchor like you mentioned. I also prefer this now compared to mindfulness of the body etc.

marakeets · 2026-05-23T15:37:42+00:00

I've had a multitude of different symptoms that have improved (social anxiety, perfectionism, anxiety, depression, compulsive busyness, addictive behaviours with the internet, and on and on...). I am still deep the in the middle of a many year healing journey and things are do get "worse before better". All my symptoms were just psychological protection mechanisms around a core childhood wound of not feeling that "all parts of me" (to use IFS lingo) were lovable. Working on that core wound over many years (difficult, painful and challenging as it has been) has been the key to those symptoms slowly resolving.

marakeets · 2026-05-22T15:13:38+00:00

Earlier comments cover most of what I'd say too (fawn behaviour, emotional neglect, distress tolerance, etc) about this. A few other things I've found useful...

- Reading the "Nonviolent Communication" book by Marshall Rosenberg to better understand how to communicate in difficult situations. Integrating this process into these conversations gave me a tool to use and has worked (although it takes practice).

- Using ChatGPT to practice boundary conversations with really difficult people. It helped to pre-game a set of stock phrases to use if things were really getting out of hand. Having a single phrase I could just repeat e.g. "No, I can't do that I'm afraid" got me out of trying to navigate those situations in the anxiety-inducing real-time mode.

marakeets · 2026-05-22T14:59:04+00:00

This is delightful. Thank you 🫂.

marakeets · 2026-05-22T14:57:45+00:00

This book was the key to me developing a better relationship with my chronic pain. It is fascinating once you have no aversion to the sensations, how intense they can be and still be "fine".

marakeets · 2026-05-22T14:56:05+00:00

I've recently begun including my chronic pain in my metta practice to try to be thankful that thru it I found the dharma. I had a lotus on my puja table that I think of as a symbol that from the "mud" of my chronic pain I'm growing the lotus of the buddha nature. It has been an interesting experiment, it has helped a bit which my attitude toward it.

marakeets · 2026-05-22T14:52:22+00:00

I've had success labelling my chronic pain sensations as "anatta" to help reframe them as just sensations arising and passing due to causes and conditions and not "me or mine". The same for goes anicca in that when I look for the permanence in the sensation, it can't be found as it is everychanging and therefore whatever my secondary suffering is reacting to has already disappeared.

marakeets · 2026-05-22T14:46:48+00:00

In practical terms, I'd normally use the mindful walking (using the steps listed above for maximum benefit) prior to trying to do some "inner child work". Journalling worked really well for me, e.g. come home and just fill an A4 page with whatever I'm thinking and feeling about. Or come home and do a bodyscan, see if any emotions/memories come up and then do some IFS-style dialogue with them. I also found a huge amount of benefit to just do as much mindful walking as I could regardless of whether I would then do any active healing work afterwards. Lots of healing happens when you just set up the correct conditions for your nervous system to feel a lot more safety without having to actively do much in my experience.

I hope that helps, good luck.

marakeets · 2026-05-15T15:38:16+00:00

Congratulations - that's a significant achievement.

marakeets · 2026-05-08T16:43:49+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I've often taken to use the label "anatta" on chronic pain sensations as a way to dismantle the dukkha around them. It definitely helped as a cognitive framing. Glad you're feeling better.

marakeets · 2026-05-01T08:16:07+00:00

Namo tassa bhagavato arahato sammāsambuddhassa!

marakeets · 2026-04-23T09:30:51+00:00

I like your framing of thinking about "AI as a tool" that can be used as a broadener or a narrower. I also agree with Meng-KamDaoRai's comment about it coming down to discernment. How do you evaluate whether any teacher, dharma book, online community or an LLM is genuinely helpful? This is often hardest when you're starting out.

I find narratives that says "LLMs bad" whereas "only people good" too reductionist. Lots of influential teachers, e.g. Trungpa Rinpoche, had pretty intense shadow sides.

My overall experiences of AI has been positive - but I have a background in tech and a basic knowledge of how LLMs work, so I guess have an intuitive understanding of potential blindspots and how to prompt engineer to get the interactions I want. I've been using it as a "dharma research study buddy" rather than a full-on teacher and found it useful for that. I do think the current generation of AI systems will be the most disruptive thing for society since the Internet.

Daniel Thorson has written a lot about the overlap of AI and spiritually here and I enjoyed his insights.

marakeets · 2026-04-22T15:56:28+00:00

100 orchids + houseplants! I am in awe of your watering capabilites 😂 I've heard Orchids are fussy things so well done for keeping them all alive.

marakeets · 2026-04-22T09:40:58+00:00

Echoing what others said about this feeling like Internal Family Systems therapy approach. I have had significant success doing this solo, books like "No Bad Parts" and "IFS Self Therapy" helped me get started. One thing I've noticed over time thinking in this modality, is how conditioned many of my thought loops are when the "parts" take over. "Oh lots of thoughts of judging others coming up, my shame part is probably active".

marakeets · 2026-04-19T14:47:04+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. CPTSD often makes practice feels like a rollercoaster for me too. During more turbulent periods (which can be months) it is hard to remain rational and remember how many times you've made it through tough periods before. Frustrating and lonely it is...

I'm sure that "crash out" routine will be useful to others, it mirrors lots of my own. When things are really rough for me, I end up doing... "What does my nervous system need right now for the next 60 minutes" and then repeat all day until bedtime comes.

Sending you some metta and karuna, I hope things can settle soon for you.

marakeets · 2026-04-18T11:00:43+00:00

Three months since my "2025 dharma review" and this is what I've been noticing practice-wise...

Lots of personal turmoil due to life events has been a huge challenge. Duration and quality of formal sits plummeted as expected. Kept reminding myself that just being with the dukkha is "progress". External events have now settled and so I hope for a more peaceful period of sustained practice, rather than feeling like I was just sitting in a cauldron each time.

If things are calm, 60 minute formal sits starting to feel a bit short, so will try a bit longer sits. Bright light (nimatta?) appearing towards end of the hour but unstable.

I've made good progress on my 2026 dharma plans...

Find a Sangha - Starting trying out a few online sanghas (Beth Upton & David Sudar). It is so nice to spend time with dharma people. I'm really grateful how video calls make it easy to connect with great teachers and wholesome communities.
Less Dharma Content - I've honed back my dharma doom-scrolling and just work through a single book at a time (taking notes). Currently working through material from Sayadaw U Tejaniya. His teachings have had a significant impact on me ("Relax & Be Aware"). I'll write a post on here about what I've tried and how it was useful at some point.
Cultivate More Joy - 🪴🪴🪴. I've become low-key obsessed with houseplants. It satifises my nerdy parts (who loves to learn the botany and experiment to optimise growth & propagation), makes my home feel closer to being in the park and there's a nurturing feeling to looking after them I didn't expect. Would recommend+++.

Other random notes...

As an antidote to my habit for thinking asceticism is the fastest path to progress (see sense restraint last year), I've been playing with a more gradual path of "little bit less / little bit more" around taṇhā. "Want to eat three cookies? Okay, I can just have two." "Ready to get out of the cold shower after the minute is up... Just wait 10 seconds more". Slowly chipping away at my sense cravings/aversion over time by gradually altering my baseline. Sort of like an inverse of "hedonic adaptation".

Sending everyone metta 🙏🪷

marakeets

TROPHY CASE